J-Pop Fandom Part III

It's been more than three years since the last time I updated my blog. And as mentioned from the title, I'm still a J-Pop fan. However, I'm more into LDH artists lately since they've debuted some more male and female groups (though I'm planning to write separate posts for the groups and soloists of LDH I'm listening to). Additionally, I've stopped following Perfume since their last release I enjoy is "Cosmic Explorer" (although I still listen to their past releases like "GAME"). I also don't enjoy CAPSULE's latest album "Metro Pulse". Maybe I'm just not into Yasutaka Nakata's latest music in general (both Perfume and CAPSULE are produced by him). And so, this post is dedicated to Japanese artists I'm listening to apart from LDH artists.

Yellow Magic Orchestra
(from left to right: Ryuichi Sakamoto, Yukihiro Takahashi, Haruomi Hosono)

The first one is Yellow Magic Orchestra. They are a legendary trio branded as Japan's pioneer of electronic music. Sadly, only one of them is still alive as of 2025. Yukihiro Takahashi passed away more than two years ago at the age of 70. I'm still following his discography from time to time, as I enjoy his first album "Saravah!". Around two months after Takahashi-san passed away, Ryuichi Sakamoto passed away at the age of 71. I have only listened to one of his albums and plan to follow more of his releases. The only living member is Haruomi Hosono, who was also the leader of YMO. I have yet to follow his discography but plan to do so when I have the time.

The second artist I'm currently listening to is the former ace of Keyakizaka46, Yurina Hirate. I've been a fan of hers ever since I was a fan of Keyaki as she's such a charismatic ace. I like her voice and dancing skills, as well as her approach in art. Ever since leaving Keyaki, her activeness as a soloist isn't as constant as Keyaki's releases. Nonetheless, I don't mind at all since I feel like she can take her time to produce new music. She used to be under Seed & Flower (Keyaki's agency), NAECO (an agency under HYBE Japan), and now she's under Cloud Nine.

The next artist is Towa Tei. He is a former member of Deee-Lite, a trio of dance music with "Groove Is In the Heart" as their well known song. I like his debut album "Future Listening!" as well as his collaboration with Kylie Minogue and Haruomi Hosono titled "GBI (German Bold Italic). He has also released music under the alter ego "Sweet Robots Against the Machine" but I have yet to listen to that discography. Additionally, he is also a member of MetaFive, a band whose latest activity is unknown following the death of its founder, Yukihiro Takahashi.

Da-iCE
(from left to right: Toru Iwaoka, Sota Hanamura, Hayate Wada, Yudai Ohno, Taiki Kudo)

And finally, the last one is Da-iCE (pronounced "dice"). I honestly can't remember how I found them. Perhaps through YouTube channels that promote J-Pop music, but I still can't remember. What I do remember is how catchy "FAKESHOW" is and how much I love the choreography. Soon, I began following their discography. Their concept is similar to LDH group's classic composition of vocalist and performer, but with refreshing image since LDH's senior group like EXILE often has this image of being macho with facial hair, tanned skin, and sunglasses. I feel like the image of Da-iCE is a combination between LDH and male idol group from Starto (previously known as Johnny & Associates). Da-iCE belongs to avex management.

So, those are the Japanese artists I've been listening to apart from LDH artists. I am currently no longer following any Japanese idol groups, as I'm no loner attracted by cute/kawaii music and concept like the orthodox Japanese idols. I have no interest in Sakurazaka46, previously known as Keyakizaka46. Nor do I have the interest to follow their sister groups Nogizaka46 & Hinatazaka46; as well as their "official rival group", the 48 group. Additionally, I am not interested in listening to Japanese male idol groups with the exception of Arashi. I am currently content in following the discography of LDH artists, Arashi (sadly to disband next year), and the artists I have mentioned above. And when I have the time, I will update LDH artists I'm listening to.

A Wish for Peace

I could feel the warmth of the sun and the soft breeze fluttering by. The lovely scent of floral spring air dancing into my sense of smell. Sprouts of grass touching me lightly. And the soft glow of light trying to penetrate my still closed sight. Slowly, I opened my eyes and was greeted by the light blue sky; illuminated by the warm sunlight and decorated with streaks of white clouds. I raised my torso and peeked at my surroundings. Flowers were everywhere. Roses of all colors to my right, lavender to my left. I fully stood up then, only to be greeted by much more mesmerizing view. There were rows separating each flower rows, and I was standing in one. Sunflowers, tulips, gardenias, peonies, marigold. And even flower trees like cherry blossoms and aquatic flowers like lotus were present, as well as flowers I wasn’t familiar with. I then realized that somehow, I was standing in an endless floral garden.

Everything felt so peaceful, and I had the urge to lay back down and just submerge myself in this atmosphere. But just when I was about to descend myself, I felt a presence behind me. Impulsively, I turned around and saw a woman wearing lovely floral sundress with a brilliant smile on her face. Her smile was so contagious that I couldn’t help but smiled back at her. However, I was slightly curious.

“Where am I?” I asked her. “What can you remember?” she softly asked me with her melodic voice.

As if that question was a spell, I suddenly had flashes running before my eyes. The earliest memory I had of my life, the first few of friends I met, my family, my transition from a child as years passed by, how everything went downhill, my mental state, and my decision to…

“I killed myself,” I murmured with my gaze to the grassy land.

Her smile turned into a sad smile then. But she said nothing. As if she was waiting for me to say something, ask something. Should I ask her the aftermath of my death? Which people were terribly missing my presence? How my best friends took the news? How my family reacted? How many people knew of it? And the reason why I did it? But then again, did it even matter? I was already gone. And that left me a question to where this would lead me.

“Why am I here?” I asked her. “You wanted peace,” she simply said. It didn’t make sense. I heard stories of how suicide victims were condemned to hell or some sort of eternal anguish and suffering. So why was I standing in an endlessly beautiful floral garden?

As if she could hear my thoughts, she continued to elaborate her answer. “You believed that you’d be much more at peace by leaving the world. It made you suffer, yes, but you still clung into that one belief. And now, here you are,” she said. “Then why did I have to suffer so much? Why were all my friends’ comforts weren’t enough for me to go on? Just… why?” I burst out. “Because that’s the way the world’s supposed to be. Nothing can be completely fair out there. And most importantly, both opposing forces are needed to keep the world alive. As twisted as it sounded, that’s the way it is,” she gently explained.

Mixture of emotions were bubbling within me. I wanted to cry and shout and throw something at the same time. Yet, I was still rooted to the grassy lane. I wasn’t even sure if I could produce a single tear, considering that I was no longer alive. So I let the calming atmosphere of the garden soothe my winding emotions.

“All of my sufferings…” I started shakily, and I couldn’t say no more. “Weren’t for nothing,” she completed. “People will know. And the right people will continue to fight on your behalf, as well as the behalf of others who are suffering as well,” she explained. “And what about the wrong people? They always say mean things like how weak and ungrateful we are for taking our own lives! Some even consider it sinful, so why am I here instead of burning in inferno?” I exclaimed. “They just don’t understand. It appears that it’s the simplest solution to rule suicide as a sin to prevent it, without really learning the cause of suicide and even the consequences of that simplistic rule. They don’t know that death, whatever the form is, is destined. Just like how you were destined to die within your own hands,” she said before taking a moment to pause.

“But like I’ve mentioned, both opposing forces are needed there. The world might end if there’s nothing to fight anymore, nothing to do, nothing to pursue, nothing to continue. It’ll just stop,” she explained.

Somehow, I felt relieved. Perhaps it was the simplest closure that I needed. I finally understood, even if I didn’t like how my life eventually ended. Fate could be cruel sometimes, but so were some people. And to think that I ended up having what I truly deserved once I was no longer alive…

“But… what about the others? I mean, others like me?” I asked her. “Does it matter?” she asked me. “Well… maybe not so. I’m just wondering…,” I trailed off.

She gazed out to the wide garden before she continued. “Each souls are different. Different paths, different beliefs. That’s why only yours matters for you,” she explained. “What are you saying?” I asked her. She finally turned to look at me again. “All I’m saying is, you should decide where you go from here. With your own belief. You believed that you’ll find your peace, that’s why you’re not condemned in hell. So, where do you want to be? Do you want to stay here? Change the scenery? Explore the entire universe? Or do you want to live as a human again?” she asked me.

There was no way I wanted to live in that world again, even if there might be a chance that I wouldn’t go through the great suffering again. So that left me with other options.

“I… I can change the scenery and explore the universe?” I asked her. “This is your realm of peace, my dear. You can do anything you want. Just imagine, and it’ll come,” she smiled genuinely.

Immediately, I turned my back to her and imagined the first thing that rushed within my soul. All of a sudden, I was no longer standing in an endless floral garden. I was floating in space, surrounded by countless stars and colorful nebula. I could feel the abundant energy in this place, as if they were charging my soul. But somehow, I still wanted to feel the peaceful atmosphere of that floral garden; so I imagined that scenery returning.

Soft breeze fluttered around me, and that sweet floral scent were rushing to my sense of smell once more. A part in my mind thought that there were still so many unanswered questions, questions that were most likely cultivated from my own curiosity. As strange as it sounded, I was slightly curious even if I was no longer alive. But while immersing myself in this eternal peace, and hearing the explanation from that woman, perhaps it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that some answers were meant to stay as mysteries.

And speaking of which, I turned once more and found her secured on the very same spot. “You’re fine,” she smiled at me. “What about you?” I asked her. “I’m always watching over you, and I’ll come to you whenever you need me,” she said. I finally smiled in content and thanked her. “As long as you’re no longer tied to your past life, you’ll be alright,” she said before her form slowly faded away, leaving me to the endlessly eternal bliss.

DISCLAIMER: This story is by no means created to promote or romanticized suicide. What I'd like to press here is my belief that they deserve to be at peace after all they had gone through which made them decided to do so. I also wish that people could be more considerate in order to prevent more victims from taking their own lives.

My Brief Thought on Mental Health

The pandemic has been a challenge for some of us, if not all. Some are lucky enough to manage, some has their own struggles. I too, have my own struggles throughout my life. But I never thought that one of my friends who usually is a fighter and assertive turns 180° and told me she had just visited a psychiatrist. All these struggles got me thinking more and more about mental health. And there's nothing more familiar than writing from your own experience.

Mental health is as important as physical health, and I've learned it the hard way. Sort of. When it becomes too much, it can manifest through the physical health. Like decrease in appetite, headache, and stomachache. And since I'm writing through experience, different people might have different health impacts with various mental illnesses. On the mental side, it can be quite heavy. It can be messy, it can be numbing, it can be painful. Most of what they feel are all energy draining, as if they have the ability to suck the living soul out of you. Some people, like my friend I've mentioned, are lucky enough to have the help they need for recovery. But some end up taking things the wrong way, and even costed them their own lives.

Even with my struggles, I really hate it whenever those unfortunate people lose their lives. And my catchphrase goes by: "Even if it's fate, doesn't mean I like it." It's even more unfortunate to see some people still being inconsiderate about suicide victims and/or people with mental issues. Their lack of empathy, or at least sympathy, truly amazes me. They needed someone to be there and at least listen without any kinds of judgement on how weak they were. They don't need all those comparison bullshit which is usually slipped with how ungrateful they seemed for being alive despite of having those issues. They don't even need false hope that reconnecting with God can magically makes it disappear. It has nothing to do with that. Humans are known to be the social creature. It's instinctual. And when someone feels lonely during their struggles, it feels like everything falls apart. It's them against the world. The world that somehow makes everything worse for them.

Pandemic or not, some people have been struggling. It sure happens and might cause more damage to some living souls. And pandemic or not, it's still best to just be humans and at least try to get rid of those toxic thoughts which cause more harm than good to those who are struggling with their mental health. And honestly, those suicide victims might not take their own lives had they received proper help instead of those poisonous words some people can have the audacity to say to them. Even if it's fate, aren't those toxics triggered them to do so? Can it even be considered as indirect murder if some people triggered them to take their own lives?

The Journey

She was sitting in a train by the window, surrounded by the noise of the passengers boarding the train. She could've read a book, check her phone, or even listen to the music while waiting for the train to depart. She chose not to. She chose to be an observer, silently immersing herself in her surrounding. Watching people drift through the window of the train, hearing people walking down the aisle while looking for their seats.

Despite how hard she tried to focus on her surrounding, the memory of her last day with her friend managed to resurface. She could remember clearly that only a few months ago in the bright mid-summer, she drove past the blossoming sunflower fields toward an abandoned parking lot. She could remember them talking as the day turned to night, and the meteor shower appeared. And she could remember her friend's wish.

"When I'm gone..... I want you to explore, immerse in the unknown, and find yourself through the journey," she said

It was just a wish. Not a demand, nor a promise. It was made clear as her best friend stated it as her wish. And by that, she could decide not to do it. But she did, and she was right there sitting in the train waiting for it to depart; marking the beginning of her journey.

The sound of someone taking a seat directly next to her pulled her back to reality. Without glancing at that person, she knew who the person was. It was him. And sure enough, her green eyes met the same golden eyes that greeted her that night at the rooftop. They didn't speak to each other, there was no need of that. They only shared a look before they did their own thing. And hers was diving back into the reason why he was there by her side.

"You're leaving...," he whispered. She didn't give him a direct answer. Instead, she told him of her best friend's wish. She knew she didn't have to leave everything behind, but she wanted to explore. She wanted to see how it would affect her. She wanted to feel what it felt like to go out and be free. And more than anything, she wanted to know where she would end up.

"I want to go with you," he said. The way he said it was a statement the she couldn't argue for, because he said that instead of asking her permission to go with her. She exhaled her frustration since she planned to go on her own. But then an idea popped up in her head. "You can come with me, but we have to split up once the season changes," she said. He was confused as to why she said it. But after she explained that she needed to travel by herself at some point, he finally understood.

So there they were, travelling together as the train finally departed from the station. The leaves had turned orange, and some of them were easily flown by the wind.

They travelled from places to places, always together wherever they went. Connecting with the locals, finding hidden gems, and just immersing themselves with the variety of cultures they experienced. To her, it felt amazing to be free and explore. To him, however, it felt amazing to be with her.

One day, the first snowflake had appeared; marking the changing season. Their time together was up, and they must part per her condition.

Once again, she found herself in a train; waiting for it to depart. The scenery was very familiar, and he once again sat next to her. They didn't talk, nor did they look at each other. At some point, the train finally departed from the station.

The train driver had announced the first stop. He finally looked at her, and her eyes remained at the milky white snow covering the ground. He took a rectangular box from his bag and placed it on her lap. Her eyes moved from the window to the box before finally landing it to that pair of golden eyes. Once again, they didn't speak at all. As if they were handing their fate to The Universe.

After the train came to a stop, he stood and grabbed his duffle bag. He could've walked out from the station to the unknown that awaited his exploration. But he couldn't. He wanted, needed, to look at her one more time; if not for one last time. As if she could feel the intensity that radiated from the golden eyes, she looked out to the window and found him standing there looking at her with his duffle bag slung across his shoulder. And then, they finally parted as the train resumed its journey.

Her hands were still glued at the unopened box he had given her, and her eyes were still glued to the winter scenery along the journey. After passing a lone tree, she finally moved her eyes to the box and slowly opened the lid. It was a platinum bracelet. But what moved her the most was the flowers that decorated it: forget me not. A single tear escaped her right eye as she lifted it from it's nest. She found it both silly and perhaps touching. Silly, because she could never forget him no matter where she went and for how long they parted. But it was touching for him to give something to remind her of their bond.

She was sitting in a secluded forest. Her thick coat and layers of clothing protected her from the cold winter night. The bracelet clung onto the skin of her left wrist, covered by the coat's sleeve. The Northern Lights were dancing up at the sky, and The Milky Way remained as the backdrop. The Aurora continued to move until it touched a faint star, and the star immediately retained it's glow. The Aurora continued it's movement, but her eyes remained at that one star. "It's you," she whispered as the nostalgic feeling rushed over her soul. The same feeling when she met her best friend at the parking lot, the same feeling when she saw that one last star at the rooftop. She knew the star, and now that she realized the star had been watching over her throughout the journey, even if she couldn't see it during the day.

Believe It, Or Not

She continued walking in the light rain, with no direction in particular. The path seemed endless and dim, with mist coming here and there. She began to realize that the path might be truly endless, but she did not feel exhausted after walking for quite awhile. She did not even notice how long she had spent walking. So she stopped walking and slowly closed her eyes.

When she finally opened her eyes, a figure appeared before her. The figure seemed distorted, like a shadow forming a silhouette which mimicked her own. Realizing that she didn't feel any drops of water, she began noticing that the rain had stopped as well.

She waited for the figure to do something, but it stayed there still. Like a statue made of shadow. Growing impatient, she wondered why the figure was there. Until a chilling voice asked her, "where do you want this road leads you to?"

The voice sounded like it came from the figure. She figured that maybe this figure had a clue on what was about to happen to her. Without opening her mouth, she asked the figure the meaning of the question.

"You don't believe in heaven and hell, correct?" "Yes." "Then, where do you want to be?"

She pondered if she would actually gain what she wanted in this realm. It seemed too good to be true. But she felt the pull to convey what she believed to this mysterious shadow figure. So she did. "Very well," the figure responded and moved aside, revealing nothing in front of her. At that moment, the road where she stood appeared like the very end of the road with nothing in front of it. She knew that the road behind her existed, but she never wanted to look back. Nor did she want to go back. But then, a curiosity came over her.

"Wait," she frantically searched for the figure, which resided right next to her. "You would like to know something, do you?" At that, she realized that this figure might know everything. "I see you have realized something about me. And you are a curious soul after all," the figure stated.

Without her having to ask what made her curious, the scenery before them shifted. It was black and red. There were flames, and there were people screaming in pain. "These people believed in heaven and hell," the figure stated before the scenery shifted once more. "So are they," the figure stated. She gazed at the scenery before her, a very contrast to the previous one with people seemingly in content and the whole place was engulfed in warm light. "And then, there are these people who believed in something else," the figure state before the scenery changed once more. She saw blinding light which gradually dimmed down, revealing what seemed like personal resting places. An endless galaxy, a meadow in spring with freshly bloomed flowers, bed made of fluffy clouds, and more.

Suddenly, it all clicked. "It's all in the head," she whispered. "Yes. Some people believed in heaven and hell. Some people believed in seeing that one blinding light which served as the gateway for eternal peace. Some people believed that they would live in a body once more. And you? Your belief is quite rare, I suppose."

The scenery before them had returned to nothing. Now that she knew, she was ready to step into that blank space before her. She was satisfied enough with what she knew. She did not need to know how it was decided who went to hell and who went to heaven for those who believed in them. Because she believed that the decision was made fairly, unlike the place where she lived.

She turned her gaze to the figure once more, which seemed to wait for her to make the step. She felt the urge to thank the figure for revealing the information to her, so she did. Even if deep down, she felt like the figure might be able to feel her gratitude. Returning her gaze back to the nothingness, she stepped forward. And just like her surrounding, she became nothing. She finally disappeared; and soon, her physical existence would disappear as well in due time. It did not matter to her if she would be remembered or not, because she had truly disappeared into nothingness.

Goodbye

In the state I was in, nothing mattered. In the state I was in, time didn't matter. In the state I was in, nothing existed. In the state I was in, no one mattered. In the state I was in, no one existed. No one but me.

As if watching a movie in the theater, a rectangular shaped light flickered before me. Soon, I was watching my entire life. But instead of forward, it was moving backward.

I saw myself rushed backward on a hospital bed. I saw myself flipping the paged of my favorite book backward. I saw myself walking backward down the street, and all the vehicles & people were also moving backward. I saw myself returning the water into the glass from my mouth. I saw my younger self running backward along with my brother.

By then, I remembered something. When you saw flashes of your life rewinding, it meant that you were about to die.

The memory kept on playing even if I came to realize what was happening. I was not afraid. I fully understood that those who lived would eventually died. So I stayed there to watch all my rewinding memory until the very last end. I was calm, knowing that my life had come to an end. And when the film had come to an end, a white light blinded my sight.

When the intensity of the light decreased, I was lying in a closed wooden space. The wood seemed young as the color was light. It felt soft and comfortable. Then I noticed my attire. I was wearing a soft white dress which reached my knees. The dress, too, was comfortable.

I closed my eyes and let my smile blossomed, soaking in the atmosphere in the closed space. "Finally," I thought to myself before I felt another intense white light binding my sight.

It was dark and raining. I couldn't feel the rain at all even though I didn't have an umbrella. I was standing before a grave, my own grave. After awhile, I whispered softly, "Goodbye, my old self." I walked away without looking back.

Golden Trees and Fallen Fruits

She woke up in an unknown yet comfortable place. She took a moment to adjust to her surroundings, then she realized that she was finally on a trip with her best friend. She rose from her bed and exited the room to freshen up.

Knowing that her best friend tend to wake up later, she decided to fix a breakfast for both of them. She finished her breakfast and took a shower. When she had exited her room, already dressed up and freshly showered, she saw her best friend standing before the table with a hint of sleepiness in her eyes. She told her best friend that she would take a walk in the nearby park for awhile, and she had cooked breakfast for them. She exited the apartment with her beige trench coat to keep her warm.

Fallen autumn leaves were scattering across the park. The trees themselves had orange and yellow tinted leaves. Some people were running, cycling, having a picnic, and simply did the same activity as her. She kept on walking deeper into the park until she saw a group of oddly mesmerizing tree. The trees were tall and had golden leaves, almost identical to the hue of the precious metal. They also had several round fruits with the same color as the leaves. Suddenly, all of the fruits fell from the tree within the exact same time. She didn’t realize there were other people nearby, until she heard rustling and murmurs. She witnessed people gathering the golden fruits. Some of them ate it and had a smile on their faces.

By Osnat Fine Art on Pinterest

  

A woman approached her and offered her the fruit. The confusion must be obvious on her face, so the woman told her everything she knew about the trees. The autumn scenery provided a perfect camouflage, while the other seasons made them stood out since the color of the leaves didn’t change. The trees only produced ripened fruits on autumn, and those who tasted it would taste happiness. At that, her expression turned grim as she knew that happiness would never last. But before the woman before her could reply, she heard her best friend called her name. She turned around, and there she stood a couple of feet from her. The women gave her another fruit and told her to enjoy it while it last, then she walked away. 

She approached her best friend who stood there next to a bench. The people around them were still gathering and eating the fruit. She gave one of the fruits from the mysterious woman to her best friend and sat down on the bench. Just like those who were eating it, her best friend’s features radiated happiness after she took a bite of the golden fruit. She was curious, so she asked her best friend about the taste. Her best friend told her that she never encountered a taste like that, but it strangely made her happy. She internally sighed, thinking whether or not she deserved happiness while storing the fruit in her sling bag. She masked her true emotion with a smile so natural that her best friend seemed convinced that she already sampled the fruit.

Magical Calendula

As a tea lover, I was drawn into other types of tea like herbal and flower tea. And recently, I've been drawn into flower tea so much that I haven't purchased any regular tea bags which are easily found at the nearby stores and mini markets. Why do I put up with ordering flower tea from online shops when I can just walk several meters from my home and buy a box of tea bags, you might ask. The initial motive was the taste and benefits, since flower tea and herbal tea aren't from tea leaves and therefore contain no caffeine. My biggest curiosity was on the taste since I have to admit what makes me avoid coffee is the taste of the caffeine whilst tea have lower caffeine level thus making me able to tolerate the taste.

I think the first flower tea that I had was chamomile, but it was long ago that I'm beginning to forget the taste. Then rosebud tea, I fell in love with it. Next was forget-me-not, which might not be as popular as other flower tea. And now, I still have some calendula tea in my kitchen. Which is the star of this particular post.

I made a mistake of putting more than one flower buds and boiling them, so I was not prepared for how strong the taste was. Despite of the attack of the bitterness, I could tell that the bitterness was different with regular tea and other kinds of tea from tea leaves. Just like how the sweetness varies between sugar, honey, and maple. At that moment, I vowed to change my method to place only a bud of calendula into a cup and pour the boiled water in. And I always sip my calendula tea that way, leaving the bud in the cup when the tea was completely drained into my system.

Calendula is one of a variety of marigold, and I was impressed by how soothing the scent of the steaming tea make me feel although the effect isn't as strong as rosemary tea. After I drank it, I concluded that flower tea and herb tea may have more calming effect than regular tea for me regardless of how often I drink it. Which is why I only drink them when I'm feeling under the weather and not regularly. I only take them when I need them.

One day, I felt my eyes weakened as an effect of staring at a screen for quite a long time. I was aware that one of the most popular thing to soothe the eyes is sliced cucumber. Though I haven't tried it, I have tried using chilled teabags in the past. They worked, obviously, but I only have dried calendula. I wondered if I can use the used buds over my eyes since the buds aren't as small as rosebud and forget-me-not. Though I haven't found anyone who use extracted calendula buds to soothe their eyes, I found interesting benefits of calendula from healthline which noted the antioxidant properties in the flower among other benefits like anti aging and its healing properties. I also found that Kiehl's also launched a series of products featuring the flower.

Convinced by what I read, I began to slightly change my method. When the cup of calendula tea is warm enough for me to drink, I scooped the buds and petals into another cup and added some of the tea to keep them hydrated. Then I chilled them in the fridge. I use two buds for each of my eyes, so I repeated the same steps for the second bud and placed it into the same glass with extra water for both buds. I dabbed the buds over my eyes and felt my eyes refreshed and soothed. I discarded the buds and left with the extracted water which turned into deep orange liquid with several petals scattering in it. I didn't know what to do with it, but then I remembered what I read from my research and the fact that the flower is used in several skincare products. Then I had an idea.

I remembered something about the effect on acne, so I tentatively dabbed it over my stress caused acne and kept the rest of the extract in an empty bottle to let it chill in the fridge. The next morning came and the size of the acne was significantly reduced from my forehead. One thing led to another, so I kept dabbing my eyes with the buds and stored the extract into the bottle until it filled approximately a quarter of the bottle. I then bought a package of compressed sheet mask and used the extract to create DIY sheet mask. I use them twice a day and leave them on my face for less than 20 minutes.

The first thing I noticed after using it was how hydrated my skin felt, similar to what I feel whenever I use brand produced sheet masks. Now, my skin feels less oily and the acne is gradually decreasing. I also noted that it might take longer time for the acne mark to disappear, but the process of reducing the size and redness is relatively quick on my skin. Satisfied by the result, I made a decision to keep on using the dried calendula at this particular order: separate and chill the buds with some of the water, sip the tea, buds for eye, and extracts for sheet mask.

With this new-found knowledge, I think I might experiment when I try other types of flower tea. I'm really excited to experiment with lavender tea as it's another well-known flower used in skincare, although I might not use it for my eyes since the buds are way smaller than rosebuds. But until then, I'm using the dried calendula in those orders above until I'm running out of it. The only warning I'll give if anyone else is using calendula is allergy, which I have found in this website. Also, there are other methods to use calendula for skincare (like this one); but the only reason I use calendula extract (or technically tea) is that I have dried calendula while some may use ground calendula or calendula tincture with additional ingredients to complement the type of calendula they're using. I'm comfortable with using just the extract and sheet mask, so anyone else can use any type of calendula and other ingredients which are comfortable for their own skin.

2020

 By the title of this post, I feel like it's very obvious of what this post is about. It might be approximately 75-80% about my views and thoughts about the impact of that one thing which leads to other things which wreak havoc on the entire world. The rest? Let's see about that.

To say that I had a feeling that 2020 is gonna be tough is an understatement. Regardless of whatever is going on in my life, new years are always filled with joy and excitement of what to come. The joy of trying, doing, and accomplishing new things; the excitement of going through anything in order to get to them. It can be the new chapter, or it can be a new book of your own personal series. But alas, I somehow got a very sour mood at the end of 2019 for around a month or two. Could be heavily influenced by some personal issues, but I usually never felt so sour at the end of a year with the exception of that year. Even if I'm not entirely happy with my life because of those kinds of issues, at least I always keep my mood bright and sunny on new years since I always feel giddy about having new experiences; new life. And after the pandemic strikes, I can't help but think that my own soul might had warned me about this year's huge mayhem by projecting that sour mood in me.

One thing leads to others, which are worse things that come in this year's case. I know I might sound so inconsiderate to say that the death toll isn't shocking, but I can't expect anything else since I've lived with it for around more than 8 months. It's devastating, yet I can't think of how selfish humankind is. Overpopulation (which is obvious), people blaming each other instead of sticking together to end this together, and I read some news where some companies who are creating a vaccine are reportedly using shark's squalene in it. Perhaps it is true that by nature we are the most selfish creature. Or I'd rather say by fate. Sure, our selfishness may be one of the key of the survival for human's existence; but I also can't help but wonder how far we should take it.

By the exact same fate, a lot of people lose their jobs or even having zero chance before even trying. Some try their best to survive even if they have to do something that doesn't have to do with what they want in life or their passion, while others just couldn't take anymore. Some are lucky enough to still be able to sustain themselves with proper care or even more, and some might just already living as a zombie and wish that their existence could end without them doing the dirty job. Heck, some even do the complete opposite of what I've mentioned in the previous paragraph and desperately tried, or they might still trying, to hold on for dear life in humanity regardless of whether or not will it eventually slip away from their grasps.

For the thinkers, like me, plenty of questions appeared during this unfortunate timing. Particularly the how and why. Though the how might be very interesting to know the answer of, the why hold branches of thoughts. Why is this happening, why do we deserve this, why are we living like this. I even think that those questions have the same meaning despite of being phrased differently. The truth is, we may never know the why answer as a fact. The how may be able to give a fact as an answer, like how the virus presented itself in the first place and how it eventually spread throughout the world. But why, that one word which was constantly used during my thesis period might have different answers depending on how each people look at it. For parasite type of selfish people, they might say something about blaming and failures. Some may say that this is the punishment for humans for we have been selfish for quite a period of time. Or even more blunt people might say that we deserve this. Some may say that it happens to teach us or tell us something. Though is might be linked with the punishment notion, it's quite arguable that not every lesson should be taught with punishment. Or this might happen to test our sense of humanity.

As for me, the short version is fate. That literally everything that happen in this world are meant to be, and they happen for a reason. Or more. Of course, only God who completely knows what the reason(s) is/are. Looking back to how humans shape the earth into this planet that we are living in, there might be a possibility that we deserve this. There might be a possibility that we are punished, tested, and being taught by this difficult time. But as I come to my decision to be very ignorant of those possibilities, I also thought about letting go. Because everything is fated. Every roadblock, every twists and turns in our own lives, every kinds of changes, every single things of them are meant to be. I decided to become water; go with the flow. The flow of God's energy which seeps into my soul, guiding every steps and decisions I make. Even if I make mistakes, those are meant to happen cause they happened.

Obviously, I can't say that I'm happy; but at least I'm trying my best to do what God wants me to do within my own pace. If God wants me to survive, I'll survive. If God wants me to believe that everything is going to be fine, the least I can do is letting go and just flow. At last, some things are easier said than done. Oh, and old habits die hard. I still have a hard time believing that it's going to be fine despite of the dreams which I've written in the previous posts, and the result of Omikuji (おみくじ) that I have. Yes, I even ask God's guidance whenever I take that Japanese fortune telling slip. It's difficult to believe since worse things keep happening and the fact that I have to see it to believe it in this particular case, but I can try to decrease all the negative impacts in my mind.

So, that's 2020 in a nutshell.  With the addition of my thoughts of this horrible year. Some may say that this is the worst year ever, only because of the generations who actually live through this. I even have read somewhere that this is technically not the worst year this planet has ever faced. And there's a possibility that this year might not be the worst year humans have faced considering there was ancient pandemic and outbreaks in the previous decades and centuries. But it's true that this year is terrible. I can't say that I'm excited for what to come next year, but I'm also curious whether or not the signs God had given me will come true.

Thank You, E-girls

At last, the time is getting real close to the official disbandment of one of my favorite Japanese girl group: E-girls. I actually debated myself whether I should write a post or not about them, but I decided to do that as a tribute and my way of thanking them for ever existed. Aside from the fact that they are one of the few Japanese girl group (not idol group) that catch my eyes.

 

E-girls Promoting E.G. TIME

 

I still remember clearly the thing that brought me to the name of this group. It was a comment on a local J-pop fan account during AKB's Teacher Teacher era where the comment that caught me was about the song's style to E-girls (considering how upbeat it is, perhaps). I can't remember the first song that I heard from them, but I was very impressed by their talents and concepts. Especially the vocalists and performer concepts, which I eventually found out that it was originated from their brother group EXILE. Since then, I feel like LDH groups (that follow the formation of Vocals and Performers) are the place where singers and dancers can share the same stage without overshadowing each other. The vocalists may dance along in their MVs, but they mostly focused on singing during their live performance. As for the performers, they were more focused during the dance break and each of them occasionally were given the chance to do their freestyles on concerts. Essentially, their roles were perfectly focused on the talent that they used in the group.

 

 

E-girls Promoting Dance Dance Dance

Not long after that, I was hooked on most of LDH's groups and now I only haven't stan their younger groups that much because I haven't paid attention to them yet. I became informed that E-girls was made as a joint project to combine the girlgroups in LDH: Dream (the only group where all members sing & dance, and not initially originated from LDH), Happiness, & Flower. I instantly love each of these groups and began my exploration further into the fandom. The early EG Pyramid system, as well as the new EG 11 formation within the circle of EG Family which included the remaining girlgroup and female soloists and artists who previously involved with E-girls and remained in the agency. Coincidentally, I only became their fan during the EG 11 era. And next year (which is only two days apart from now), EG Family is changing into LDH Girls as the group that has the name in the collective artists (???) officially disbanded. But let's get to the disbandment stuff later.

E-girls Last Live with Back Dancers (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

 

Their style is probably the big factor of why I became their fan, considering I initially was a fan of western upbeat dance and pop music during my adolescent era. Next came the talents. The vocalists really have the gifted voice with them, and they were truly trained to use their voices to perfection. And the performers are no different; they were trained to bring their best in performing the choreography. Branding themselves as an artist (instead of idol), the members also had their fair share of involving in the creative production. Furthermore, I find their early releases more fitted to the category of "cheerful pop" instead of "cute/kawaii", considering how different they use the generally called cute concept compared to the orthodox Japanese idol groups. As time goes by, their concept shifted into a more mature concept which I love, similar to Happiness who grew from cheerful upbeat pop to badass girl crush concept. They also used various concepts like retro style in Dance Dance Dance, and took a melody from a legendary Japanese group Yellow Magic Orchestra's song "Rydeen" while giving it a twist of Latin dance music for their song "Dance All Night (Rydeen)".

 

E-girls Last Live (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

During their remaining two years prior to their announcement of disbandment, I have known their style and the remaining two groups within the EG Family circle. So when it was mentioned that the members had different opinions sometimes, I recognized a slight pattern of their releases with the style of the other LDH girlgroups. Like how "Show Time" could be Happiness' concept with the similarity of the style to Happiness' "Gold", and how the MV of "Pain, pain" resembles Flower's style. And perhaps their disbandment is purely the members' decisions, which I respected regardless of the short two years that I became their fan. It's also still shocking that two members of Happiness/E-girls decided to leave the agency, subsequently leaving their groups and disbanding their trio unit at the same time when E-girls disband. Regardless, I can only respect their wishes and continue to support them regardless of having different paths with each others. As I believe that the agency also respected the artists' decisions.

 

E-girls Cake (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

In the end, I basically want to thank E-girls for ever existing. As their existence has given me enough evidence of their creativity, talent, and style. It has been a short two years and I may not have the chance to attend their concerts; but I have supported them in my own ways. Two memorable years and the members are set to step on their different paths. I would keep on supporting Happiness with their 5 members formation, as well as Reina Washio's solo project as Rei. I may check into their younger sister group Girls², but I might not check them that soon. Lastly, E-girls might disband but they have left their artistic footprint in the industry of Japanese entertainment. The footprint which most likely won't fade within my memory.

Lemony Hair

Lemon. A refreshing citrus which has benefits for both inner and outer sides of our body thanks to its acidity. The vitamin c is no doubt beneficial for our health. Lemon is also used in skincare and haircare. Specifically, this post is closely related to haircare since one of the side effect of using lemon on hair is lightening its color. Without further ado, let's get to my experience of using lemon for hair.

I initially used lemon because of my issue with dandruff. I squeezed an entire lemon and poured the juice into my shampoo. In the following year, I found out that it can lighten hair color. So I tried it. I squeezed out the lemons and poured the juice into a spray bottle. I sprayed it on my hair and leave it for several minutes. Sometimes later, I found that sunlight can accelerate the lightening process; so I got to my balcony to get some sunlight after I sprayed it onto my hair. I continued this process but my black hair stayed the same. The dandruff issue was gone and my hair got more shiny, but I was disappointed when the color stayed. I even used honey too which worked kinda quickly for my senior year classmate who used it for split ends, but it didn't work for me either. Maybe my virgin hair was just too stubborn.

Eventually, I dyed my hair around three years ago. I only dyed my hair again when the color faded. The last time I dyed my hair was last year in December, and the result was uneven although it was spread evenly to my hair. Probably cause it's not the usual hair dye that I used. My hair gradually had dark brown ombre highlights after that. I soon got bored again with my hair color; and after thinking about the current situation, I decided to try using lemon again with my hair conditions at that time.

I purchased four lemons from a nearby supermarket. With my current hair length and thickness, I only need half a lemon for my hair. I also used different method this time. I preserved the half and the other lemons in the fridge, while the half that I'm using for the day is cut into four tiny pieces. Then I squeezed the lemon straight to my hair and scalp. After that, I sat in my balcony for an hour. With a timer, of course. When an hour has passed, I rinsed it with water (and I rinse it with sulfate-free shampoo only during my scheduled shampoo-ing days). I'm pretty satisfied with the result that I decided to do it again. Four lemons, half a lemon a day, an hour in the sun, and wait for the magic to come.

Based on my experience, I've noted the pros and cons of lightening hair with lemon (and sunlight as its accelerator).

Pros	Cons
A natural source of hair lightening	Not recommended for impatient people, cause it's a  gradual progress
May not be as expensive as getting your hair colored in a saloon and/or buying the hair colorant kits (hair dye, bleach, etc.)	May not lighten hair, or it can take longer time for the result to show if the hair is too dark (like how my virgin hair was)
No burning sensation during the process, compared to using hair dye and bleach	Due to the high level of acidity, it can dry the hair and result in split ends if the juice stays too long; especially with the exposure to sunlight as the accelerator to lighten the hair.
Natural anti dandruff agent
Hair looks shiny
Promotes hair growth (my bangs noticeably grows faster)

I also listed two other things that may take into consideration when using this natural hair lightening agent:

1. Black/brown hair turns orange-ish, not blond (which I personally don't mind as long as the color changes)
2. The result might be uneven (only shown more prominently on the outer layer of hair or the strands which are exposed to the sunlight) which may be fine for those who don't mind with getting highlights but may not be fine for someone who wants even hair color

Here are my before and after photos, during my second time using the current method since I didn't think about sharing and writing this during the first time.

After

Before

I'm glad that my hair color is lightening. Some parts near my scalp is also lightened slightly, although it may not shown properly from my phone's camera. I think I'm gonna stop using lemon for awhile until either I get bored again or my split ends disappear.

So, this is my experience in changing (or lightening) my hair color using lemon with the help of sunlight. If anyone is interested in trying it, you can try what's the best method and precautions since it depends on your hair color and its conditions. Besides, there's not harm in exploring natural ways to change hair color (with several precautions, of course). Oh, and try not to cut yourself when cutting the lemons. You definitely don't want a stinging pain which is slightly more painful than using rubbing alcohol on your wound.

Tainted Destiny

The darkening sky somehow reflected sorrow

While someone out there might felt hollow

The constant state of nothingness felt tiresome

So did being strong for so long that it became lonesome

Interesting it was to see how the universe shown such pity

Alas, some people was just ignorant and silly

One might felt like everything was fated

Regardless of how cruel one's life might be fated

It was easy to think that one was merely a dust

In a whole wide world that began to rust

It was the complexity of being human

Yet it was why one might not want to stay as a human

As a human, there was the urge to have control

But it was foolish to think that everything was under control

For everything wouldn't get out of line

If everything was just fine

Being strong for too long felt tiring

Being weak for too long also felt tiring

Both ended up with losing it

And worst of all, it might went to ending it

Beautified Pain

Pain. It is associated with a feeling (either physically and/or emotionally) of getting hurt. It is a thing that may keep someone stronger, but it may also a thing that kills another. As humans tend to beautify things, or merely being optimistic in their language, it seems like this beautifying things may backfire as well.

It's a fact that humans are born with feelings, regardless of which become the dominant ones. And strangely enough, I believe that those who claims that they have no feelings do have a feeling either way. Only because feeling is technically an umbrella term, while specific ones may define more of what they truly feel. One may actually feel afraid of something so they feel like they need to protect themselves and came out as the "emotionless". Or perhaps they are angered of how the world turns like this. And pain is categorized as one of a feeling. Something that some people may like, but others may dislike and hate very much.

Pain is normal. Pain is something that everyone feels. Some may hide it. Some may openly talk about it. It cause different reactions to different people. Only because people are different. We have different lives as well. I'm not saying that it's bad to beautify things or being optimistic, but know that not everyone are as optimistic and lively.

I know how it feels like when you tell someone about the depressing state and they may seem like they're trying to make you feel better but it backfired when they beautify the pain by saying that pain is normal and it'll make you stronger. It's not the thing that need to be said, or written. It's the constant tiredness. The constant and what feels like endless. And to an extend, some can only tolerate so much during a range of time. Such dangerous, destructive combinations.

I feel like this might be another reason why some turns to solitude and even end it all without telling anyone else. Because no one understands, it's "me against the world". And saying "I understand" only to try to make it better doesn't help either. The truth will come out in any ways, so a white lie may even cut deeper and faster than any other things.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging people. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic. But do not throw away the fact that people have different reactions. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry that I can't help you with that" or "Sorry, I don't understand what you're going through but I sincerely hope that you're okay" is better than beautifying pain. It might sound kinda selfish to ask others to be extra gentle in case if a friend or someone you very much know are in that kind of a dark state, only because that state is a truly fragile state. And truthfully, being extra gentle also need patience since there's no definite range of time regarding of depression. What seems like an innocent joke in the wrong time might be a combination of prickling the wound with a dash of salt sprinkling into the unhealed wound. Or could be worse.

P.S.: I'm very aware that my recent posts are most likely dark and depressing, only because it's my blog and I might as well use it as a safe ground to write about what's going on in my mind. I often write about my experiences in several posts as well, and not caring that much about who have read them. Only because writing has some sort of a therapy to me. And I post them when I feel like it. I also understand that every single things that happen are fated, even me writing and posting this. But with the strong urge to post this from my point of view, God's energy is guiding me to share this view regardless.

Synced Sky

Another day had passed. Another sunset was present before her eyes. But unlike the previous ones before the darkness swallowed her whole, this sunset seemed rather timid. It still glowed its signature orange hue and turned pink before the sky went into a darker shade of blue. But the rays were decreasing. It didn't glow the same way; it weren't as bright and beautiful as it used to be. And most of the time, the setting sun and the glorious sunset glows were covered by several groups of clouds.

She sighed as she sipped her glass of Merlot. Strangely, it was the only thing that made her feel alive at that moment. The sensation of a slight warmness streaming from her throat into her abdomen. Her body feeling weightless. It was easy for her soul to feel the same temporary feeling given by her own body. She continued sipping her glass of Merlot while watching the elegy of sunset.

The sun had finally disappeared for that day, and it marked the transition into a darkness. The darkness that may be beautiful due to the moon and the scattered stars. The darkness that might symbolized hope that something pretty can stand out and shone in the dark. The darkness which was supposed to be the continuation of the beautiful sunset. Sadly, it seemed like the sky turned into a bolder view of the sunset of that day. While the sunset was timid with the loss of its original glow, the dark night continued to hide the moon and stars.

Thin translucent clouds were visible across the night sky. It was as if the sky lost its hope. "Or perhaps it's empathizing me," she spoke out loud with her fingers clutching the stem of the now empty glass. Maybe so. She noticed the sky more than anyone else in her neighborhood. She was the only one to see the changes in the sky. She was the only one whose mood was rather often in tune with the end of the day, somehow. But for now, she couldn't care less about the real reason of why the sky seemed in synced with her soul. She couldn't care if she somehow had a strange connection with the sky or if the universe was empathizing her. All she cared about was the moment she was waiting for. The moment when she would finally had new emotions filling her soul.