A Wish for Peace

I could feel the warmth of the sun and the soft breeze fluttering by. The lovely scent of floral spring air dancing into my sense of smell. Sprouts of grass touching me lightly. And the soft glow of light trying to penetrate my still closed sight. Slowly, I opened my eyes and was greeted by the light blue sky; illuminated by the warm sunlight and decorated with streaks of white clouds. I raised my torso and peeked at my surroundings. Flowers were everywhere. Roses of all colors to my right, lavender to my left. I fully stood up then, only to be greeted by much more mesmerizing view. There were rows separating each flower rows, and I was standing in one. Sunflowers, tulips, gardenias, peonies, marigold. And even flower trees like cherry blossoms and aquatic flowers like lotus were present, as well as flowers I wasn’t familiar with. I then realized that somehow, I was standing in an endless floral garden.

Everything felt so peaceful, and I had the urge to lay back down and just submerge myself in this atmosphere. But just when I was about to descend myself, I felt a presence behind me. Impulsively, I turned around and saw a woman wearing lovely floral sundress with a brilliant smile on her face. Her smile was so contagious that I couldn’t help but smiled back at her. However, I was slightly curious.

“Where am I?” I asked her. “What can you remember?” she softly asked me with her melodic voice.

As if that question was a spell, I suddenly had flashes running before my eyes. The earliest memory I had of my life, the first few of friends I met, my family, my transition from a child as years passed by, how everything went downhill, my mental state, and my decision to…

“I killed myself,” I murmured with my gaze to the grassy land.

Her smile turned into a sad smile then. But she said nothing. As if she was waiting for me to say something, ask something. Should I ask her the aftermath of my death? Which people were terribly missing my presence? How my best friends took the news? How my family reacted? How many people knew of it? And the reason why I did it? But then again, did it even matter? I was already gone. And that left me a question to where this would lead me.

“Why am I here?” I asked her. “You wanted peace,” she simply said. It didn’t make sense. I heard stories of how suicide victims were condemned to hell or some sort of eternal anguish and suffering. So why was I standing in an endlessly beautiful floral garden?

As if she could hear my thoughts, she continued to elaborate her answer. “You believed that you’d be much more at peace by leaving the world. It made you suffer, yes, but you still clung into that one belief. And now, here you are,” she said. “Then why did I have to suffer so much? Why were all my friends’ comforts weren’t enough for me to go on? Just… why?” I burst out. “Because that’s the way the world’s supposed to be. Nothing can be completely fair out there. And most importantly, both opposing forces are needed to keep the world alive. As twisted as it sounded, that’s the way it is,” she gently explained.

Mixture of emotions were bubbling within me. I wanted to cry and shout and throw something at the same time. Yet, I was still rooted to the grassy lane. I wasn’t even sure if I could produce a single tear, considering that I was no longer alive. So I let the calming atmosphere of the garden soothe my winding emotions.

“All of my sufferings…” I started shakily, and I couldn’t say no more. “Weren’t for nothing,” she completed. “People will know. And the right people will continue to fight on your behalf, as well as the behalf of others who are suffering as well,” she explained. “And what about the wrong people? They always say mean things like how weak and ungrateful we are for taking our own lives! Some even consider it sinful, so why am I here instead of burning in inferno?” I exclaimed. “They just don’t understand. It appears that it’s the simplest solution to rule suicide as a sin to prevent it, without really learning the cause of suicide and even the consequences of that simplistic rule. They don’t know that death, whatever the form is, is destined. Just like how you were destined to die within your own hands,” she said before taking a moment to pause.

“But like I’ve mentioned, both opposing forces are needed there. The world might end if there’s nothing to fight anymore, nothing to do, nothing to pursue, nothing to continue. It’ll just stop,” she explained.

Somehow, I felt relieved. Perhaps it was the simplest closure that I needed. I finally understood, even if I didn’t like how my life eventually ended. Fate could be cruel sometimes, but so were some people. And to think that I ended up having what I truly deserved once I was no longer alive…

“But… what about the others? I mean, others like me?” I asked her. “Does it matter?” she asked me. “Well… maybe not so. I’m just wondering…,” I trailed off.

She gazed out to the wide garden before she continued. “Each souls are different. Different paths, different beliefs. That’s why only yours matters for you,” she explained. “What are you saying?” I asked her. She finally turned to look at me again. “All I’m saying is, you should decide where you go from here. With your own belief. You believed that you’ll find your peace, that’s why you’re not condemned in hell. So, where do you want to be? Do you want to stay here? Change the scenery? Explore the entire universe? Or do you want to live as a human again?” she asked me.

There was no way I wanted to live in that world again, even if there might be a chance that I wouldn’t go through the great suffering again. So that left me with other options.

“I… I can change the scenery and explore the universe?” I asked her. “This is your realm of peace, my dear. You can do anything you want. Just imagine, and it’ll come,” she smiled genuinely.

Immediately, I turned my back to her and imagined the first thing that rushed within my soul. All of a sudden, I was no longer standing in an endless floral garden. I was floating in space, surrounded by countless stars and colorful nebula. I could feel the abundant energy in this place, as if they were charging my soul. But somehow, I still wanted to feel the peaceful atmosphere of that floral garden; so I imagined that scenery returning.

Soft breeze fluttered around me, and that sweet floral scent were rushing to my sense of smell once more. A part in my mind thought that there were still so many unanswered questions, questions that were most likely cultivated from my own curiosity. As strange as it sounded, I was slightly curious even if I was no longer alive. But while immersing myself in this eternal peace, and hearing the explanation from that woman, perhaps it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that some answers were meant to stay as mysteries.

And speaking of which, I turned once more and found her secured on the very same spot. “You’re fine,” she smiled at me. “What about you?” I asked her. “I’m always watching over you, and I’ll come to you whenever you need me,” she said. I finally smiled in content and thanked her. “As long as you’re no longer tied to your past life, you’ll be alright,” she said before her form slowly faded away, leaving me to the endlessly eternal bliss.

DISCLAIMER: This story is by no means created to promote or romanticized suicide. What I'd like to press here is my belief that they deserve to be at peace after all they had gone through which made them decided to do so. I also wish that people could be more considerate in order to prevent more victims from taking their own lives.

My Brief Thought on Mental Health

The pandemic has been a challenge for some of us, if not all. Some are lucky enough to manage, some has their own struggles. I too, have my own struggles throughout my life. But I never thought that one of my friends who usually is a fighter and assertive turns 180° and told me she had just visited a psychiatrist. All these struggles got me thinking more and more about mental health. And there's nothing more familiar than writing from your own experience.

Mental health is as important as physical health, and I've learned it the hard way. Sort of. When it becomes too much, it can manifest through the physical health. Like decrease in appetite, headache, and stomachache. And since I'm writing through experience, different people might have different health impacts with various mental illnesses. On the mental side, it can be quite heavy. It can be messy, it can be numbing, it can be painful. Most of what they feel are all energy draining, as if they have the ability to suck the living soul out of you. Some people, like my friend I've mentioned, are lucky enough to have the help they need for recovery. But some end up taking things the wrong way, and even costed them their own lives.

Even with my struggles, I really hate it whenever those unfortunate people lose their lives. And my catchphrase goes by: "Even if it's fate, doesn't mean I like it." It's even more unfortunate to see some people still being inconsiderate about suicide victims and/or people with mental issues. Their lack of empathy, or at least sympathy, truly amazes me. They needed someone to be there and at least listen without any kinds of judgement on how weak they were. They don't need all those comparison bullshit which is usually slipped with how ungrateful they seemed for being alive despite of having those issues. They don't even need false hope that reconnecting with God can magically makes it disappear. It has nothing to do with that. Humans are known to be the social creature. It's instinctual. And when someone feels lonely during their struggles, it feels like everything falls apart. It's them against the world. The world that somehow makes everything worse for them.

Pandemic or not, some people have been struggling. It sure happens and might cause more damage to some living souls. And pandemic or not, it's still best to just be humans and at least try to get rid of those toxic thoughts which cause more harm than good to those who are struggling with their mental health. And honestly, those suicide victims might not take their own lives had they received proper help instead of those poisonous words some people can have the audacity to say to them. Even if it's fate, aren't those toxics triggered them to do so? Can it even be considered as indirect murder if some people triggered them to take their own lives?

The Journey

She was sitting in a train by the window, surrounded by the noise of the passengers boarding the train. She could've read a book, check her phone, or even listen to the music while waiting for the train to depart. She chose not to. She chose to be an observer, silently immersing herself in her surrounding. Watching people drift through the window of the train, hearing people walking down the aisle while looking for their seats.

Despite how hard she tried to focus on her surrounding, the memory of her last day with her friend managed to resurface. She could remember clearly that only a few months ago in the bright mid-summer, she drove past the blossoming sunflower fields toward an abandoned parking lot. She could remember them talking as the day turned to night, and the meteor shower appeared. And she could remember her friend's wish.

"When I'm gone..... I want you to explore, immerse in the unknown, and find yourself through the journey," she said

It was just a wish. Not a demand, nor a promise. It was made clear as her best friend stated it as her wish. And by that, she could decide not to do it. But she did, and she was right there sitting in the train waiting for it to depart; marking the beginning of her journey.

The sound of someone taking a seat directly next to her pulled her back to reality. Without glancing at that person, she knew who the person was. It was him. And sure enough, her green eyes met the same golden eyes that greeted her that night at the rooftop. They didn't speak to each other, there was no need of that. They only shared a look before they did their own thing. And hers was diving back into the reason why he was there by her side.

"You're leaving...," he whispered. She didn't give him a direct answer. Instead, she told him of her best friend's wish. She knew she didn't have to leave everything behind, but she wanted to explore. She wanted to see how it would affect her. She wanted to feel what it felt like to go out and be free. And more than anything, she wanted to know where she would end up.

"I want to go with you," he said. The way he said it was a statement the she couldn't argue for, because he said that instead of asking her permission to go with her. She exhaled her frustration since she planned to go on her own. But then an idea popped up in her head. "You can come with me, but we have to split up once the season changes," she said. He was confused as to why she said it. But after she explained that she needed to travel by herself at some point, he finally understood.

So there they were, travelling together as the train finally departed from the station. The leaves had turned orange, and some of them were easily flown by the wind.

They travelled from places to places, always together wherever they went. Connecting with the locals, finding hidden gems, and just immersing themselves with the variety of cultures they experienced. To her, it felt amazing to be free and explore. To him, however, it felt amazing to be with her.

One day, the first snowflake had appeared; marking the changing season. Their time together was up, and they must part per her condition.

Once again, she found herself in a train; waiting for it to depart. The scenery was very familiar, and he once again sat next to her. They didn't talk, nor did they look at each other. At some point, the train finally departed from the station.

The train driver had announced the first stop. He finally looked at her, and her eyes remained at the milky white snow covering the ground. He took a rectangular box from his bag and placed it on her lap. Her eyes moved from the window to the box before finally landing it to that pair of golden eyes. Once again, they didn't speak at all. As if they were handing their fate to The Universe.

After the train came to a stop, he stood and grabbed his duffle bag. He could've walked out from the station to the unknown that awaited his exploration. But he couldn't. He wanted, needed, to look at her one more time; if not for one last time. As if she could feel the intensity that radiated from the golden eyes, she looked out to the window and found him standing there looking at her with his duffle bag slung across his shoulder. And then, they finally parted as the train resumed its journey.

Her hands were still glued at the unopened box he had given her, and her eyes were still glued to the winter scenery along the journey. After passing a lone tree, she finally moved her eyes to the box and slowly opened the lid. It was a platinum bracelet. But what moved her the most was the flowers that decorated it: forget me not. A single tear escaped her right eye as she lifted it from it's nest. She found it both silly and perhaps touching. Silly, because she could never forget him no matter where she went and for how long they parted. But it was touching for him to give something to remind her of their bond.

She was sitting in a secluded forest. Her thick coat and layers of clothing protected her from the cold winter night. The bracelet clung onto the skin of her left wrist, covered by the coat's sleeve. The Northern Lights were dancing up at the sky, and The Milky Way remained as the backdrop. The Aurora continued to move until it touched a faint star, and the star immediately retained it's glow. The Aurora continued it's movement, but her eyes remained at that one star. "It's you," she whispered as the nostalgic feeling rushed over her soul. The same feeling when she met her best friend at the parking lot, the same feeling when she saw that one last star at the rooftop. She knew the star, and now that she realized the star had been watching over her throughout the journey, even if she couldn't see it during the day.

Believe It, Or Not

She continued walking in the light rain, with no direction in particular. The path seemed endless and dim, with mist coming here and there. She began to realize that the path might be truly endless, but she did not feel exhausted after walking for quite awhile. She did not even notice how long she had spent walking. So she stopped walking and slowly closed her eyes.

When she finally opened her eyes, a figure appeared before her. The figure seemed distorted, like a shadow forming a silhouette which mimicked her own. Realizing that she didn't feel any drops of water, she began noticing that the rain had stopped as well.

She waited for the figure to do something, but it stayed there still. Like a statue made of shadow. Growing impatient, she wondered why the figure was there. Until a chilling voice asked her, "where do you want this road leads you to?"

The voice sounded like it came from the figure. She figured that maybe this figure had a clue on what was about to happen to her. Without opening her mouth, she asked the figure the meaning of the question.

"You don't believe in heaven and hell, correct?" "Yes." "Then, where do you want to be?"

She pondered if she would actually gain what she wanted in this realm. It seemed too good to be true. But she felt the pull to convey what she believed to this mysterious shadow figure. So she did. "Very well," the figure responded and moved aside, revealing nothing in front of her. At that moment, the road where she stood appeared like the very end of the road with nothing in front of it. She knew that the road behind her existed, but she never wanted to look back. Nor did she want to go back. But then, a curiosity came over her.

"Wait," she frantically searched for the figure, which resided right next to her. "You would like to know something, do you?" At that, she realized that this figure might know everything. "I see you have realized something about me. And you are a curious soul after all," the figure stated.

Without her having to ask what made her curious, the scenery before them shifted. It was black and red. There were flames, and there were people screaming in pain. "These people believed in heaven and hell," the figure stated before the scenery shifted once more. "So are they," the figure stated. She gazed at the scenery before her, a very contrast to the previous one with people seemingly in content and the whole place was engulfed in warm light. "And then, there are these people who believed in something else," the figure state before the scenery changed once more. She saw blinding light which gradually dimmed down, revealing what seemed like personal resting places. An endless galaxy, a meadow in spring with freshly bloomed flowers, bed made of fluffy clouds, and more.

Suddenly, it all clicked. "It's all in the head," she whispered. "Yes. Some people believed in heaven and hell. Some people believed in seeing that one blinding light which served as the gateway for eternal peace. Some people believed that they would live in a body once more. And you? Your belief is quite rare, I suppose."

The scenery before them had returned to nothing. Now that she knew, she was ready to step into that blank space before her. She was satisfied enough with what she knew. She did not need to know how it was decided who went to hell and who went to heaven for those who believed in them. Because she believed that the decision was made fairly, unlike the place where she lived.

She turned her gaze to the figure once more, which seemed to wait for her to make the step. She felt the urge to thank the figure for revealing the information to her, so she did. Even if deep down, she felt like the figure might be able to feel her gratitude. Returning her gaze back to the nothingness, she stepped forward. And just like her surrounding, she became nothing. She finally disappeared; and soon, her physical existence would disappear as well in due time. It did not matter to her if she would be remembered or not, because she had truly disappeared into nothingness.

Goodbye

In the state I was in, nothing mattered. In the state I was in, time didn't matter. In the state I was in, nothing existed. In the state I was in, no one mattered. In the state I was in, no one existed. No one but me.

As if watching a movie in the theater, a rectangular shaped light flickered before me. Soon, I was watching my entire life. But instead of forward, it was moving backward.

I saw myself rushed backward on a hospital bed. I saw myself flipping the paged of my favorite book backward. I saw myself walking backward down the street, and all the vehicles & people were also moving backward. I saw myself returning the water into the glass from my mouth. I saw my younger self running backward along with my brother.

By then, I remembered something. When you saw flashes of your life rewinding, it meant that you were about to die.

The memory kept on playing even if I came to realize what was happening. I was not afraid. I fully understood that those who lived would eventually died. So I stayed there to watch all my rewinding memory until the very last end. I was calm, knowing that my life had come to an end. And when the film had come to an end, a white light blinded my sight.

When the intensity of the light decreased, I was lying in a closed wooden space. The wood seemed young as the color was light. It felt soft and comfortable. Then I noticed my attire. I was wearing a soft white dress which reached my knees. The dress, too, was comfortable.

I closed my eyes and let my smile blossomed, soaking in the atmosphere in the closed space. "Finally," I thought to myself before I felt another intense white light binding my sight.

It was dark and raining. I couldn't feel the rain at all even though I didn't have an umbrella. I was standing before a grave, my own grave. After awhile, I whispered softly, "Goodbye, my old self." I walked away without looking back.

Golden Trees and Fallen Fruits

She woke up in an unknown yet comfortable place. She took a moment to adjust to her surroundings, then she realized that she was finally on a trip with her best friend. She rose from her bed and exited the room to freshen up.

Knowing that her best friend tend to wake up later, she decided to fix a breakfast for both of them. She finished her breakfast and took a shower. When she had exited her room, already dressed up and freshly showered, she saw her best friend standing before the table with a hint of sleepiness in her eyes. She told her best friend that she would take a walk in the nearby park for awhile, and she had cooked breakfast for them. She exited the apartment with her beige trench coat to keep her warm.

Fallen autumn leaves were scattering across the park. The trees themselves had orange and yellow tinted leaves. Some people were running, cycling, having a picnic, and simply did the same activity as her. She kept on walking deeper into the park until she saw a group of oddly mesmerizing tree. The trees were tall and had golden leaves, almost identical to the hue of the precious metal. They also had several round fruits with the same color as the leaves. Suddenly, all of the fruits fell from the tree within the exact same time. She didn’t realize there were other people nearby, until she heard rustling and murmurs. She witnessed people gathering the golden fruits. Some of them ate it and had a smile on their faces.

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A woman approached her and offered her the fruit. The confusion must be obvious on her face, so the woman told her everything she knew about the trees. The autumn scenery provided a perfect camouflage, while the other seasons made them stood out since the color of the leaves didn’t change. The trees only produced ripened fruits on autumn, and those who tasted it would taste happiness. At that, her expression turned grim as she knew that happiness would never last. But before the woman before her could reply, she heard her best friend called her name. She turned around, and there she stood a couple of feet from her. The women gave her another fruit and told her to enjoy it while it last, then she walked away. 

She approached her best friend who stood there next to a bench. The people around them were still gathering and eating the fruit. She gave one of the fruits from the mysterious woman to her best friend and sat down on the bench. Just like those who were eating it, her best friend’s features radiated happiness after she took a bite of the golden fruit. She was curious, so she asked her best friend about the taste. Her best friend told her that she never encountered a taste like that, but it strangely made her happy. She internally sighed, thinking whether or not she deserved happiness while storing the fruit in her sling bag. She masked her true emotion with a smile so natural that her best friend seemed convinced that she already sampled the fruit.

Tainted Destiny

The darkening sky somehow reflected sorrow

While someone out there might felt hollow

The constant state of nothingness felt tiresome

So did being strong for so long that it became lonesome

Interesting it was to see how the universe shown such pity

Alas, some people was just ignorant and silly

One might felt like everything was fated

Regardless of how cruel one's life might be fated

It was easy to think that one was merely a dust

In a whole wide world that began to rust

It was the complexity of being human

Yet it was why one might not want to stay as a human

As a human, there was the urge to have control

But it was foolish to think that everything was under control

For everything wouldn't get out of line

If everything was just fine

Being strong for too long felt tiring

Being weak for too long also felt tiring

Both ended up with losing it

And worst of all, it might went to ending it

Beautified Pain

Pain. It is associated with a feeling (either physically and/or emotionally) of getting hurt. It is a thing that may keep someone stronger, but it may also a thing that kills another. As humans tend to beautify things, or merely being optimistic in their language, it seems like this beautifying things may backfire as well.

It's a fact that humans are born with feelings, regardless of which become the dominant ones. And strangely enough, I believe that those who claims that they have no feelings do have a feeling either way. Only because feeling is technically an umbrella term, while specific ones may define more of what they truly feel. One may actually feel afraid of something so they feel like they need to protect themselves and came out as the "emotionless". Or perhaps they are angered of how the world turns like this. And pain is categorized as one of a feeling. Something that some people may like, but others may dislike and hate very much.

Pain is normal. Pain is something that everyone feels. Some may hide it. Some may openly talk about it. It cause different reactions to different people. Only because people are different. We have different lives as well. I'm not saying that it's bad to beautify things or being optimistic, but know that not everyone are as optimistic and lively.

I know how it feels like when you tell someone about the depressing state and they may seem like they're trying to make you feel better but it backfired when they beautify the pain by saying that pain is normal and it'll make you stronger. It's not the thing that need to be said, or written. It's the constant tiredness. The constant and what feels like endless. And to an extend, some can only tolerate so much during a range of time. Such dangerous, destructive combinations.

I feel like this might be another reason why some turns to solitude and even end it all without telling anyone else. Because no one understands, it's "me against the world". And saying "I understand" only to try to make it better doesn't help either. The truth will come out in any ways, so a white lie may even cut deeper and faster than any other things.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging people. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic. But do not throw away the fact that people have different reactions. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry that I can't help you with that" or "Sorry, I don't understand what you're going through but I sincerely hope that you're okay" is better than beautifying pain. It might sound kinda selfish to ask others to be extra gentle in case if a friend or someone you very much know are in that kind of a dark state, only because that state is a truly fragile state. And truthfully, being extra gentle also need patience since there's no definite range of time regarding of depression. What seems like an innocent joke in the wrong time might be a combination of prickling the wound with a dash of salt sprinkling into the unhealed wound. Or could be worse.

P.S.: I'm very aware that my recent posts are most likely dark and depressing, only because it's my blog and I might as well use it as a safe ground to write about what's going on in my mind. I often write about my experiences in several posts as well, and not caring that much about who have read them. Only because writing has some sort of a therapy to me. And I post them when I feel like it. I also understand that every single things that happen are fated, even me writing and posting this. But with the strong urge to post this from my point of view, God's energy is guiding me to share this view regardless.

Synced Sky

Another day had passed. Another sunset was present before her eyes. But unlike the previous ones before the darkness swallowed her whole, this sunset seemed rather timid. It still glowed its signature orange hue and turned pink before the sky went into a darker shade of blue. But the rays were decreasing. It didn't glow the same way; it weren't as bright and beautiful as it used to be. And most of the time, the setting sun and the glorious sunset glows were covered by several groups of clouds.

She sighed as she sipped her glass of Merlot. Strangely, it was the only thing that made her feel alive at that moment. The sensation of a slight warmness streaming from her throat into her abdomen. Her body feeling weightless. It was easy for her soul to feel the same temporary feeling given by her own body. She continued sipping her glass of Merlot while watching the elegy of sunset.

The sun had finally disappeared for that day, and it marked the transition into a darkness. The darkness that may be beautiful due to the moon and the scattered stars. The darkness that might symbolized hope that something pretty can stand out and shone in the dark. The darkness which was supposed to be the continuation of the beautiful sunset. Sadly, it seemed like the sky turned into a bolder view of the sunset of that day. While the sunset was timid with the loss of its original glow, the dark night continued to hide the moon and stars.

Thin translucent clouds were visible across the night sky. It was as if the sky lost its hope. "Or perhaps it's empathizing me," she spoke out loud with her fingers clutching the stem of the now empty glass. Maybe so. She noticed the sky more than anyone else in her neighborhood. She was the only one to see the changes in the sky. She was the only one whose mood was rather often in tune with the end of the day, somehow. But for now, she couldn't care less about the real reason of why the sky seemed in synced with her soul. She couldn't care if she somehow had a strange connection with the sky or if the universe was empathizing her. All she cared about was the moment she was waiting for. The moment when she would finally had new emotions filling her soul.

Soul Cycle

Another hazy night. Another cold night. Another dark night. And the difference? It felt as if the darkness had consumed my every emotions. I felt nothing. The full moon shone its yellow glow. It's glorious with its own glow. But I couldn't see any stars at all due to the haze. What I felt instantly after recognizing the starless state was my own emptiness. Perhaps I was not a moon person, for I could not connect my soul with the beauty of the full moon. My soul felt more in tune with the dark, starless night sky. Like the stars that I couldn't see, my soul felt empty. Overshadowed by the lurking darkness. I wondered if the full moon was shining its yellow glow due to the invisible stars.

I closed my eyes and let my soul drifted away. I kept chanting my dislikes toward my emotional state at the time. Soon, I heard a distant voice telling me that I needed it. "Be empty, so that I can fill your soul with fresh emotions." I was stunned. Those words made me lose my ability to think in several minutes. Maybe I needed it in a way. But it didn't mean that I liked the process. For emptiness was the darkest state that I had ever experienced, and merely experiencing emptiness once made me feel like I could not face another. But here I was. Drowned in the darkness. I was drowned too deep, and I could not feel any lights penetrating this darkness. As if there was any tiny speckle of light somewhere.

It seemed like the full moon symbolized the distant light that I saw in the darkness. But alas, my soul felt like it was too far for my reach. Or perhaps the darkness was shielding my soul from the light. If I let myself bask in the rays, maybe it would enlighten me. Just tiny amount of rays from the moonlight might fill up my soul with fresh emotions. And when the stars would finally be visible again, perhaps my soul would glow with fresh emotions. Perhaps this darkness would not last forever. Perhaps the light might be able to penetrate this shield someday. And the cycle of my soul would go on like this within its own pace. A cycle of a soul was not all that pleasant, but every passage of this cycle must happen.

Hazy Sky

I watched the sun goes down. The blue sky turned slightly darker. Red and orange glows filled the sky. It felt like they always told me that an ending can be beautiful. It was. I always enjoyed watching such beautiful sunset. But that day was so different. The sky was already darkening even before the sun was setting. The sky turned grey, the white clouds were also turning grey. The air felt colder, and the wind blew stronger. As if the darkness was finally creeping above the light. Thus, I couldn't see the sun nor the sunset at that day. It felt gloomy. Sad. Dark.

When it was clear that the day had turned to night, the atmosphere lingered like that. The night sky was barely visible. I couldn't even see the stars. Not even the moon was visible to my eyes. The night sky was hazy. And soon, the sky got the best of me. As it grew darker and colder, so was I. I wondered how long should I endure this darkness. How many more of this I could take. I was still trying my best at life, yet none of my efforts seemed to work. I wondered if the sky was a sign from the universe or the reflection of how sorrowful my life was.

Feeling disappointed, I went back to my room. I couldn't even feel anything as the wind continued to blew here and there. I curled myself on my bed with my blanket covering my body. I began to lose my feelings. It was like I was drown in this darkness. Somehow, I couldn't enjoyed the latest sunset which I witnessed. Not long after that, the sky was turning darker. It had been a week since then. I tried my best not to indulge, but I felt my life getting thinner. My mind was no longer getting restless, for it had been too tired to think about anything else. I gradually became numb as the darkness crept over my soul. I wondered whether this darkness would take my soul away, or would I miraculously manage to endure this somehow.

Shooting Souls

The night had finally came, and now she was at a small party with a group of friends. They were not celebrating any major things, nor were they partying that often. They simply made a promise to each other at that particular place if they managed to hold on to dear life. And that was what they were doing at that time. They also let their emotions flow. The joy of seeing each other again, the relief of grasping freedom once again, the sadness of losing others. But eventually, the joy and relief overwhelmed them so much that they didn't feel much sadness. What mattered to them was that exact moment which would craft their future.

They made a toast for their survival and their future. Clink. They drank their own glasses of champagne. Bit by bit, their lips blossomed into joyful smiles. Each one of them told their stories during such a difficult time, and they always ended up in a good way since they made it. Soon, they began turning up the music. Some of them started dancing. Some others refilled the glasses. And the rest began chatting about various topics. She was listening to the chatting, until she felt the buzz hit her head.

She excused herself from the chatting group and went out to the rooftop to grab some fresh air. There were fairy lights dangling above her, but they were off since the light pollution had decreased significantly. It was perfect since she could see The Milky Way above her. She gazed at the beautiful sky in appreciation, until she shivered lightly. She didn't think that it would get breezy, so she left her leather jacket at the hanger in there. "It's so pretty, isn't it? It's good that we can finally see the magical night sky," a man said as he draped her jacket over her shivering shoulders. Her eyes fluttered open at his voice and she felt more relaxed. She wasn't sure if it was the champagne, the atmosphere, his voice, or the combination of them. But she couldn't find a way to care about the reason. All that mattered was that moment. For a moment, her green eyes were staring at the glorious golden eyes that stared back at her with the exact same amount of intensity.

A light suddenly passed at the sky, making both of them looked away from each other. "Wow, shooting stars!" he exclaimed. He stared at them lovingly. She, on the other hand, felt mixed feelings about the current sky. It was magnificent indeed, but it felt different from the one she had witnessed at the deserted parking lot. They were moving quickly, and there were lots of them. They were also moving in different directions instead of 'falling' with the gravity. Soon, she had an urge to take a picture of the sky. She ran inside and grabbed her phone from the table. The stars were still moving to different directions and somehow never clashed with one another. Her phone managed to capture the sky with the abstract white strikes.

"Is it so beautiful that you need to take a picture to make it more memorable?" he asked. "That's not the only reason." He frowned at her answer. "I saw them when I was at a parking lot this evening after sunset. They were moving toward the same direction in a slower motion. They were like a greeting from the universe. This one, however, is different. There are more of them now than what I saw at the parking lot. And they're moving in different directions. Something tells me that they're souls, not stars." He stared at her for a moment; letting her words sunk in deeply. Feeling his stare, she looked back at him.

Gradually, she felt the lights decreased. She turned her gaze back at the sky and found one lingering star blinking once at her before taking off to the upper right. And then it disappeared. Could that star just gave her a sign that her assumption was correct? Maybe. But what did it matter to her? Some things would always meant to stay as a mystery.

After The Milky Way reappeared and the night grew colder, they went back inside. They saw the chatting group dancing, making the entire eight people in front of them doing the exact same thing. They danced to the beat with a smile on each of their faces. It was the perfect atmosphere to relax before they faced the reality of tomorrow. For now, they would like to release the pent up stress they felt before it was over. Both of them joined the rest as they moved their bodies in sync with the music.

Suddenly, her thoughts drifted back to the last star which blinked at her. What's more strange was the immediate thought of that toward her best friend. "I don't think I can come with you though." "Why?" she asked her. "I have to go, it's something important." "Oh, okay." They parted toward their own paths afterward. Could it be her? Could it be her best friend blinking at her before leaving elsewhere? She moved to the chair and called her. When she noticed that she wasn't picking up her call, she immediately knew the answer. Sighing, she hung up and put her phone down. "Let's meet again if we have another life," she thought to herself before rejoining the others on the dance floor.

Sunflowers and Meteor Showers

Finally. Finally everything went back normal, at least for the earth. During that sunny day, she felt like driving. She grabbed her sunglasses and went to her convertible. She let the wind blew her hair as she drove on the long and straight road. Some times after that, she saw a bunch of sunflowers at the right side of the road. The road was empty, save for her own car, so she drove while gazing at the beautiful sunflower fields. They were tall and fully bloomed. They were all facing her as if they said hello to her. After the field ended, she turned her gaze back toward the road.

Soon she arrived at the city and found a wide and empty parking lot. The sun was setting, and she gazed at it lovingly. "Hey, I'm so glad that you come," a woman's voice said. She looked up and saw her best friend. Of course she came. It was the promise that they made. They simply promised to come to that spot after the bad thing ended. She felt the sunset was ending, and the sky went slightly darker. The sky was a deep blue hue, but something caught her eye. A twinkle that passed through the sky. "Oh, look! It's a meteor shower!" her friend said. She then began to comprehend that what she saw was a shooting star. Other identical meteors passed, and soon the sky was filled with plenty of them. Shooting stars, sometimes also called as meteor showers. "So pretty," she said, mesmerized at them. It was like the earth was happy again. And the earth would like her to know about happiness too, by showing her the sunflower field and meteor showers.

Dimanakah Bhinneka Tunggal Ika?

"Berbeda-beda namun tetap satu", itulah arti semboyan bangsa Indonesia. Semboyan yang telah diperjuangkan oleh pahlawan-pahlawan di masa lalu untuk kemerdekaan Indonesia. Semboyan yang telah menjadi keindahan Indonesia pada masa kemerdekaannya.

Namun, apakah Indonesia sungguh-sungguh sudah merdeka? Secara teknis, mungkin jawabannya adalah iya. Tetapi, melihat kejadian yang terjadi pada tanggal 4 November 2016, 71 tahun setelah Indonesia mendeklarasikan kemerdekaannya, semboyan tersebut seolah-olah menghilang, atau lebih tepatnya dihilangkan oleh orang-orang yang tidak dapat menerima perbedaan yang menjadi ciri khas dan keindahan Indonesia.

Wahai orang-orang yang menodai semboyan Indonesia yang menghiasi Garuda Indonesia,  apa sebenarnya yang kalian "perjuangkan"? Apa sebenarnya yang kalian "bela"? Kalian tinggal di Indonesia, darah Indonesia mengalir di dalam tubuh kalian. Namun, pantaskah kalian menyebut diri kalian sebagai orang Indonesia,  setelah apa yang kalian lakukan terhadap Bhinneka Tunggal Ika?

Indonesia indah karena keberagaman. "Berbeda-beda namun tetap satu", itulah arti Bhinneka Tunggal Ika. Tetapi, kalian telah menodai semboyan ini. Semboyan yang telah diperjuangkan untuk meraih kemerdekaan negara ini. Apakah kalian merupakan orang Indonesia yang sesungguhnya?

Namun demikian, semboyan tersebut masih hidup, walaupun dia ternodai. Dimanakah Bhinneka Tunggal Ika? Dia masih hidup didalam orang-orang yang masih percaya dengan semboyan tersebut. Dia hidup dalam orang-orang yang memperjuangkan arti dari semboyan tersebut. Namun, apakah orang-orang tersebut memiliki kekuatan yang cukup untuk membersihkan noda yang diakibatkan oleh orang-orang yang menodai semboyan tersebut?

The Meaning of Rose

Rose, is one of the most popular flower in the world. Usually, a lover would give a branch or a bouquet of rose(s), and usually the red one.
However, have you ever wondered? Why is the rose is named the flower of romance, not other flowers? And why should it be red, among the other colors? I've been wondering about it.
To be honest, rose caught my attention as well. That's why it's my favorite flower among all the others. And that's why I've chosen "Rossie" as my fictional name.
In my interpretation, all natural roses must have thorns. Though, the flowers are beautiful with multiple petals. It's also fragrant and useful, not just for decorating but also for beauty. In order to pick a pure natural rose, you may get hurt by the thorns. But what's the connection between this and romance? Maybe, love sometimes hurt? Maybe, cause I've never felt it anyways. A person can be a rose too, using their thorns to protect their beauty. But there's the time when the thorns must be vanish, such as when the roses need to be arranged in a bouquet, etc.
About the color, red, I honestly have no idea at all. But actually, I would prefer white rose(s) than red. It's a very simple color, and it symbolized a pure color. Though I actually like blue rose too, cause it's such a calming and cool color. Blue rose looks quite rare cause there are plenty of reds, whites, pinks, and yellows. So, I like blue rose but I love white rose.
But is that all the meaning of rose? To be the flower of romance? Are there any secrets behind the meaning of rose?

Hurt

I wanna run, but I'll get tired.
I wanna hide, but it won't solve anything.
I'm frustrated, but there's nothing much that I can do.
I'm torn, and I'm breaking down.
What should I do?
My life is messed up.
I wanna fight, but I'll get hurt.
Being in so much pain, it hurts a lot.
But giving up isn't my option.
To live is, though it already hurts.

I don't mind getting hurt.
But I do mind if I got hurt for no particular reason.
Getting hurt, is a part of living after all.
It's not like I wanna get used to the pain, why would I?
You can't avoid of being hurt.
It's like avoiding your own life.
Eventually, I have to face it.
Facing those things that make me suffer.
But I have no choice.
I'd rather die trying than die giving up.
The game of life, isn't always fair.

Time

Technically, time always go forward. But sometimes, or every time, time isn't equal for anyone although a day is still 24 hours for everyone. Why?

First, no one knows how much time we have until we die. Anyone can die at anytime. How does it sound to you, knowing that you have no idea how many times you have left?

Second, happy moments feel like it last shorter than sad moments. Have you ever experience it, or thinking about it? Imagine like you're chatting with your friends for half an hour but it might feel like just 10 or 15 minutes. However, something terrible which caused you pain that happened years ago, you still can feel it till now. You might think like,"I feel like it was just yesterday that.... happened, but it actually happened months/years ago."

Why is that happy moments last shorter while sad moments last longer? Happy moments make you "forget about time". When you do something that keeps you out of your boring statement like chatting, watching TV, going online, or listening to music, you have the drive to keep doing that so you might not care how long you've been doing that.

While sad moments always stuck in your memories. Although happy moments also stuck in your memories, but who wants to keep their sorrowful thoughts? You might feel like time goes fast around you, but there's something shielding you. You're the only one who feel like time always go slowly. You might also feel very empty, so empty that you feel like your soul isn't here.

So, that's my point of view about time. How does it sound to you?