Believe It, Or Not

She continued walking in the light rain, with no direction in particular. The path seemed endless and dim, with mist coming here and there. She began to realize that the path might be truly endless, but she did not feel exhausted after walking for quite awhile. She did not even notice how long she had spent walking. So she stopped walking and slowly closed her eyes.

When she finally opened her eyes, a figure appeared before her. The figure seemed distorted, like a shadow forming a silhouette which mimicked her own. Realizing that she didn't feel any drops of water, she began noticing that the rain had stopped as well.

She waited for the figure to do something, but it stayed there still. Like a statue made of shadow. Growing impatient, she wondered why the figure was there. Until a chilling voice asked her, "where do you want this road leads you to?"

The voice sounded like it came from the figure. She figured that maybe this figure had a clue on what was about to happen to her. Without opening her mouth, she asked the figure the meaning of the question.

"You don't believe in heaven and hell, correct?" "Yes." "Then, where do you want to be?"

She pondered if she would actually gain what she wanted in this realm. It seemed too good to be true. But she felt the pull to convey what she believed to this mysterious shadow figure. So she did. "Very well," the figure responded and moved aside, revealing nothing in front of her. At that moment, the road where she stood appeared like the very end of the road with nothing in front of it. She knew that the road behind her existed, but she never wanted to look back. Nor did she want to go back. But then, a curiosity came over her.

"Wait," she frantically searched for the figure, which resided right next to her. "You would like to know something, do you?" At that, she realized that this figure might know everything. "I see you have realized something about me. And you are a curious soul after all," the figure stated.

Without her having to ask what made her curious, the scenery before them shifted. It was black and red. There were flames, and there were people screaming in pain. "These people believed in heaven and hell," the figure stated before the scenery shifted once more. "So are they," the figure stated. She gazed at the scenery before her, a very contrast to the previous one with people seemingly in content and the whole place was engulfed in warm light. "And then, there are these people who believed in something else," the figure state before the scenery changed once more. She saw blinding light which gradually dimmed down, revealing what seemed like personal resting places. An endless galaxy, a meadow in spring with freshly bloomed flowers, bed made of fluffy clouds, and more.

Suddenly, it all clicked. "It's all in the head," she whispered. "Yes. Some people believed in heaven and hell. Some people believed in seeing that one blinding light which served as the gateway for eternal peace. Some people believed that they would live in a body once more. And you? Your belief is quite rare, I suppose."

The scenery before them had returned to nothing. Now that she knew, she was ready to step into that blank space before her. She was satisfied enough with what she knew. She did not need to know how it was decided who went to hell and who went to heaven for those who believed in them. Because she believed that the decision was made fairly, unlike the place where she lived.

She turned her gaze to the figure once more, which seemed to wait for her to make the step. She felt the urge to thank the figure for revealing the information to her, so she did. Even if deep down, she felt like the figure might be able to feel her gratitude. Returning her gaze back to the nothingness, she stepped forward. And just like her surrounding, she became nothing. She finally disappeared; and soon, her physical existence would disappear as well in due time. It did not matter to her if she would be remembered or not, because she had truly disappeared into nothingness.

Goodbye

In the state I was in, nothing mattered. In the state I was in, time didn't matter. In the state I was in, nothing existed. In the state I was in, no one mattered. In the state I was in, no one existed. No one but me.

As if watching a movie in the theater, a rectangular shaped light flickered before me. Soon, I was watching my entire life. But instead of forward, it was moving backward.

I saw myself rushed backward on a hospital bed. I saw myself flipping the paged of my favorite book backward. I saw myself walking backward down the street, and all the vehicles & people were also moving backward. I saw myself returning the water into the glass from my mouth. I saw my younger self running backward along with my brother.

By then, I remembered something. When you saw flashes of your life rewinding, it meant that you were about to die.

The memory kept on playing even if I came to realize what was happening. I was not afraid. I fully understood that those who lived would eventually died. So I stayed there to watch all my rewinding memory until the very last end. I was calm, knowing that my life had come to an end. And when the film had come to an end, a white light blinded my sight.

When the intensity of the light decreased, I was lying in a closed wooden space. The wood seemed young as the color was light. It felt soft and comfortable. Then I noticed my attire. I was wearing a soft white dress which reached my knees. The dress, too, was comfortable.

I closed my eyes and let my smile blossomed, soaking in the atmosphere in the closed space. "Finally," I thought to myself before I felt another intense white light binding my sight.

It was dark and raining. I couldn't feel the rain at all even though I didn't have an umbrella. I was standing before a grave, my own grave. After awhile, I whispered softly, "Goodbye, my old self." I walked away without looking back.

Golden Trees and Fallen Fruits

She woke up in an unknown yet comfortable place. She took a moment to adjust to her surroundings, then she realized that she was finally on a trip with her best friend. She rose from her bed and exited the room to freshen up.

Knowing that her best friend tend to wake up later, she decided to fix a breakfast for both of them. She finished her breakfast and took a shower. When she had exited her room, already dressed up and freshly showered, she saw her best friend standing before the table with a hint of sleepiness in her eyes. She told her best friend that she would take a walk in the nearby park for awhile, and she had cooked breakfast for them. She exited the apartment with her beige trench coat to keep her warm.

Fallen autumn leaves were scattering across the park. The trees themselves had orange and yellow tinted leaves. Some people were running, cycling, having a picnic, and simply did the same activity as her. She kept on walking deeper into the park until she saw a group of oddly mesmerizing tree. The trees were tall and had golden leaves, almost identical to the hue of the precious metal. They also had several round fruits with the same color as the leaves. Suddenly, all of the fruits fell from the tree within the exact same time. She didn’t realize there were other people nearby, until she heard rustling and murmurs. She witnessed people gathering the golden fruits. Some of them ate it and had a smile on their faces.

By Osnat Fine Art on Pinterest

  

A woman approached her and offered her the fruit. The confusion must be obvious on her face, so the woman told her everything she knew about the trees. The autumn scenery provided a perfect camouflage, while the other seasons made them stood out since the color of the leaves didn’t change. The trees only produced ripened fruits on autumn, and those who tasted it would taste happiness. At that, her expression turned grim as she knew that happiness would never last. But before the woman before her could reply, she heard her best friend called her name. She turned around, and there she stood a couple of feet from her. The women gave her another fruit and told her to enjoy it while it last, then she walked away. 

She approached her best friend who stood there next to a bench. The people around them were still gathering and eating the fruit. She gave one of the fruits from the mysterious woman to her best friend and sat down on the bench. Just like those who were eating it, her best friend’s features radiated happiness after she took a bite of the golden fruit. She was curious, so she asked her best friend about the taste. Her best friend told her that she never encountered a taste like that, but it strangely made her happy. She internally sighed, thinking whether or not she deserved happiness while storing the fruit in her sling bag. She masked her true emotion with a smile so natural that her best friend seemed convinced that she already sampled the fruit.

Magical Calendula

As a tea lover, I was drawn into other types of tea like herbal and flower tea. And recently, I've been drawn into flower tea so much that I haven't purchased any regular tea bags which are easily found at the nearby stores and mini markets. Why do I put up with ordering flower tea from online shops when I can just walk several meters from my home and buy a box of tea bags, you might ask. The initial motive was the taste and benefits, since flower tea and herbal tea aren't from tea leaves and therefore contain no caffeine. My biggest curiosity was on the taste since I have to admit what makes me avoid coffee is the taste of the caffeine whilst tea have lower caffeine level thus making me able to tolerate the taste.

I think the first flower tea that I had was chamomile, but it was long ago that I'm beginning to forget the taste. Then rosebud tea, I fell in love with it. Next was forget-me-not, which might not be as popular as other flower tea. And now, I still have some calendula tea in my kitchen. Which is the star of this particular post.

I made a mistake of putting more than one flower buds and boiling them, so I was not prepared for how strong the taste was. Despite of the attack of the bitterness, I could tell that the bitterness was different with regular tea and other kinds of tea from tea leaves. Just like how the sweetness varies between sugar, honey, and maple. At that moment, I vowed to change my method to place only a bud of calendula into a cup and pour the boiled water in. And I always sip my calendula tea that way, leaving the bud in the cup when the tea was completely drained into my system.

Calendula is one of a variety of marigold, and I was impressed by how soothing the scent of the steaming tea make me feel although the effect isn't as strong as rosemary tea. After I drank it, I concluded that flower tea and herb tea may have more calming effect than regular tea for me regardless of how often I drink it. Which is why I only drink them when I'm feeling under the weather and not regularly. I only take them when I need them.

One day, I felt my eyes weakened as an effect of staring at a screen for quite a long time. I was aware that one of the most popular thing to soothe the eyes is sliced cucumber. Though I haven't tried it, I have tried using chilled teabags in the past. They worked, obviously, but I only have dried calendula. I wondered if I can use the used buds over my eyes since the buds aren't as small as rosebud and forget-me-not. Though I haven't found anyone who use extracted calendula buds to soothe their eyes, I found interesting benefits of calendula from healthline which noted the antioxidant properties in the flower among other benefits like anti aging and its healing properties. I also found that Kiehl's also launched a series of products featuring the flower.

Convinced by what I read, I began to slightly change my method. When the cup of calendula tea is warm enough for me to drink, I scooped the buds and petals into another cup and added some of the tea to keep them hydrated. Then I chilled them in the fridge. I use two buds for each of my eyes, so I repeated the same steps for the second bud and placed it into the same glass with extra water for both buds. I dabbed the buds over my eyes and felt my eyes refreshed and soothed. I discarded the buds and left with the extracted water which turned into deep orange liquid with several petals scattering in it. I didn't know what to do with it, but then I remembered what I read from my research and the fact that the flower is used in several skincare products. Then I had an idea.

I remembered something about the effect on acne, so I tentatively dabbed it over my stress caused acne and kept the rest of the extract in an empty bottle to let it chill in the fridge. The next morning came and the size of the acne was significantly reduced from my forehead. One thing led to another, so I kept dabbing my eyes with the buds and stored the extract into the bottle until it filled approximately a quarter of the bottle. I then bought a package of compressed sheet mask and used the extract to create DIY sheet mask. I use them twice a day and leave them on my face for less than 20 minutes.

The first thing I noticed after using it was how hydrated my skin felt, similar to what I feel whenever I use brand produced sheet masks. Now, my skin feels less oily and the acne is gradually decreasing. I also noted that it might take longer time for the acne mark to disappear, but the process of reducing the size and redness is relatively quick on my skin. Satisfied by the result, I made a decision to keep on using the dried calendula at this particular order: separate and chill the buds with some of the water, sip the tea, buds for eye, and extracts for sheet mask.

With this new-found knowledge, I think I might experiment when I try other types of flower tea. I'm really excited to experiment with lavender tea as it's another well-known flower used in skincare, although I might not use it for my eyes since the buds are way smaller than rosebuds. But until then, I'm using the dried calendula in those orders above until I'm running out of it. The only warning I'll give if anyone else is using calendula is allergy, which I have found in this website. Also, there are other methods to use calendula for skincare (like this one); but the only reason I use calendula extract (or technically tea) is that I have dried calendula while some may use ground calendula or calendula tincture with additional ingredients to complement the type of calendula they're using. I'm comfortable with using just the extract and sheet mask, so anyone else can use any type of calendula and other ingredients which are comfortable for their own skin.

2020

 By the title of this post, I feel like it's very obvious of what this post is about. It might be approximately 75-80% about my views and thoughts about the impact of that one thing which leads to other things which wreak havoc on the entire world. The rest? Let's see about that.

To say that I had a feeling that 2020 is gonna be tough is an understatement. Regardless of whatever is going on in my life, new years are always filled with joy and excitement of what to come. The joy of trying, doing, and accomplishing new things; the excitement of going through anything in order to get to them. It can be the new chapter, or it can be a new book of your own personal series. But alas, I somehow got a very sour mood at the end of 2019 for around a month or two. Could be heavily influenced by some personal issues, but I usually never felt so sour at the end of a year with the exception of that year. Even if I'm not entirely happy with my life because of those kinds of issues, at least I always keep my mood bright and sunny on new years since I always feel giddy about having new experiences; new life. And after the pandemic strikes, I can't help but think that my own soul might had warned me about this year's huge mayhem by projecting that sour mood in me.

One thing leads to others, which are worse things that come in this year's case. I know I might sound so inconsiderate to say that the death toll isn't shocking, but I can't expect anything else since I've lived with it for around more than 8 months. It's devastating, yet I can't think of how selfish humankind is. Overpopulation (which is obvious), people blaming each other instead of sticking together to end this together, and I read some news where some companies who are creating a vaccine are reportedly using shark's squalene in it. Perhaps it is true that by nature we are the most selfish creature. Or I'd rather say by fate. Sure, our selfishness may be one of the key of the survival for human's existence; but I also can't help but wonder how far we should take it.

By the exact same fate, a lot of people lose their jobs or even having zero chance before even trying. Some try their best to survive even if they have to do something that doesn't have to do with what they want in life or their passion, while others just couldn't take anymore. Some are lucky enough to still be able to sustain themselves with proper care or even more, and some might just already living as a zombie and wish that their existence could end without them doing the dirty job. Heck, some even do the complete opposite of what I've mentioned in the previous paragraph and desperately tried, or they might still trying, to hold on for dear life in humanity regardless of whether or not will it eventually slip away from their grasps.

For the thinkers, like me, plenty of questions appeared during this unfortunate timing. Particularly the how and why. Though the how might be very interesting to know the answer of, the why hold branches of thoughts. Why is this happening, why do we deserve this, why are we living like this. I even think that those questions have the same meaning despite of being phrased differently. The truth is, we may never know the why answer as a fact. The how may be able to give a fact as an answer, like how the virus presented itself in the first place and how it eventually spread throughout the world. But why, that one word which was constantly used during my thesis period might have different answers depending on how each people look at it. For parasite type of selfish people, they might say something about blaming and failures. Some may say that this is the punishment for humans for we have been selfish for quite a period of time. Or even more blunt people might say that we deserve this. Some may say that it happens to teach us or tell us something. Though is might be linked with the punishment notion, it's quite arguable that not every lesson should be taught with punishment. Or this might happen to test our sense of humanity.

As for me, the short version is fate. That literally everything that happen in this world are meant to be, and they happen for a reason. Or more. Of course, only God who completely knows what the reason(s) is/are. Looking back to how humans shape the earth into this planet that we are living in, there might be a possibility that we deserve this. There might be a possibility that we are punished, tested, and being taught by this difficult time. But as I come to my decision to be very ignorant of those possibilities, I also thought about letting go. Because everything is fated. Every roadblock, every twists and turns in our own lives, every kinds of changes, every single things of them are meant to be. I decided to become water; go with the flow. The flow of God's energy which seeps into my soul, guiding every steps and decisions I make. Even if I make mistakes, those are meant to happen cause they happened.

Obviously, I can't say that I'm happy; but at least I'm trying my best to do what God wants me to do within my own pace. If God wants me to survive, I'll survive. If God wants me to believe that everything is going to be fine, the least I can do is letting go and just flow. At last, some things are easier said than done. Oh, and old habits die hard. I still have a hard time believing that it's going to be fine despite of the dreams which I've written in the previous posts, and the result of Omikuji (おみくじ) that I have. Yes, I even ask God's guidance whenever I take that Japanese fortune telling slip. It's difficult to believe since worse things keep happening and the fact that I have to see it to believe it in this particular case, but I can try to decrease all the negative impacts in my mind.

So, that's 2020 in a nutshell.  With the addition of my thoughts of this horrible year. Some may say that this is the worst year ever, only because of the generations who actually live through this. I even have read somewhere that this is technically not the worst year this planet has ever faced. And there's a possibility that this year might not be the worst year humans have faced considering there was ancient pandemic and outbreaks in the previous decades and centuries. But it's true that this year is terrible. I can't say that I'm excited for what to come next year, but I'm also curious whether or not the signs God had given me will come true.

Thank You, E-girls

At last, the time is getting real close to the official disbandment of one of my favorite Japanese girl group: E-girls. I actually debated myself whether I should write a post or not about them, but I decided to do that as a tribute and my way of thanking them for ever existed. Aside from the fact that they are one of the few Japanese girl group (not idol group) that catch my eyes.

 

E-girls Promoting E.G. TIME

 

I still remember clearly the thing that brought me to the name of this group. It was a comment on a local J-pop fan account during AKB's Teacher Teacher era where the comment that caught me was about the song's style to E-girls (considering how upbeat it is, perhaps). I can't remember the first song that I heard from them, but I was very impressed by their talents and concepts. Especially the vocalists and performer concepts, which I eventually found out that it was originated from their brother group EXILE. Since then, I feel like LDH groups (that follow the formation of Vocals and Performers) are the place where singers and dancers can share the same stage without overshadowing each other. The vocalists may dance along in their MVs, but they mostly focused on singing during their live performance. As for the performers, they were more focused during the dance break and each of them occasionally were given the chance to do their freestyles on concerts. Essentially, their roles were perfectly focused on the talent that they used in the group.

 

 

E-girls Promoting Dance Dance Dance

Not long after that, I was hooked on most of LDH's groups and now I only haven't stan their younger groups that much because I haven't paid attention to them yet. I became informed that E-girls was made as a joint project to combine the girlgroups in LDH: Dream (the only group where all members sing & dance, and not initially originated from LDH), Happiness, & Flower. I instantly love each of these groups and began my exploration further into the fandom. The early EG Pyramid system, as well as the new EG 11 formation within the circle of EG Family which included the remaining girlgroup and female soloists and artists who previously involved with E-girls and remained in the agency. Coincidentally, I only became their fan during the EG 11 era. And next year (which is only two days apart from now), EG Family is changing into LDH Girls as the group that has the name in the collective artists (???) officially disbanded. But let's get to the disbandment stuff later.

E-girls Last Live with Back Dancers (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

 

Their style is probably the big factor of why I became their fan, considering I initially was a fan of western upbeat dance and pop music during my adolescent era. Next came the talents. The vocalists really have the gifted voice with them, and they were truly trained to use their voices to perfection. And the performers are no different; they were trained to bring their best in performing the choreography. Branding themselves as an artist (instead of idol), the members also had their fair share of involving in the creative production. Furthermore, I find their early releases more fitted to the category of "cheerful pop" instead of "cute/kawaii", considering how different they use the generally called cute concept compared to the orthodox Japanese idol groups. As time goes by, their concept shifted into a more mature concept which I love, similar to Happiness who grew from cheerful upbeat pop to badass girl crush concept. They also used various concepts like retro style in Dance Dance Dance, and took a melody from a legendary Japanese group Yellow Magic Orchestra's song "Rydeen" while giving it a twist of Latin dance music for their song "Dance All Night (Rydeen)".

 

E-girls Last Live (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

During their remaining two years prior to their announcement of disbandment, I have known their style and the remaining two groups within the EG Family circle. So when it was mentioned that the members had different opinions sometimes, I recognized a slight pattern of their releases with the style of the other LDH girlgroups. Like how "Show Time" could be Happiness' concept with the similarity of the style to Happiness' "Gold", and how the MV of "Pain, pain" resembles Flower's style. And perhaps their disbandment is purely the members' decisions, which I respected regardless of the short two years that I became their fan. It's also still shocking that two members of Happiness/E-girls decided to leave the agency, subsequently leaving their groups and disbanding their trio unit at the same time when E-girls disband. Regardless, I can only respect their wishes and continue to support them regardless of having different paths with each others. As I believe that the agency also respected the artists' decisions.

 

E-girls Cake (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

In the end, I basically want to thank E-girls for ever existing. As their existence has given me enough evidence of their creativity, talent, and style. It has been a short two years and I may not have the chance to attend their concerts; but I have supported them in my own ways. Two memorable years and the members are set to step on their different paths. I would keep on supporting Happiness with their 5 members formation, as well as Reina Washio's solo project as Rei. I may check into their younger sister group Girls², but I might not check them that soon. Lastly, E-girls might disband but they have left their artistic footprint in the industry of Japanese entertainment. The footprint which most likely won't fade within my memory.

Lemony Hair

Lemon. A refreshing citrus which has benefits for both inner and outer sides of our body thanks to its acidity. The vitamin c is no doubt beneficial for our health. Lemon is also used in skincare and haircare. Specifically, this post is closely related to haircare since one of the side effect of using lemon on hair is lightening its color. Without further ado, let's get to my experience of using lemon for hair.

I initially used lemon because of my issue with dandruff. I squeezed an entire lemon and poured the juice into my shampoo. In the following year, I found out that it can lighten hair color. So I tried it. I squeezed out the lemons and poured the juice into a spray bottle. I sprayed it on my hair and leave it for several minutes. Sometimes later, I found that sunlight can accelerate the lightening process; so I got to my balcony to get some sunlight after I sprayed it onto my hair. I continued this process but my black hair stayed the same. The dandruff issue was gone and my hair got more shiny, but I was disappointed when the color stayed. I even used honey too which worked kinda quickly for my senior year classmate who used it for split ends, but it didn't work for me either. Maybe my virgin hair was just too stubborn.

Eventually, I dyed my hair around three years ago. I only dyed my hair again when the color faded. The last time I dyed my hair was last year in December, and the result was uneven although it was spread evenly to my hair. Probably cause it's not the usual hair dye that I used. My hair gradually had dark brown ombre highlights after that. I soon got bored again with my hair color; and after thinking about the current situation, I decided to try using lemon again with my hair conditions at that time.

I purchased four lemons from a nearby supermarket. With my current hair length and thickness, I only need half a lemon for my hair. I also used different method this time. I preserved the half and the other lemons in the fridge, while the half that I'm using for the day is cut into four tiny pieces. Then I squeezed the lemon straight to my hair and scalp. After that, I sat in my balcony for an hour. With a timer, of course. When an hour has passed, I rinsed it with water (and I rinse it with sulfate-free shampoo only during my scheduled shampoo-ing days). I'm pretty satisfied with the result that I decided to do it again. Four lemons, half a lemon a day, an hour in the sun, and wait for the magic to come.

Based on my experience, I've noted the pros and cons of lightening hair with lemon (and sunlight as its accelerator).

Pros	Cons
A natural source of hair lightening	Not recommended for impatient people, cause it's a  gradual progress
May not be as expensive as getting your hair colored in a saloon and/or buying the hair colorant kits (hair dye, bleach, etc.)	May not lighten hair, or it can take longer time for the result to show if the hair is too dark (like how my virgin hair was)
No burning sensation during the process, compared to using hair dye and bleach	Due to the high level of acidity, it can dry the hair and result in split ends if the juice stays too long; especially with the exposure to sunlight as the accelerator to lighten the hair.
Natural anti dandruff agent
Hair looks shiny
Promotes hair growth (my bangs noticeably grows faster)

I also listed two other things that may take into consideration when using this natural hair lightening agent:

1. Black/brown hair turns orange-ish, not blond (which I personally don't mind as long as the color changes)
2. The result might be uneven (only shown more prominently on the outer layer of hair or the strands which are exposed to the sunlight) which may be fine for those who don't mind with getting highlights but may not be fine for someone who wants even hair color

Here are my before and after photos, during my second time using the current method since I didn't think about sharing and writing this during the first time.

After

Before

I'm glad that my hair color is lightening. Some parts near my scalp is also lightened slightly, although it may not shown properly from my phone's camera. I think I'm gonna stop using lemon for awhile until either I get bored again or my split ends disappear.

So, this is my experience in changing (or lightening) my hair color using lemon with the help of sunlight. If anyone is interested in trying it, you can try what's the best method and precautions since it depends on your hair color and its conditions. Besides, there's not harm in exploring natural ways to change hair color (with several precautions, of course). Oh, and try not to cut yourself when cutting the lemons. You definitely don't want a stinging pain which is slightly more painful than using rubbing alcohol on your wound.