2020

 By the title of this post, I feel like it's very obvious of what this post is about. It might be approximately 75-80% about my views and thoughts about the impact of that one thing which leads to other things which wreak havoc on the entire world. The rest? Let's see about that.

To say that I had a feeling that 2020 is gonna be tough is an understatement. Regardless of whatever is going on in my life, new years are always filled with joy and excitement of what to come. The joy of trying, doing, and accomplishing new things; the excitement of going through anything in order to get to them. It can be the new chapter, or it can be a new book of your own personal series. But alas, I somehow got a very sour mood at the end of 2019 for around a month or two. Could be heavily influenced by some personal issues, but I usually never felt so sour at the end of a year with the exception of that year. Even if I'm not entirely happy with my life because of those kinds of issues, at least I always keep my mood bright and sunny on new years since I always feel giddy about having new experiences; new life. And after the pandemic strikes, I can't help but think that my own soul might had warned me about this year's huge mayhem by projecting that sour mood in me.

One thing leads to others, which are worse things that come in this year's case. I know I might sound so inconsiderate to say that the death toll isn't shocking, but I can't expect anything else since I've lived with it for around more than 8 months. It's devastating, yet I can't think of how selfish humankind is. Overpopulation (which is obvious), people blaming each other instead of sticking together to end this together, and I read some news where some companies who are creating a vaccine are reportedly using shark's squalene in it. Perhaps it is true that by nature we are the most selfish creature. Or I'd rather say by fate. Sure, our selfishness may be one of the key of the survival for human's existence; but I also can't help but wonder how far we should take it.

By the exact same fate, a lot of people lose their jobs or even having zero chance before even trying. Some try their best to survive even if they have to do something that doesn't have to do with what they want in life or their passion, while others just couldn't take anymore. Some are lucky enough to still be able to sustain themselves with proper care or even more, and some might just already living as a zombie and wish that their existence could end without them doing the dirty job. Heck, some even do the complete opposite of what I've mentioned in the previous paragraph and desperately tried, or they might still trying, to hold on for dear life in humanity regardless of whether or not will it eventually slip away from their grasps.

For the thinkers, like me, plenty of questions appeared during this unfortunate timing. Particularly the how and why. Though the how might be very interesting to know the answer of, the why hold branches of thoughts. Why is this happening, why do we deserve this, why are we living like this. I even think that those questions have the same meaning despite of being phrased differently. The truth is, we may never know the why answer as a fact. The how may be able to give a fact as an answer, like how the virus presented itself in the first place and how it eventually spread throughout the world. But why, that one word which was constantly used during my thesis period might have different answers depending on how each people look at it. For parasite type of selfish people, they might say something about blaming and failures. Some may say that this is the punishment for humans for we have been selfish for quite a period of time. Or even more blunt people might say that we deserve this. Some may say that it happens to teach us or tell us something. Though is might be linked with the punishment notion, it's quite arguable that not every lesson should be taught with punishment. Or this might happen to test our sense of humanity.

As for me, the short version is fate. That literally everything that happen in this world are meant to be, and they happen for a reason. Or more. Of course, only God who completely knows what the reason(s) is/are. Looking back to how humans shape the earth into this planet that we are living in, there might be a possibility that we deserve this. There might be a possibility that we are punished, tested, and being taught by this difficult time. But as I come to my decision to be very ignorant of those possibilities, I also thought about letting go. Because everything is fated. Every roadblock, every twists and turns in our own lives, every kinds of changes, every single things of them are meant to be. I decided to become water; go with the flow. The flow of God's energy which seeps into my soul, guiding every steps and decisions I make. Even if I make mistakes, those are meant to happen cause they happened.

Obviously, I can't say that I'm happy; but at least I'm trying my best to do what God wants me to do within my own pace. If God wants me to survive, I'll survive. If God wants me to believe that everything is going to be fine, the least I can do is letting go and just flow. At last, some things are easier said than done. Oh, and old habits die hard. I still have a hard time believing that it's going to be fine despite of the dreams which I've written in the previous posts, and the result of Omikuji (おみくじ) that I have. Yes, I even ask God's guidance whenever I take that Japanese fortune telling slip. It's difficult to believe since worse things keep happening and the fact that I have to see it to believe it in this particular case, but I can try to decrease all the negative impacts in my mind.

So, that's 2020 in a nutshell.  With the addition of my thoughts of this horrible year. Some may say that this is the worst year ever, only because of the generations who actually live through this. I even have read somewhere that this is technically not the worst year this planet has ever faced. And there's a possibility that this year might not be the worst year humans have faced considering there was ancient pandemic and outbreaks in the previous decades and centuries. But it's true that this year is terrible. I can't say that I'm excited for what to come next year, but I'm also curious whether or not the signs God had given me will come true.

Thank You, E-girls

At last, the time is getting real close to the official disbandment of one of my favorite Japanese girl group: E-girls. I actually debated myself whether I should write a post or not about them, but I decided to do that as a tribute and my way of thanking them for ever existed. Aside from the fact that they are one of the few Japanese girl group (not idol group) that catch my eyes.

 

E-girls Promoting E.G. TIME

 

I still remember clearly the thing that brought me to the name of this group. It was a comment on a local J-pop fan account during AKB's Teacher Teacher era where the comment that caught me was about the song's style to E-girls (considering how upbeat it is, perhaps). I can't remember the first song that I heard from them, but I was very impressed by their talents and concepts. Especially the vocalists and performer concepts, which I eventually found out that it was originated from their brother group EXILE. Since then, I feel like LDH groups (that follow the formation of Vocals and Performers) are the place where singers and dancers can share the same stage without overshadowing each other. The vocalists may dance along in their MVs, but they mostly focused on singing during their live performance. As for the performers, they were more focused during the dance break and each of them occasionally were given the chance to do their freestyles on concerts. Essentially, their roles were perfectly focused on the talent that they used in the group.

 

 

E-girls Promoting Dance Dance Dance

Not long after that, I was hooked on most of LDH's groups and now I only haven't stan their younger groups that much because I haven't paid attention to them yet. I became informed that E-girls was made as a joint project to combine the girlgroups in LDH: Dream (the only group where all members sing & dance, and not initially originated from LDH), Happiness, & Flower. I instantly love each of these groups and began my exploration further into the fandom. The early EG Pyramid system, as well as the new EG 11 formation within the circle of EG Family which included the remaining girlgroup and female soloists and artists who previously involved with E-girls and remained in the agency. Coincidentally, I only became their fan during the EG 11 era. And next year (which is only two days apart from now), EG Family is changing into LDH Girls as the group that has the name in the collective artists (???) officially disbanded. But let's get to the disbandment stuff later.

E-girls Last Live with Back Dancers (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

 

Their style is probably the big factor of why I became their fan, considering I initially was a fan of western upbeat dance and pop music during my adolescent era. Next came the talents. The vocalists really have the gifted voice with them, and they were truly trained to use their voices to perfection. And the performers are no different; they were trained to bring their best in performing the choreography. Branding themselves as an artist (instead of idol), the members also had their fair share of involving in the creative production. Furthermore, I find their early releases more fitted to the category of "cheerful pop" instead of "cute/kawaii", considering how different they use the generally called cute concept compared to the orthodox Japanese idol groups. As time goes by, their concept shifted into a more mature concept which I love, similar to Happiness who grew from cheerful upbeat pop to badass girl crush concept. They also used various concepts like retro style in Dance Dance Dance, and took a melody from a legendary Japanese group Yellow Magic Orchestra's song "Rydeen" while giving it a twist of Latin dance music for their song "Dance All Night (Rydeen)".

 

E-girls Last Live (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

During their remaining two years prior to their announcement of disbandment, I have known their style and the remaining two groups within the EG Family circle. So when it was mentioned that the members had different opinions sometimes, I recognized a slight pattern of their releases with the style of the other LDH girlgroups. Like how "Show Time" could be Happiness' concept with the similarity of the style to Happiness' "Gold", and how the MV of "Pain, pain" resembles Flower's style. And perhaps their disbandment is purely the members' decisions, which I respected regardless of the short two years that I became their fan. It's also still shocking that two members of Happiness/E-girls decided to leave the agency, subsequently leaving their groups and disbanding their trio unit at the same time when E-girls disband. Regardless, I can only respect their wishes and continue to support them regardless of having different paths with each others. As I believe that the agency also respected the artists' decisions.

 

E-girls Cake (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

In the end, I basically want to thank E-girls for ever existing. As their existence has given me enough evidence of their creativity, talent, and style. It has been a short two years and I may not have the chance to attend their concerts; but I have supported them in my own ways. Two memorable years and the members are set to step on their different paths. I would keep on supporting Happiness with their 5 members formation, as well as Reina Washio's solo project as Rei. I may check into their younger sister group Girls², but I might not check them that soon. Lastly, E-girls might disband but they have left their artistic footprint in the industry of Japanese entertainment. The footprint which most likely won't fade within my memory.

Lemony Hair

Lemon. A refreshing citrus which has benefits for both inner and outer sides of our body thanks to its acidity. The vitamin c is no doubt beneficial for our health. Lemon is also used in skincare and haircare. Specifically, this post is closely related to haircare since one of the side effect of using lemon on hair is lightening its color. Without further ado, let's get to my experience of using lemon for hair.

I initially used lemon because of my issue with dandruff. I squeezed an entire lemon and poured the juice into my shampoo. In the following year, I found out that it can lighten hair color. So I tried it. I squeezed out the lemons and poured the juice into a spray bottle. I sprayed it on my hair and leave it for several minutes. Sometimes later, I found that sunlight can accelerate the lightening process; so I got to my balcony to get some sunlight after I sprayed it onto my hair. I continued this process but my black hair stayed the same. The dandruff issue was gone and my hair got more shiny, but I was disappointed when the color stayed. I even used honey too which worked kinda quickly for my senior year classmate who used it for split ends, but it didn't work for me either. Maybe my virgin hair was just too stubborn.

Eventually, I dyed my hair around three years ago. I only dyed my hair again when the color faded. The last time I dyed my hair was last year in December, and the result was uneven although it was spread evenly to my hair. Probably cause it's not the usual hair dye that I used. My hair gradually had dark brown ombre highlights after that. I soon got bored again with my hair color; and after thinking about the current situation, I decided to try using lemon again with my hair conditions at that time.

I purchased four lemons from a nearby supermarket. With my current hair length and thickness, I only need half a lemon for my hair. I also used different method this time. I preserved the half and the other lemons in the fridge, while the half that I'm using for the day is cut into four tiny pieces. Then I squeezed the lemon straight to my hair and scalp. After that, I sat in my balcony for an hour. With a timer, of course. When an hour has passed, I rinsed it with water (and I rinse it with sulfate-free shampoo only during my scheduled shampoo-ing days). I'm pretty satisfied with the result that I decided to do it again. Four lemons, half a lemon a day, an hour in the sun, and wait for the magic to come.

Based on my experience, I've noted the pros and cons of lightening hair with lemon (and sunlight as its accelerator).

Pros	Cons
A natural source of hair lightening	Not recommended for impatient people, cause it's a  gradual progress
May not be as expensive as getting your hair colored in a saloon and/or buying the hair colorant kits (hair dye, bleach, etc.)	May not lighten hair, or it can take longer time for the result to show if the hair is too dark (like how my virgin hair was)
No burning sensation during the process, compared to using hair dye and bleach	Due to the high level of acidity, it can dry the hair and result in split ends if the juice stays too long; especially with the exposure to sunlight as the accelerator to lighten the hair.
Natural anti dandruff agent
Hair looks shiny
Promotes hair growth (my bangs noticeably grows faster)

I also listed two other things that may take into consideration when using this natural hair lightening agent:

1. Black/brown hair turns orange-ish, not blond (which I personally don't mind as long as the color changes)
2. The result might be uneven (only shown more prominently on the outer layer of hair or the strands which are exposed to the sunlight) which may be fine for those who don't mind with getting highlights but may not be fine for someone who wants even hair color

Here are my before and after photos, during my second time using the current method since I didn't think about sharing and writing this during the first time.

After

Before

I'm glad that my hair color is lightening. Some parts near my scalp is also lightened slightly, although it may not shown properly from my phone's camera. I think I'm gonna stop using lemon for awhile until either I get bored again or my split ends disappear.

So, this is my experience in changing (or lightening) my hair color using lemon with the help of sunlight. If anyone is interested in trying it, you can try what's the best method and precautions since it depends on your hair color and its conditions. Besides, there's not harm in exploring natural ways to change hair color (with several precautions, of course). Oh, and try not to cut yourself when cutting the lemons. You definitely don't want a stinging pain which is slightly more painful than using rubbing alcohol on your wound.

Tainted Destiny

The darkening sky somehow reflected sorrow

While someone out there might felt hollow

The constant state of nothingness felt tiresome

So did being strong for so long that it became lonesome

Interesting it was to see how the universe shown such pity

Alas, some people was just ignorant and silly

One might felt like everything was fated

Regardless of how cruel one's life might be fated

It was easy to think that one was merely a dust

In a whole wide world that began to rust

It was the complexity of being human

Yet it was why one might not want to stay as a human

As a human, there was the urge to have control

But it was foolish to think that everything was under control

For everything wouldn't get out of line

If everything was just fine

Being strong for too long felt tiring

Being weak for too long also felt tiring

Both ended up with losing it

And worst of all, it might went to ending it

Beautified Pain

Pain. It is associated with a feeling (either physically and/or emotionally) of getting hurt. It is a thing that may keep someone stronger, but it may also a thing that kills another. As humans tend to beautify things, or merely being optimistic in their language, it seems like this beautifying things may backfire as well.

It's a fact that humans are born with feelings, regardless of which become the dominant ones. And strangely enough, I believe that those who claims that they have no feelings do have a feeling either way. Only because feeling is technically an umbrella term, while specific ones may define more of what they truly feel. One may actually feel afraid of something so they feel like they need to protect themselves and came out as the "emotionless". Or perhaps they are angered of how the world turns like this. And pain is categorized as one of a feeling. Something that some people may like, but others may dislike and hate very much.

Pain is normal. Pain is something that everyone feels. Some may hide it. Some may openly talk about it. It cause different reactions to different people. Only because people are different. We have different lives as well. I'm not saying that it's bad to beautify things or being optimistic, but know that not everyone are as optimistic and lively.

I know how it feels like when you tell someone about the depressing state and they may seem like they're trying to make you feel better but it backfired when they beautify the pain by saying that pain is normal and it'll make you stronger. It's not the thing that need to be said, or written. It's the constant tiredness. The constant and what feels like endless. And to an extend, some can only tolerate so much during a range of time. Such dangerous, destructive combinations.

I feel like this might be another reason why some turns to solitude and even end it all without telling anyone else. Because no one understands, it's "me against the world". And saying "I understand" only to try to make it better doesn't help either. The truth will come out in any ways, so a white lie may even cut deeper and faster than any other things.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging people. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic. But do not throw away the fact that people have different reactions. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry that I can't help you with that" or "Sorry, I don't understand what you're going through but I sincerely hope that you're okay" is better than beautifying pain. It might sound kinda selfish to ask others to be extra gentle in case if a friend or someone you very much know are in that kind of a dark state, only because that state is a truly fragile state. And truthfully, being extra gentle also need patience since there's no definite range of time regarding of depression. What seems like an innocent joke in the wrong time might be a combination of prickling the wound with a dash of salt sprinkling into the unhealed wound. Or could be worse.

P.S.: I'm very aware that my recent posts are most likely dark and depressing, only because it's my blog and I might as well use it as a safe ground to write about what's going on in my mind. I often write about my experiences in several posts as well, and not caring that much about who have read them. Only because writing has some sort of a therapy to me. And I post them when I feel like it. I also understand that every single things that happen are fated, even me writing and posting this. But with the strong urge to post this from my point of view, God's energy is guiding me to share this view regardless.

Synced Sky

Another day had passed. Another sunset was present before her eyes. But unlike the previous ones before the darkness swallowed her whole, this sunset seemed rather timid. It still glowed its signature orange hue and turned pink before the sky went into a darker shade of blue. But the rays were decreasing. It didn't glow the same way; it weren't as bright and beautiful as it used to be. And most of the time, the setting sun and the glorious sunset glows were covered by several groups of clouds.

She sighed as she sipped her glass of Merlot. Strangely, it was the only thing that made her feel alive at that moment. The sensation of a slight warmness streaming from her throat into her abdomen. Her body feeling weightless. It was easy for her soul to feel the same temporary feeling given by her own body. She continued sipping her glass of Merlot while watching the elegy of sunset.

The sun had finally disappeared for that day, and it marked the transition into a darkness. The darkness that may be beautiful due to the moon and the scattered stars. The darkness that might symbolized hope that something pretty can stand out and shone in the dark. The darkness which was supposed to be the continuation of the beautiful sunset. Sadly, it seemed like the sky turned into a bolder view of the sunset of that day. While the sunset was timid with the loss of its original glow, the dark night continued to hide the moon and stars.

Thin translucent clouds were visible across the night sky. It was as if the sky lost its hope. "Or perhaps it's empathizing me," she spoke out loud with her fingers clutching the stem of the now empty glass. Maybe so. She noticed the sky more than anyone else in her neighborhood. She was the only one to see the changes in the sky. She was the only one whose mood was rather often in tune with the end of the day, somehow. But for now, she couldn't care less about the real reason of why the sky seemed in synced with her soul. She couldn't care if she somehow had a strange connection with the sky or if the universe was empathizing her. All she cared about was the moment she was waiting for. The moment when she would finally had new emotions filling her soul.

Being Humans

Humans. A part of living creatures in this earth, with a very distinctive difference from the flora and fauna. Physically, humans are mammals. Some suggested that humans have close physical resemblance to the ape family, although humans are not as hairy and the weigh & height are different as well. Furthermore, humans have one thing that animals don't have. When I was on my elementary school, my teacher who taught me about that explained that humans have the capability to think with our unique minds. And yes, we humans are gifted with our minds. We can think of anything with our minds, which are distinctively different than the minds of animals.

With our minds, us humans have been developing the society to what we are currently in. Any kinds of things to support the lives of humans are constantly created and reviewed, including every decisions that we make and the knowledge that we have. There's also this thing we call humanity. That word has a positive connotation, for it explains the good qualities humans have in order to maintain the existence of human beings. That includes kindness, compassion, sympathy and empathy, etc. Every kinds of positivity that we do for the sake of human's well-being are categorized as humanity.

Taken from Oxford Learner's Pocket Dictionary: Fourth Edition

But we must not forget that not every humans are positive. Throughout the time, history has proven that some humans in the past did not embrace humanity, even though until now I still have no knowledge on when the word humanity was created. Even until now, some people neglected that word for any reasons which made them do that. Whenever someone do any kinds of crimes; they are labelled as not humans, demons, and monsters. Perhaps at this era, those labels are attached to the true criminals as in those who do it out of pure evil, since there are some who committed crimes like stealing crops because they're poor and hungry with their limitations in life. Or some had to kill others in a situation where they were attacked, making it a murder out of self defense. Nonetheless, it's a completely different story if they really intended to do it for the sake of feeding their inner demons.

With the emergence of every cases that disregard humanity, including the current issue which has brought the whole world's attention, a single simplistic question formed in my mind: What makes us humans? Is it enough just for us being physically born as humans to have the rights to call ourselves humans? Then how about the connection between human and humanity? We all maybe humans physically, but what about our actions which defined our souls and characteristics?

Throughout my life, I've been thinking with this mind that I have. I've learned that even though humans have this enhanced mind which makes us more well-developed than the rest of living creatures, we're not perfect either. Throughout our lives, we make mistakes that disregard humanity such as wars and discrimination (be it racism, beliefs, gender and sexuality, etc.). I've learned that the mistakes happened so that we humans can learn by taking the message in order to create a better future for humankind. Yes, it's still unfortunate that some people decided to worship their inner demons and disregard humanity. It's unfortunate that someone must die to bring our attention of how such discrimination still scattered in some places around the world. But it's also unfortunate to blindly judge others for doing things in their own ways although their hearts stand with humanity. It's unfortunate as well that some people burn too much that they may not be able to control their flames. For flame can be considered as a double-edged sword. It can keep yo warm, but you might get burned if you got too close. And if you get burned too much, you may die eventually. Because I believe that things that are too much are not good, we may agree to disagree on this matter as we have different opinions.

Considering a lot of things that I've learned and known, I've come to my own conclusion on what makes someone a human. Perhaps it won't be as simple as "being humans means this and that", because we're naturally born as humans. Which means that we're al humans in physical matter. What makes the difference is the connection between humans and humanity, whereas the latter is categorized as our individual characteristics. We also cannot ignore the labels which applied to those who decided to disregard humanity in any kinds of ways. As well as the truth. Perhaps some of them do what seemed like a bad thing only because they have to. What matters is the real intention, for I have seen a lot of greys between the blacks and whites. Thus, I believe that what makes us humans (in case of our characteristics) is in where we stand as an individual. I know where I stand, and I stand with humanity. Some may decided to do the same, but we may have different ways and actions to protect and maintain humanity. And it's completely fine, because we are naturally different. Humans meant to have differences. Either way, it's basically more about our own decisions. To stand with humanity or not to do so.

Soul Cycle

Another hazy night. Another cold night. Another dark night. And the difference? It felt as if the darkness had consumed my every emotions. I felt nothing. The full moon shone its yellow glow. It's glorious with its own glow. But I couldn't see any stars at all due to the haze. What I felt instantly after recognizing the starless state was my own emptiness. Perhaps I was not a moon person, for I could not connect my soul with the beauty of the full moon. My soul felt more in tune with the dark, starless night sky. Like the stars that I couldn't see, my soul felt empty. Overshadowed by the lurking darkness. I wondered if the full moon was shining its yellow glow due to the invisible stars.

I closed my eyes and let my soul drifted away. I kept chanting my dislikes toward my emotional state at the time. Soon, I heard a distant voice telling me that I needed it. "Be empty, so that I can fill your soul with fresh emotions." I was stunned. Those words made me lose my ability to think in several minutes. Maybe I needed it in a way. But it didn't mean that I liked the process. For emptiness was the darkest state that I had ever experienced, and merely experiencing emptiness once made me feel like I could not face another. But here I was. Drowned in the darkness. I was drowned too deep, and I could not feel any lights penetrating this darkness. As if there was any tiny speckle of light somewhere.

It seemed like the full moon symbolized the distant light that I saw in the darkness. But alas, my soul felt like it was too far for my reach. Or perhaps the darkness was shielding my soul from the light. If I let myself bask in the rays, maybe it would enlighten me. Just tiny amount of rays from the moonlight might fill up my soul with fresh emotions. And when the stars would finally be visible again, perhaps my soul would glow with fresh emotions. Perhaps this darkness would not last forever. Perhaps the light might be able to penetrate this shield someday. And the cycle of my soul would go on like this within its own pace. A cycle of a soul was not all that pleasant, but every passage of this cycle must happen.

Hazy Sky

I watched the sun goes down. The blue sky turned slightly darker. Red and orange glows filled the sky. It felt like they always told me that an ending can be beautiful. It was. I always enjoyed watching such beautiful sunset. But that day was so different. The sky was already darkening even before the sun was setting. The sky turned grey, the white clouds were also turning grey. The air felt colder, and the wind blew stronger. As if the darkness was finally creeping above the light. Thus, I couldn't see the sun nor the sunset at that day. It felt gloomy. Sad. Dark.

When it was clear that the day had turned to night, the atmosphere lingered like that. The night sky was barely visible. I couldn't even see the stars. Not even the moon was visible to my eyes. The night sky was hazy. And soon, the sky got the best of me. As it grew darker and colder, so was I. I wondered how long should I endure this darkness. How many more of this I could take. I was still trying my best at life, yet none of my efforts seemed to work. I wondered if the sky was a sign from the universe or the reflection of how sorrowful my life was.

Feeling disappointed, I went back to my room. I couldn't even feel anything as the wind continued to blew here and there. I curled myself on my bed with my blanket covering my body. I began to lose my feelings. It was like I was drown in this darkness. Somehow, I couldn't enjoyed the latest sunset which I witnessed. Not long after that, the sky was turning darker. It had been a week since then. I tried my best not to indulge, but I felt my life getting thinner. My mind was no longer getting restless, for it had been too tired to think about anything else. I gradually became numb as the darkness crept over my soul. I wondered whether this darkness would take my soul away, or would I miraculously manage to endure this somehow.

Death

Death is something inevitable, and definitely something that happens to every living creatures. It is a sign that our mortality is something that always have an ending, in this kind of world at least. To put it simply, death is the end of our lives as a human.

Just like how each of our own lives differ one and another, death also varies. The way we die varies, and the way each of us views death also vary. And perhaps we have various views of death throughout our lives due to our growth and developments within each of our own lives. I too, has developed my own changing views about death.

Witnessing someone's death right before my eyes when I was a teenager sort of influenced how I view death. If you ask me about my views of death back then, I'd say that it is scary and traumatizing. Perhaps because the death which I witnessed was so sudden, in the middle of something that should be fun, and the fact that he was my father. I saw how his body changed its state from being alive, to dying, and eventually death.It was something that I can't ever forget.

But if you ask me how I view death now, my answers may vary. I'm not viewing it as something scary and traumatizing anymore, because I have grown out of it and time does have something to do with it. My definite answer is that death is something which is unavoidable, because we are going to die someday in the end. The rest of my various answers are purely influenced by my views and understandings about this world. Like how death can be peaceful because we may no longer need to feel the sufferings we currently feel when we ere in this world. Letting go of those pain and leave. Or simply because we have done our role in this world and there is literally nothing else for us worth living. Death can be tragic too, if there's an unfortunate event behind death itself. But no matter how beautiful or tragic a death is, they happen for a reason.

How beautiful or how tragic a death is can be linked with the way someone died. Some may die peacefully, either in their sleep or the end of a deadly sickness. Some may die in an accident, murdered, or even ending their own lives. During such tragedy, some may question the existence of God for God lets the tragedies happen. But as someone who views that everything happens for a reason, I do not even question the existence of the creator. Because without the tragedy, we may not be able to treasure the beauty of life. It's better for us to grasp the message and learn instead of throwing blames to another. Some contradicting forces also coexist for a reason. Murder can be considered as an evil act, unless if there is really no other way to survive. But how can we know what's good if we don't know what's evil?

As for suicide, it may be a tragedy and/or something beautiful. It is a tragedy, because the person ended their own lives due to whatever reasons that made them did it. In most cases, it leaves a painful scar to the loved ones of the deceased. But it can also be beautiful, for they may no longer need to feel all the pain they felt when they were alive. And the consequences that they have in the afterlife is none of our business, because they're the ones who took their own lives. What is our business as mortals who know about suicide, is raise our sense of humanity instead of throwing biased judgements even though they have passed away. So what if they are 'too weak to handle life'? Is it not better if the so-called strong ones help the weak ones instead of throwing such foolish judgements? Quoting Magnificent by U2, such foolishness can really leave a heart black and blue. Their suicide can also taught us something, like how some people may feel utterly depressed although they hide it very well. We should be more kind to others instead of judging them. In that case, death can bring us lessons and messages.

Another thing I think about death, which is something life also has, is fate. Some people are meant to have peaceful death, while others are meant to have such tragic deaths. I even think that some people are meant to take their own lives, despite of the what ifs. Because of fate, death can leave such messages even though not everyone embrace them. And perhaps it is also fated that only some people can embrace the messages, because both of the contradicting forces coexist for a reason. In the end, both forces are the ones that keep this world alive. Something to fight for. Or simply a meaning of life.

Every living beings shall face their own deaths. No matter how long we shall live, we are having our own ending in this world. Just like the lives we have, our deaths are different as well. The way we view death is different, and even the way we view afterlife is different. But no matter where we stand, everything is meant to be. Including the messages that both life and death have given us.

Shooting Souls

The night had finally came, and now she was at a small party with a group of friends. They were not celebrating any major things, nor were they partying that often. They simply made a promise to each other at that particular place if they managed to hold on to dear life. And that was what they were doing at that time. They also let their emotions flow. The joy of seeing each other again, the relief of grasping freedom once again, the sadness of losing others. But eventually, the joy and relief overwhelmed them so much that they didn't feel much sadness. What mattered to them was that exact moment which would craft their future.

They made a toast for their survival and their future. Clink. They drank their own glasses of champagne. Bit by bit, their lips blossomed into joyful smiles. Each one of them told their stories during such a difficult time, and they always ended up in a good way since they made it. Soon, they began turning up the music. Some of them started dancing. Some others refilled the glasses. And the rest began chatting about various topics. She was listening to the chatting, until she felt the buzz hit her head.

She excused herself from the chatting group and went out to the rooftop to grab some fresh air. There were fairy lights dangling above her, but they were off since the light pollution had decreased significantly. It was perfect since she could see The Milky Way above her. She gazed at the beautiful sky in appreciation, until she shivered lightly. She didn't think that it would get breezy, so she left her leather jacket at the hanger in there. "It's so pretty, isn't it? It's good that we can finally see the magical night sky," a man said as he draped her jacket over her shivering shoulders. Her eyes fluttered open at his voice and she felt more relaxed. She wasn't sure if it was the champagne, the atmosphere, his voice, or the combination of them. But she couldn't find a way to care about the reason. All that mattered was that moment. For a moment, her green eyes were staring at the glorious golden eyes that stared back at her with the exact same amount of intensity.

A light suddenly passed at the sky, making both of them looked away from each other. "Wow, shooting stars!" he exclaimed. He stared at them lovingly. She, on the other hand, felt mixed feelings about the current sky. It was magnificent indeed, but it felt different from the one she had witnessed at the deserted parking lot. They were moving quickly, and there were lots of them. They were also moving in different directions instead of 'falling' with the gravity. Soon, she had an urge to take a picture of the sky. She ran inside and grabbed her phone from the table. The stars were still moving to different directions and somehow never clashed with one another. Her phone managed to capture the sky with the abstract white strikes.

"Is it so beautiful that you need to take a picture to make it more memorable?" he asked. "That's not the only reason." He frowned at her answer. "I saw them when I was at a parking lot this evening after sunset. They were moving toward the same direction in a slower motion. They were like a greeting from the universe. This one, however, is different. There are more of them now than what I saw at the parking lot. And they're moving in different directions. Something tells me that they're souls, not stars." He stared at her for a moment; letting her words sunk in deeply. Feeling his stare, she looked back at him.

Gradually, she felt the lights decreased. She turned her gaze back at the sky and found one lingering star blinking once at her before taking off to the upper right. And then it disappeared. Could that star just gave her a sign that her assumption was correct? Maybe. But what did it matter to her? Some things would always meant to stay as a mystery.

After The Milky Way reappeared and the night grew colder, they went back inside. They saw the chatting group dancing, making the entire eight people in front of them doing the exact same thing. They danced to the beat with a smile on each of their faces. It was the perfect atmosphere to relax before they faced the reality of tomorrow. For now, they would like to release the pent up stress they felt before it was over. Both of them joined the rest as they moved their bodies in sync with the music.

Suddenly, her thoughts drifted back to the last star which blinked at her. What's more strange was the immediate thought of that toward her best friend. "I don't think I can come with you though." "Why?" she asked her. "I have to go, it's something important." "Oh, okay." They parted toward their own paths afterward. Could it be her? Could it be her best friend blinking at her before leaving elsewhere? She moved to the chair and called her. When she noticed that she wasn't picking up her call, she immediately knew the answer. Sighing, she hung up and put her phone down. "Let's meet again if we have another life," she thought to herself before rejoining the others on the dance floor.

Being At Peace by Not Giving a Fuck

Encountering life means encountering people. Encountering people means encountering opinions. And encountering opinions means the decision to follow the opinions or throw them away. Not all opinions are bad, but this post specifically explains about others' opinions which we really don't have to follow. cause sometimes, some people use their opinions to change others instead of encouraging them just to be themselves.

As the author of this blog, it is a privilege of me to write my own experience about this topic. Which is one thing that I hate about my own country. Sometimes I meet those annoying people who happen to push their opinions on one's personal life. Mostly, they talk about the importance of marriage; which by far is the very last thing I'm interested in and I have my own personal reasons for that. So far, the most annoying one came from one seemingly religious married man whom I assume is quite patriarchy as well. I even had every counterarguments for all the arguments he said, like why some people die young if God said that all people must get married. I've also encountered the pushy opinions from what should be my 'closest circle', or at least that's what they claimed it to be even though they're nothing compared to my friends who are open minded and understanding. Those kind of annoying ones had their own opinions on what kind of life I should have, although it's actually none of their business since it's my life, not theirs. At one point, I was really frustrated with those people throwing their opinions to me that I really wanna say "none of your fucking business" to them.

After that very turning point, I decided to try not to give a fuck to whatever they say about my life. Of course it's easier said than done; cause throughout my life, I have a habit of being a good listener whenever I have a conversation with someone. When I listen to people, sometimes I filter them with what I believe in and decipher what they're trying to convey as well as what kind of people they are. Thanks to the same filter, I can stand on my own ground even though I tend to listen first and speak when I'm comfortable or asked. One major drawback that I feel as a listener is the ability to feel whatever they say, which lead to thinking about them. That's why I felt frustrated at first whenever I heard those kinds of opinions.

Bit by bit, I'm gradually learning to filly have no fucks given to any of them. By giving no fucks, I'm learning to handle my life on my own. If I success, it's because of me and for me since I'm the one who do all the deeds. If I fail, I'm the one who's responsible and keep doing what I can because I'm the one who I have in the end. I have the freedom to choose what kind of life I have with the consequences that lie beneath it. And most importantly, I'm letting myself just to be me. I'm freeing myself from worrying about what others think of me, and eventually I feel my soul being more at peace.

Opinions are just opinions. As individuals, we all have the free will to choose what kind of life we want, with the consequences as well. Those pushy people need to learn to appreciate that each individuals are naturally different, so there's no need to push those kinds of opinions and try to control their lives. It's not healthy. By giving zero fucks to those opinions, (or at least having the will to try not to give a slightest fuck), I believe that our personal lives will be more peaceful. Besides, why let others run your life if it's your life in the first place? Our own lives aren't their fucking business anyways.

P.S.: I'm aware that there's a book entitled "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck", which I haven't read by far (maybe later when the time comes). This post has nothing to do with the book in any matter, because I'm writing this with the intention of sharing my thoughts regarding of the matter.

LDH Soloists

This post is the last part in the "LDH artists whom I've listened to" series. Also, this is gonna be shorter than the previous two posts since I haven't listened to lots of LDH soloists, whether they're a part of EXILE TRIBE/E.G. Family or not. So, here are the soloists whom I've listened to:

1. Hiroomi Tosaka (登坂広臣)

He's one of the vocalists of J.S.B.'s third generation. His deep sultry voice is so lovely and unique. In his first album, he also has plenty of good songs and channeled different kinds of concepts. From loving yet slightly lusty song in FULL MOON, cool and slightly arrogant personality in LUXE (not that I mind cause he totally nailed that concept as well), fun and casual in DIAMOND SUNSET and Not For Me, to a lovely and emotional ballad in With You and END OF LINE. Seriously, what kind of concept he can't pull off?

I love most of his songs in his first album FULL MOON. But when I think about it, I think Omi is a selenophile since his discography mostly has something to do with moon. Not just the titles, but also the cover art. FULL MOON, SUPERMOON. He really must have a thing with moon. I haven't got the chance to hear his other discographies, but I'm gonna do that since he's so talented.

2. CrazyBoy (ELLY)

ELLY is a Performer in J.S.B.'s third generation, and he debuted as a rapper under the name CrazyBoy. His songs are upbeat and Hip-Hop. Just like Omi, I've only listened to his first album (which I really like) and I'm gonna continue listening to his discography later on since he's talented.

3. Dream Ami

She's the only Dream/E-girls former member who debuted as a soloist before the disbandment of Dream and her departure from E-girls. She naturally has high pitched voice and was the member who can reach highest notes. Despite of having a high pitched voice which is slightly similar to most of Japanese idol group members, she is a decent singer due to the techniques she uses when she sings.

I think I can't write about her that much since I've only listened to Amaharu and Good Goodbye. Her concept as a soloist are mostly soft and feminine, with a dash of fantasy. Perhaps I'm gonna listen to the rest of her discography later on.

Those are the only soloists in LDH which I've listened to. Perhaps I'm gonna listen to Shizuka's debut single later on, as well as GENE's vocalists solo songs. I'm gonna consider listening to Sho Aoyagi too, since I like his voice when I listened to his solo song Maria (available in HiGH&LOW Original Soundtrack). He is one of the finalists for EXILE Vocal Battle Audition where TAKAHIRO won as the new vocalist for EXILE. Maybe I'll listen to Ryuji's solo songs and the rest of EXILE's vocalists as well; except NESMITH cause he's the only EXILE vocalist who doesn't debut as a soloist, whatever the reason is.

This agency also has other soloist who are not related with the whole EXILE TRIBE/E.G. Family thing like Crystal Kay, MIYAVI, JAY'ED, Leola, CRAZY SHIKAKKEI, and MABU. But since I'm currently happy with the current artists that interest me, perhaps it'll take quite a long time until I finally got the interest to listen to them. The main reason has been stated in the first post of this "LDH Trilogy Posts". Or maybe I'll lose my interest in trying to listen to them, but that's the future to decide since I'm comfortable with my pace in exploring the artists in this agency.

LDH Female Groups

As a continuation to the previous post, this post is dedicated to the female groups in LDH which I've heard. But I guess this post might be kinda sad considering most of them have disbanded. Without further ado, here are the groups:

1. Happiness

This is the first female group which is debuted under LDH. Their concept was originally upbeat and cheerful, but not as cheerful and cute as the orthodox Japanese idol groups. Probably a bit similar to the current concept of Girls². As time goes by and the members went from cheerful teenagers to fierce women, their concept turned into a more mature upbeat songs with badass/swag/sexy themes here and there.

I have no problems liking their songs when they still had MAYU as one of their vocalists. Although MAYU's voice is naturally (slightly) high pitched, I like the way she sings. On the contrary, Ruri has deep sultry voice and she also sings really well. Karen, their only original vocalist, also raps in few of their songs. As for the Performers, SAYAKA is their dancing queen while their leader MIYUU also created some of their choreography. I think I forget to mention that another thing I like from LDH groups is that sometimes the members created their own choreography, aside from their signature freestyle. This group is also confirmed to join 88rising for the sake of their international debut. I'm counting on it, cause these talented ladies deserve it.

2. SudannaYuzuYully

This group is a Hip-Hop group consisting of two Performers from Happiness/E-girls and a Vocalist from E-girls, where the Performers rap in their songs. The name also derived from the members' names (Anna Suda, Yuzuna Takebe, and YURINO).

I don't really like their initial releases until I heard Look At Me Now. That song is seriously dope. They also have several good songs in their first album SYY. I like the way Anna Suda raps. Yuzu definitely has nice vocals and techniques. Sadly, I'm not sure about their future since the news of E-girls disbanding also stated that Yuzu will join a group project with Afrojack in LDH Europe while the other members are most likely gonna focus as Happiness members.

3. E-girls (disbanding at the end of 2020)

I'm still sad about the fact that they're disbanding at the end of this year. Totally, really sad. But they already decided their own future, and it's no use to blame the agency for their disbandment.

I think I've already mentioned the initial purpose of this group's formation in another post, so let's skip to my opinion about them. They're no doubt very talented. I like their releases when they still had plenty of members with E.G. Pyramid system, as well as when they become a solid group with 11 members. Back then, the main vocalists were Shizuka and Ami from Dream, Reina from Flower, and Karen from Happiness. I think the only original E-girls vocalist is Yuzuna, although she was demoted to Rabbits once and managed to get back to E-girls after she successfully completed her training period in Rabbits. Ruri was also initially a vocalist for E-girls before she joined Happiness. Same goes with Anna Suda; her initial position was just an E-girls Performer before having her concurrent position with Happiness.

4. Flower (disbanded)

I'm also pretty much saddened by their disbandment, but I guess it can't be helped. Theirs songs are the perfect combination of ballad with beats. I kinda sucks at explaining genres, so please bear with me.

They had two main vocalists and another Performer who also sings sometimes. After Chiharu Muto left, Kyoka Ichiki became one of their vocalists (thus revoking her position as their Performer) along with Reina. After she left, Reina became the only vocalist until their disbandment. Some performers also left with their own reasons. With that, the remaining members who have concurrent position with E-girls automatically become E-girls members up until their disbandment. After that, the Performers will pursue their careers as actresses and/or models, while Reina already debuted as a soloist under the name Rei with her first solo song Call Me Sick.

5. Dream (disbanded)

This group was originally an idol group under avex. They also had several members leaving (not sure if they also had members joining). Eventually, they joined LDH and changed their concept to a more mature one. Sometimes later, more and more members (including the original members) left until there are only four of them left: Ami, Shizuka, Aya, and Erie. If I'm not mistaken, the four members formation were still solid although Aya and Erie weren't having the same spotlight with Ami and Shizuka as E-girls members. Their concept as four members group was also not as fierce as when the group just joined LDH. They gradually became an upbeat and colorful group until their concept turned into slowbeat ballad with Only You, Darling, and their last single Blanket Snow.

This was also the only female group in LDH where everyone sing and dance; no such thing as Vocalists and Performers. Even so, they also decided the main vocalists which suited the songs (before they became a four members group). Like in Perfect Girls, the main vocalists were those whose voices are fierce and suited with EDM music. After their disbandment, Ami continued being a soloist. She naturally has high pitched voice, but I like the technique in her vocals. Shizuka has debuted as a soloist, but I haven't heard her solo song. Aya is still in LDH, while Erie left the agency and becomes a DJ.

So, those are the groups which I've listened to. I'm still truly saddened with the disbandment of Flower and E-girls, but I can only hope for the best for their decision.I'm not sure if I'm gonna listen to Girls², but let's see about that. The next post will be the soloist in the agency that I've listened to.

LDH Male Groups

LDH is a Japanese entertainment agency which is created by the original members of EXILE. Since then, the agency has grown and debuted various groups and having other artists joining them. Furthermore, they also has extended their scope with having actors and models, as well as creating dramas and films projects like HiGH&LOW, Prince of Legend, and Tatara Samurai.

As an agency which is initially founded by a male group, this post is dedicated specifically to the male groups in LDH which I have heard so far. As in, I listened to their music and have my opinions about them based on that. Without further ado, here are the male groups in the agency that I've listened to:

1. EXILE

The legendary group which was initially named as J Soul Brothers. Their discography as J Soul Brothers is kinda hard to find, not to mention that they already got plenty of recognition as EXILE. Initially, the group was formed as a dance group; but they have vocalists joining them later on. After that, they become a "dance and vocal group" where the vocalists and dancers can share the same stage without one being overshadowed by another.

To be honest, I haven't really heard most of their discography since TAKAHIRO joined the group since I tend to listen to their first releases when I'm interested to a musician. Their latest release which I've heard is Star of Wish, which is really good. I also like their early releases when they still had SHUN with them.

I think that I don't need to explain much about the Performers (dancers) since EXILE is on another level with their skills since they often give each of the Performers their own freestyle dance in their MVs & Lives. Freestyle is like the signature of LDH's groups, which also shows what kind of style each of the members have. ATSUSHI also had a year of hiatus to pursue more knowledge about singing in America. God bless his voice. This is also the only group where the vocalists only required to sing, because the vocalists in other groups occasionally dance as well without decreasing the quality of their voice.

I have huge respect for the original members of this group since they're the ones who founded the agency. The four original Performers also stayed in the group until their retirement when they've reacged the age of 40, although HIRO retired first due to his role as the C.E.O. of the agency. MAKIDAI is currently Dj-ing and in a music griup called PKCZ. MATSU is currently being an actor, and USA is still in the agency.

2. EXILE THE SECOND

The members of this group are the second generation of J Soul Brothers, excluding AKIRA who joined EXILE first. After their merging with EXILE, the group was initially named "THE SECOND from EXILE" in which AKIRA hasn't joined them. After making cameos in their MVs as EXILE THE SECOND, AKIRA eventually joined the group.

The combination of the vocalists' voices is really interesting. NESMITH has a nice deep voice while SHOKICHI also has nice techniques. But when he sings, sometimes SHOKICHI let out a sultry sexy voice like in his solo song BACK 2U. As a part of EXILE TRIBE, the Performers are also not disappointing. All in all, I don't have any problems with liking this group. I also think that it's nice for the group since the vocalists don't sing much as EXILE members since EXILE already have two main vocalists.

3. 三代目 J Soul Brothers from EXILE TRIBE (Sandaime J Soul Brothers from EXILE TRIBE)

Literally translated as "Third Generation of J Soul Brothers from EXILE TRIBE", the two leaders of this group were members of J.S.B.'s second generation. And this is probably the last of LDH male group which has a direct relation to EXILE and J.S.B.; since EXILE was J.S.B. before they changed their name, the revival of J.S.B. created the second generation, then they merged with EXILE and J.S.B. is revived by the current third generation.

I only begun listening to their initial releases after I was finished with J.S.B.'s second generation. I've listened to their first album, in which there's not much that I liked although I really like Kimi to Nara. I also like their other upbeat songs like R.Y.U.S.E.I., J.S.B. Dream, O.R.I.O.N., and Summer Madness. Ryuji's and Omi's voices really blends well together. Sometimes later, ELLY debuted as a rapper and he occasionally raps in J.S.B.'s songs like Feel So Alive and Rainbow.

4. GENERATIONS from EXILE TRIBE

This is my favorite group in EXILE TRIBE, which is also the original junior group debuted in LDH. Their concept is directed for younger audiences, and it seems like they targeted this group to have international fandom since all of their singles have English Versions. They also have one original song in English: Control Myself. I like that song. Mandy also rapped in that song.

The vocalists in this group are finalists for J.S.B.'s third generation. Yuta was also initially a member of GENE's support group (back dancers), but eventually got the chance to join. All of the Performers also auditioned to join EXILE, but Alan and Mandy are the only ones who made it.

As my favorite group, of course I like lots of their songs, including their latest single: Hira Hira. The group is also very interesting, in courtesy of their show named "GENERATIONS High School TV" where you can see their personalities. The MC, Hayato, is so talkative. Alan got the rep as "Fusei Leader" (leader who always mess around). He also really hates tomato. Ryuto is a contradiction of the other vocalist, Ryota, since he occasionally curse and act like a gangster whereas Ryota is the prince in this group. Yuta has a weird/alien personality. Reo, the youngest and cutest member but also cool considering he's a krumper. And Mandy, well he's the hilarious member who sometimes be the group's joke. What's more interesting is that they managed to have a World Tour even before they performed at Tokyo Dome. That's really cool.

5. THE RAMPAGE from EXILE TRIBE

This group has 3 Vocalists and 13 Performers, which reminds me of the resemblance of EXILE's current formation. One of the vocalists also occasionally raps in their songs.

Just like the group's name, their concept is more like a group of rampaging people. They're also the only group in EXILE TRIBE which has more than two vocalists (technically, so does EXILE but NESMITH and SHOKICHI don't always sing as EXILE, so...). Kazuma is the one who occasionally raps, and I have no problem with the way he sings and raps. Hokuto has sweet voice and can reach high notes easily. RIKU's voice is actually nice, but I don't like how he oversing the notes during Lives. It's like... I don't know. Kinda hard to explain. But he tends to overdo his vocals when he sings, while I like the balance and control of the other vocalists. Not too much, not too less either. Just perfect.

6. FANTASTICS from EXILE TRIBE

The junior group where one of the Performers passed away of stomach cancer. Sadly enough, he passed away before the group officially debuted.

I honestly don't have much to review since I've only heard their first single, which I honestly don't like. I'm gonna listen to their first album later in case if there are any more of their songs that I'll like. But I've heard Dear Destiny briefly, and I think I might like that song eventually.

7. BALLISTIK BOYZ from EXILE TRIBE

This group is different from the rest of EXILE TRIBE groups because all of the members sing, rap, and dance. The group is a collaboration between EXILE TRIBE and DOBERMAN INFINITY.

Like the previous group, I also haven't listen much to their discography. I only like several songs in their mini-album, and I'm gonna listen to the rest of their discography.

8. DOBERMAN INFINITY

Probably my favorite male group outside EXILE TRIBE. It's a bit sad that they're still sort of underrated. They're a Hip-Hop group which initially consisted of all rappers. When the group joined LDH, they added a vocalist who is a finalist for EXILE's Vocal Battle Audition which was intended to find a vocalist alongside ATSUSHI.

Because they're also my favorite group, I like lots of their songs. The rappers are definitely good. KAZUKI has an amazing vocal, period. God bless that voice. He also raps in some of their songs like Jump Around Infinity and 5ive. All in all, this is my favorite underrated group in LDH.

9. COLOR (DEEP)

The group is currently known as DEEP. But I haven't listened to their discography as DEEP, so....

This group was formed by ATSUSHI as a vocal group. Sometimes later; ATSUSHI left the group, they change the name to DEEP, and currently has only 3 members left. They also had an audition to look for other vocalists. The three winners and the remaining members formed a group called DEEP SQUAD, but I haven't found any discography from them.

I've only listened to their first two albums as COLOR. The quality of their vocals is so not disappointing. Their style at that time was more or less R&B. I have no problem liking their songs and I'm gonna listen to the rest of their discography.

Those are the male groups in LDH which I've listened to. I'm not sure if I'm gonna listen to HONEST BOYZ, ACE OF SPADES, and RED DIAMOND DOGS since it's difficult for me to follow lots of groups at a time. Not to mention that GENE is my favorite group. But anyways, the next post will be the female groups in the agency which I've listened to.

Learning Other Languages

Learning other languages can be difficult, or not, depending on each of our own abilities. But is that really all it depends on? In this post, I'm writing about my personal experience during my almost 23 years of learning two additional languages. Although, one is longer than the other.

My native language is Indonesian. Even though I'm half Chinese and half Javanese, I don't really understand those two languages like the natives or those who simply learn them. Despite of my father's attempt to let me learn Mandarin by enrolling me to Mandarin Course at school, my grade were terrible because I focused on the complications in learning that language and the fact that I wasn't really fond of learning it. At the same time, I was enrolled in an English Course and I managed to excel in it partly because Indonesian also has alphabets like English so I don't need to learn how to read different characters in a language. Exposure to medias which use English from childhood also helped me getting used to the language. I spent my childhood watching Disney Channel; and my teenage years were spent watching channels which use English like AXN and Star World.

I was so comfortable using English that I switched Indonesian novels to English novels. I also express myself more on the internet using English, although I rarely write in my native language. The same comfort also made my decision of my major for my Bachelor's Degree. The only major drawback that I experience with getting exposed to foreign language from childhood is a certain stereotype. Some people here stereotyped us who often use English as arrogant slash cocky. Usually, the reason is us using foreign language too often that we don't love our own language thus not loving our own country, which is such a foolish excuse because I'd change my nationality if I dislike my country. Due to how moronic that stereotype is, that doesn't stop me from using English whenever I want to. And it certainly doesn't stop me to learn other languages.

During High School, I was starting to get interested in Japanese music. Sometimes later, I started reading lyrics translations to understand their meanings. I also watched Japanese dramas & films with English subtitles, although I occasionally found Indonesian subs as well. I was lucky to find several PVs and Lives which have Kanji, Romaji, and English/Indonesian subtitles in it. Before I knew it, I was unconsciously learning Japanese; but I didn't want to stop because of my huge interest in their culture. Later on, I could memorize Hiragana along with several Katakana and Kanji. I can also type simple sentences in Japanese. My other form of self-learning is interacting with some Japanese native speakers from an online game. In the game, we interacted through text and I have to thank Google Translate for their scanning feature. As a language graduate myself, I know that the translation for full sentences can be incorrect or simply weird; so I read each of the words' translations and comprehend what they mean when each of them are combined. I also noted the translations of those words for future references, I'm thankful for being able to interact with the native speakers because interacting with them is really useful in developing my Japanese language, and we're still occasionally catching up with each other.

So far, my personal experience in learning two additional languages have different reasons of my ability to learn them. One being familiarity and exposure from childhood, and another being the interest of the culture which lead to the want to learn the language. With that, it can be concluded that there are other things which cause the success of learning other languages, apart from the individual abilities. Exposure from childhood and the familiarity with the native language may help. But when we learn another language as an adult, it might be more difficult than if we learn it from our childhood. In that case, one thing that can motivate us to learn the language is our own interest. If we have the interest to learn a language, we may be able to learn it regardless of the difficulty of the language itself. There are plenty of ways to Rome indeed, but we must decide whether we really wanna go there or not. Until then, which method we use to learn a language doesn't really matter because each of us have our own pace.

Sunflowers and Meteor Showers

Finally. Finally everything went back normal, at least for the earth. During that sunny day, she felt like driving. She grabbed her sunglasses and went to her convertible. She let the wind blew her hair as she drove on the long and straight road. Some times after that, she saw a bunch of sunflowers at the right side of the road. The road was empty, save for her own car, so she drove while gazing at the beautiful sunflower fields. They were tall and fully bloomed. They were all facing her as if they said hello to her. After the field ended, she turned her gaze back toward the road.

Soon she arrived at the city and found a wide and empty parking lot. The sun was setting, and she gazed at it lovingly. "Hey, I'm so glad that you come," a woman's voice said. She looked up and saw her best friend. Of course she came. It was the promise that they made. They simply promised to come to that spot after the bad thing ended. She felt the sunset was ending, and the sky went slightly darker. The sky was a deep blue hue, but something caught her eye. A twinkle that passed through the sky. "Oh, look! It's a meteor shower!" her friend said. She then began to comprehend that what she saw was a shooting star. Other identical meteors passed, and soon the sky was filled with plenty of them. Shooting stars, sometimes also called as meteor showers. "So pretty," she said, mesmerized at them. It was like the earth was happy again. And the earth would like her to know about happiness too, by showing her the sunflower field and meteor showers.

Musical Preference Superiority

I've been thinking about writing this kind of topic in my blog lately even though I've thought about it for awhile. As the title goes by, I'm going to write about my opinion about how some people feel superior regarding of their musical preference.

The feeling of superiority doesn't have to come in their musical preference, I know. Hell, it can come up with any kinds of reasons to feel superior. I just happen to love music so much that it's like a drug to me. I may go crazy if I don't listen to my beloved music at least once in a day. I meditate with music instead of the classical quiet mode. But as much as I love music, it doesn't mean I like every single genre that I like. We'll get to that later.

As we all know, there are mainstream music and not so mainstream music. The mainstream ones are easier to find and lots of people are listening to them, but it doesn't necessarily make non mainstream music bad either. I also found that the feel of superiority in regards of musical preference is found in both mainstream listeners and non mainstream listeners. One of the most popular mainstream music right now is K-Pop. Some of the listeners seems quiet superior which is shown in the internet. I even had a classmate which felt so superior about her preference in K-Pop that she threw lots of shade on 48G during their performance in M.A.M.A. before Produce48 was announced. I did mention some cause I also had friends who like K-Pop and they don't feel any kinds of superiority in their preference.

As for non mainstream listeners, I occasionally found them as well; bragging about how different their musical preferences are comparing to the mainstream, which indirectly say that mainstream is kinda low. I've been there before although I'm glad that I don't feel like that now. Somehow, my musical preference is always different with the majority of mainstream listeners and I truly hate the traditional music in my country. My teenage years were filled with MTV Asia where I discovered lots of western music. Even so, perhaps the only mainstream musicians that I liked were Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Beyonce, & Lady Gaga. I even stopped listening to Swift somewhere in my middle school and discovered new artists (at that time) like Pixie Lott & Little Boots. One mainstream musician that I hate the most at that time was J***** *****r, a.k.a. my hate at first sight. In short, I felt superior because I also listened to non mainstream musicians and used my hatred toward my "hate at first sight" and my distaste of dangdut to look down on their listeners.

Then I grew up. I still hate those I've mentioned above. And I still don't really listen to the mainstream music. I don't like K-Pop, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I hate them nor do they sucks. It's just that I currently prefer to listen to J-Pop and my nostalgic music. I also don't look down upon the mainstream listeners. As a music lover, I must say that music is one thing that is supposed to be enjoyed, not something to brag about. Just because one prefers indie and classic doesn't make them a genius and artsy. Just because one listen to mainstream music doesn't make them trendy and cool either. After all, it's just preference. We all have different ways to realize the beauty of music.

Music is a form of art that touch its listeners. Just like there are various things in this world, it has various kinds of genres as well. How one prefers a genre rather than another is completely their own preference. It has nothing to do with how one genre is better than the other. Better yet, it doesn't have anything to do with how rubbish one's musical taste is. Just like different kinds of flowers, each has their own lovers. But it doesn't neccesarily mean that one flower is uglier than another. Besides, the world is more colorful with various kinds of thing.