A Wish for Peace

I could feel the warmth of the sun and the soft breeze fluttering by. The lovely scent of floral spring air dancing into my sense of smell. Sprouts of grass touching me lightly. And the soft glow of light trying to penetrate my still closed sight. Slowly, I opened my eyes and was greeted by the light blue sky; illuminated by the warm sunlight and decorated with streaks of white clouds. I raised my torso and peeked at my surroundings. Flowers were everywhere. Roses of all colors to my right, lavender to my left. I fully stood up then, only to be greeted by much more mesmerizing view. There were rows separating each flower rows, and I was standing in one. Sunflowers, tulips, gardenias, peonies, marigold. And even flower trees like cherry blossoms and aquatic flowers like lotus were present, as well as flowers I wasn’t familiar with. I then realized that somehow, I was standing in an endless floral garden.

Everything felt so peaceful, and I had the urge to lay back down and just submerge myself in this atmosphere. But just when I was about to descend myself, I felt a presence behind me. Impulsively, I turned around and saw a woman wearing lovely floral sundress with a brilliant smile on her face. Her smile was so contagious that I couldn’t help but smiled back at her. However, I was slightly curious.

“Where am I?” I asked her. “What can you remember?” she softly asked me with her melodic voice.

As if that question was a spell, I suddenly had flashes running before my eyes. The earliest memory I had of my life, the first few of friends I met, my family, my transition from a child as years passed by, how everything went downhill, my mental state, and my decision to…

“I killed myself,” I murmured with my gaze to the grassy land.

Her smile turned into a sad smile then. But she said nothing. As if she was waiting for me to say something, ask something. Should I ask her the aftermath of my death? Which people were terribly missing my presence? How my best friends took the news? How my family reacted? How many people knew of it? And the reason why I did it? But then again, did it even matter? I was already gone. And that left me a question to where this would lead me.

“Why am I here?” I asked her. “You wanted peace,” she simply said. It didn’t make sense. I heard stories of how suicide victims were condemned to hell or some sort of eternal anguish and suffering. So why was I standing in an endlessly beautiful floral garden?

As if she could hear my thoughts, she continued to elaborate her answer. “You believed that you’d be much more at peace by leaving the world. It made you suffer, yes, but you still clung into that one belief. And now, here you are,” she said. “Then why did I have to suffer so much? Why were all my friends’ comforts weren’t enough for me to go on? Just… why?” I burst out. “Because that’s the way the world’s supposed to be. Nothing can be completely fair out there. And most importantly, both opposing forces are needed to keep the world alive. As twisted as it sounded, that’s the way it is,” she gently explained.

Mixture of emotions were bubbling within me. I wanted to cry and shout and throw something at the same time. Yet, I was still rooted to the grassy lane. I wasn’t even sure if I could produce a single tear, considering that I was no longer alive. So I let the calming atmosphere of the garden soothe my winding emotions.

“All of my sufferings…” I started shakily, and I couldn’t say no more. “Weren’t for nothing,” she completed. “People will know. And the right people will continue to fight on your behalf, as well as the behalf of others who are suffering as well,” she explained. “And what about the wrong people? They always say mean things like how weak and ungrateful we are for taking our own lives! Some even consider it sinful, so why am I here instead of burning in inferno?” I exclaimed. “They just don’t understand. It appears that it’s the simplest solution to rule suicide as a sin to prevent it, without really learning the cause of suicide and even the consequences of that simplistic rule. They don’t know that death, whatever the form is, is destined. Just like how you were destined to die within your own hands,” she said before taking a moment to pause.

“But like I’ve mentioned, both opposing forces are needed there. The world might end if there’s nothing to fight anymore, nothing to do, nothing to pursue, nothing to continue. It’ll just stop,” she explained.

Somehow, I felt relieved. Perhaps it was the simplest closure that I needed. I finally understood, even if I didn’t like how my life eventually ended. Fate could be cruel sometimes, but so were some people. And to think that I ended up having what I truly deserved once I was no longer alive…

“But… what about the others? I mean, others like me?” I asked her. “Does it matter?” she asked me. “Well… maybe not so. I’m just wondering…,” I trailed off.

She gazed out to the wide garden before she continued. “Each souls are different. Different paths, different beliefs. That’s why only yours matters for you,” she explained. “What are you saying?” I asked her. She finally turned to look at me again. “All I’m saying is, you should decide where you go from here. With your own belief. You believed that you’ll find your peace, that’s why you’re not condemned in hell. So, where do you want to be? Do you want to stay here? Change the scenery? Explore the entire universe? Or do you want to live as a human again?” she asked me.

There was no way I wanted to live in that world again, even if there might be a chance that I wouldn’t go through the great suffering again. So that left me with other options.

“I… I can change the scenery and explore the universe?” I asked her. “This is your realm of peace, my dear. You can do anything you want. Just imagine, and it’ll come,” she smiled genuinely.

Immediately, I turned my back to her and imagined the first thing that rushed within my soul. All of a sudden, I was no longer standing in an endless floral garden. I was floating in space, surrounded by countless stars and colorful nebula. I could feel the abundant energy in this place, as if they were charging my soul. But somehow, I still wanted to feel the peaceful atmosphere of that floral garden; so I imagined that scenery returning.

Soft breeze fluttered around me, and that sweet floral scent were rushing to my sense of smell once more. A part in my mind thought that there were still so many unanswered questions, questions that were most likely cultivated from my own curiosity. As strange as it sounded, I was slightly curious even if I was no longer alive. But while immersing myself in this eternal peace, and hearing the explanation from that woman, perhaps it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that some answers were meant to stay as mysteries.

And speaking of which, I turned once more and found her secured on the very same spot. “You’re fine,” she smiled at me. “What about you?” I asked her. “I’m always watching over you, and I’ll come to you whenever you need me,” she said. I finally smiled in content and thanked her. “As long as you’re no longer tied to your past life, you’ll be alright,” she said before her form slowly faded away, leaving me to the endlessly eternal bliss.

DISCLAIMER: This story is by no means created to promote or romanticized suicide. What I'd like to press here is my belief that they deserve to be at peace after all they had gone through which made them decided to do so. I also wish that people could be more considerate in order to prevent more victims from taking their own lives.

My Brief Thought on Mental Health

The pandemic has been a challenge for some of us, if not all. Some are lucky enough to manage, some has their own struggles. I too, have my own struggles throughout my life. But I never thought that one of my friends who usually is a fighter and assertive turns 180° and told me she had just visited a psychiatrist. All these struggles got me thinking more and more about mental health. And there's nothing more familiar than writing from your own experience.

Mental health is as important as physical health, and I've learned it the hard way. Sort of. When it becomes too much, it can manifest through the physical health. Like decrease in appetite, headache, and stomachache. And since I'm writing through experience, different people might have different health impacts with various mental illnesses. On the mental side, it can be quite heavy. It can be messy, it can be numbing, it can be painful. Most of what they feel are all energy draining, as if they have the ability to suck the living soul out of you. Some people, like my friend I've mentioned, are lucky enough to have the help they need for recovery. But some end up taking things the wrong way, and even costed them their own lives.

Even with my struggles, I really hate it whenever those unfortunate people lose their lives. And my catchphrase goes by: "Even if it's fate, doesn't mean I like it." It's even more unfortunate to see some people still being inconsiderate about suicide victims and/or people with mental issues. Their lack of empathy, or at least sympathy, truly amazes me. They needed someone to be there and at least listen without any kinds of judgement on how weak they were. They don't need all those comparison bullshit which is usually slipped with how ungrateful they seemed for being alive despite of having those issues. They don't even need false hope that reconnecting with God can magically makes it disappear. It has nothing to do with that. Humans are known to be the social creature. It's instinctual. And when someone feels lonely during their struggles, it feels like everything falls apart. It's them against the world. The world that somehow makes everything worse for them.

Pandemic or not, some people have been struggling. It sure happens and might cause more damage to some living souls. And pandemic or not, it's still best to just be humans and at least try to get rid of those toxic thoughts which cause more harm than good to those who are struggling with their mental health. And honestly, those suicide victims might not take their own lives had they received proper help instead of those poisonous words some people can have the audacity to say to them. Even if it's fate, aren't those toxics triggered them to do so? Can it even be considered as indirect murder if some people triggered them to take their own lives?

The Journey

She was sitting in a train by the window, surrounded by the noise of the passengers boarding the train. She could've read a book, check her phone, or even listen to the music while waiting for the train to depart. She chose not to. She chose to be an observer, silently immersing herself in her surrounding. Watching people drift through the window of the train, hearing people walking down the aisle while looking for their seats.

Despite how hard she tried to focus on her surrounding, the memory of her last day with her friend managed to resurface. She could remember clearly that only a few months ago in the bright mid-summer, she drove past the blossoming sunflower fields toward an abandoned parking lot. She could remember them talking as the day turned to night, and the meteor shower appeared. And she could remember her friend's wish.

"When I'm gone..... I want you to explore, immerse in the unknown, and find yourself through the journey," she said

It was just a wish. Not a demand, nor a promise. It was made clear as her best friend stated it as her wish. And by that, she could decide not to do it. But she did, and she was right there sitting in the train waiting for it to depart; marking the beginning of her journey.

The sound of someone taking a seat directly next to her pulled her back to reality. Without glancing at that person, she knew who the person was. It was him. And sure enough, her green eyes met the same golden eyes that greeted her that night at the rooftop. They didn't speak to each other, there was no need of that. They only shared a look before they did their own thing. And hers was diving back into the reason why he was there by her side.

"You're leaving...," he whispered. She didn't give him a direct answer. Instead, she told him of her best friend's wish. She knew she didn't have to leave everything behind, but she wanted to explore. She wanted to see how it would affect her. She wanted to feel what it felt like to go out and be free. And more than anything, she wanted to know where she would end up.

"I want to go with you," he said. The way he said it was a statement the she couldn't argue for, because he said that instead of asking her permission to go with her. She exhaled her frustration since she planned to go on her own. But then an idea popped up in her head. "You can come with me, but we have to split up once the season changes," she said. He was confused as to why she said it. But after she explained that she needed to travel by herself at some point, he finally understood.

So there they were, travelling together as the train finally departed from the station. The leaves had turned orange, and some of them were easily flown by the wind.

They travelled from places to places, always together wherever they went. Connecting with the locals, finding hidden gems, and just immersing themselves with the variety of cultures they experienced. To her, it felt amazing to be free and explore. To him, however, it felt amazing to be with her.

One day, the first snowflake had appeared; marking the changing season. Their time together was up, and they must part per her condition.

Once again, she found herself in a train; waiting for it to depart. The scenery was very familiar, and he once again sat next to her. They didn't talk, nor did they look at each other. At some point, the train finally departed from the station.

The train driver had announced the first stop. He finally looked at her, and her eyes remained at the milky white snow covering the ground. He took a rectangular box from his bag and placed it on her lap. Her eyes moved from the window to the box before finally landing it to that pair of golden eyes. Once again, they didn't speak at all. As if they were handing their fate to The Universe.

After the train came to a stop, he stood and grabbed his duffle bag. He could've walked out from the station to the unknown that awaited his exploration. But he couldn't. He wanted, needed, to look at her one more time; if not for one last time. As if she could feel the intensity that radiated from the golden eyes, she looked out to the window and found him standing there looking at her with his duffle bag slung across his shoulder. And then, they finally parted as the train resumed its journey.

Her hands were still glued at the unopened box he had given her, and her eyes were still glued to the winter scenery along the journey. After passing a lone tree, she finally moved her eyes to the box and slowly opened the lid. It was a platinum bracelet. But what moved her the most was the flowers that decorated it: forget me not. A single tear escaped her right eye as she lifted it from it's nest. She found it both silly and perhaps touching. Silly, because she could never forget him no matter where she went and for how long they parted. But it was touching for him to give something to remind her of their bond.

She was sitting in a secluded forest. Her thick coat and layers of clothing protected her from the cold winter night. The bracelet clung onto the skin of her left wrist, covered by the coat's sleeve. The Northern Lights were dancing up at the sky, and The Milky Way remained as the backdrop. The Aurora continued to move until it touched a faint star, and the star immediately retained it's glow. The Aurora continued it's movement, but her eyes remained at that one star. "It's you," she whispered as the nostalgic feeling rushed over her soul. The same feeling when she met her best friend at the parking lot, the same feeling when she saw that one last star at the rooftop. She knew the star, and now that she realized the star had been watching over her throughout the journey, even if she couldn't see it during the day.