2020

 By the title of this post, I feel like it's very obvious of what this post is about. It might be approximately 75-80% about my views and thoughts about the impact of that one thing which leads to other things which wreak havoc on the entire world. The rest? Let's see about that.

To say that I had a feeling that 2020 is gonna be tough is an understatement. Regardless of whatever is going on in my life, new years are always filled with joy and excitement of what to come. The joy of trying, doing, and accomplishing new things; the excitement of going through anything in order to get to them. It can be the new chapter, or it can be a new book of your own personal series. But alas, I somehow got a very sour mood at the end of 2019 for around a month or two. Could be heavily influenced by some personal issues, but I usually never felt so sour at the end of a year with the exception of that year. Even if I'm not entirely happy with my life because of those kinds of issues, at least I always keep my mood bright and sunny on new years since I always feel giddy about having new experiences; new life. And after the pandemic strikes, I can't help but think that my own soul might had warned me about this year's huge mayhem by projecting that sour mood in me.

One thing leads to others, which are worse things that come in this year's case. I know I might sound so inconsiderate to say that the death toll isn't shocking, but I can't expect anything else since I've lived with it for around more than 8 months. It's devastating, yet I can't think of how selfish humankind is. Overpopulation (which is obvious), people blaming each other instead of sticking together to end this together, and I read some news where some companies who are creating a vaccine are reportedly using shark's squalene in it. Perhaps it is true that by nature we are the most selfish creature. Or I'd rather say by fate. Sure, our selfishness may be one of the key of the survival for human's existence; but I also can't help but wonder how far we should take it.

By the exact same fate, a lot of people lose their jobs or even having zero chance before even trying. Some try their best to survive even if they have to do something that doesn't have to do with what they want in life or their passion, while others just couldn't take anymore. Some are lucky enough to still be able to sustain themselves with proper care or even more, and some might just already living as a zombie and wish that their existence could end without them doing the dirty job. Heck, some even do the complete opposite of what I've mentioned in the previous paragraph and desperately tried, or they might still trying, to hold on for dear life in humanity regardless of whether or not will it eventually slip away from their grasps.

For the thinkers, like me, plenty of questions appeared during this unfortunate timing. Particularly the how and why. Though the how might be very interesting to know the answer of, the why hold branches of thoughts. Why is this happening, why do we deserve this, why are we living like this. I even think that those questions have the same meaning despite of being phrased differently. The truth is, we may never know the why answer as a fact. The how may be able to give a fact as an answer, like how the virus presented itself in the first place and how it eventually spread throughout the world. But why, that one word which was constantly used during my thesis period might have different answers depending on how each people look at it. For parasite type of selfish people, they might say something about blaming and failures. Some may say that this is the punishment for humans for we have been selfish for quite a period of time. Or even more blunt people might say that we deserve this. Some may say that it happens to teach us or tell us something. Though is might be linked with the punishment notion, it's quite arguable that not every lesson should be taught with punishment. Or this might happen to test our sense of humanity.

As for me, the short version is fate. That literally everything that happen in this world are meant to be, and they happen for a reason. Or more. Of course, only God who completely knows what the reason(s) is/are. Looking back to how humans shape the earth into this planet that we are living in, there might be a possibility that we deserve this. There might be a possibility that we are punished, tested, and being taught by this difficult time. But as I come to my decision to be very ignorant of those possibilities, I also thought about letting go. Because everything is fated. Every roadblock, every twists and turns in our own lives, every kinds of changes, every single things of them are meant to be. I decided to become water; go with the flow. The flow of God's energy which seeps into my soul, guiding every steps and decisions I make. Even if I make mistakes, those are meant to happen cause they happened.

Obviously, I can't say that I'm happy; but at least I'm trying my best to do what God wants me to do within my own pace. If God wants me to survive, I'll survive. If God wants me to believe that everything is going to be fine, the least I can do is letting go and just flow. At last, some things are easier said than done. Oh, and old habits die hard. I still have a hard time believing that it's going to be fine despite of the dreams which I've written in the previous posts, and the result of Omikuji (おみくじ) that I have. Yes, I even ask God's guidance whenever I take that Japanese fortune telling slip. It's difficult to believe since worse things keep happening and the fact that I have to see it to believe it in this particular case, but I can try to decrease all the negative impacts in my mind.

So, that's 2020 in a nutshell.  With the addition of my thoughts of this horrible year. Some may say that this is the worst year ever, only because of the generations who actually live through this. I even have read somewhere that this is technically not the worst year this planet has ever faced. And there's a possibility that this year might not be the worst year humans have faced considering there was ancient pandemic and outbreaks in the previous decades and centuries. But it's true that this year is terrible. I can't say that I'm excited for what to come next year, but I'm also curious whether or not the signs God had given me will come true.

Thank You, E-girls

At last, the time is getting real close to the official disbandment of one of my favorite Japanese girl group: E-girls. I actually debated myself whether I should write a post or not about them, but I decided to do that as a tribute and my way of thanking them for ever existed. Aside from the fact that they are one of the few Japanese girl group (not idol group) that catch my eyes.

 

E-girls Promoting E.G. TIME

 

I still remember clearly the thing that brought me to the name of this group. It was a comment on a local J-pop fan account during AKB's Teacher Teacher era where the comment that caught me was about the song's style to E-girls (considering how upbeat it is, perhaps). I can't remember the first song that I heard from them, but I was very impressed by their talents and concepts. Especially the vocalists and performer concepts, which I eventually found out that it was originated from their brother group EXILE. Since then, I feel like LDH groups (that follow the formation of Vocals and Performers) are the place where singers and dancers can share the same stage without overshadowing each other. The vocalists may dance along in their MVs, but they mostly focused on singing during their live performance. As for the performers, they were more focused during the dance break and each of them occasionally were given the chance to do their freestyles on concerts. Essentially, their roles were perfectly focused on the talent that they used in the group.

 

 

E-girls Promoting Dance Dance Dance

Not long after that, I was hooked on most of LDH's groups and now I only haven't stan their younger groups that much because I haven't paid attention to them yet. I became informed that E-girls was made as a joint project to combine the girlgroups in LDH: Dream (the only group where all members sing & dance, and not initially originated from LDH), Happiness, & Flower. I instantly love each of these groups and began my exploration further into the fandom. The early EG Pyramid system, as well as the new EG 11 formation within the circle of EG Family which included the remaining girlgroup and female soloists and artists who previously involved with E-girls and remained in the agency. Coincidentally, I only became their fan during the EG 11 era. And next year (which is only two days apart from now), EG Family is changing into LDH Girls as the group that has the name in the collective artists (???) officially disbanded. But let's get to the disbandment stuff later.

E-girls Last Live with Back Dancers (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

 

Their style is probably the big factor of why I became their fan, considering I initially was a fan of western upbeat dance and pop music during my adolescent era. Next came the talents. The vocalists really have the gifted voice with them, and they were truly trained to use their voices to perfection. And the performers are no different; they were trained to bring their best in performing the choreography. Branding themselves as an artist (instead of idol), the members also had their fair share of involving in the creative production. Furthermore, I find their early releases more fitted to the category of "cheerful pop" instead of "cute/kawaii", considering how different they use the generally called cute concept compared to the orthodox Japanese idol groups. As time goes by, their concept shifted into a more mature concept which I love, similar to Happiness who grew from cheerful upbeat pop to badass girl crush concept. They also used various concepts like retro style in Dance Dance Dance, and took a melody from a legendary Japanese group Yellow Magic Orchestra's song "Rydeen" while giving it a twist of Latin dance music for their song "Dance All Night (Rydeen)".

 

E-girls Last Live (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

During their remaining two years prior to their announcement of disbandment, I have known their style and the remaining two groups within the EG Family circle. So when it was mentioned that the members had different opinions sometimes, I recognized a slight pattern of their releases with the style of the other LDH girlgroups. Like how "Show Time" could be Happiness' concept with the similarity of the style to Happiness' "Gold", and how the MV of "Pain, pain" resembles Flower's style. And perhaps their disbandment is purely the members' decisions, which I respected regardless of the short two years that I became their fan. It's also still shocking that two members of Happiness/E-girls decided to leave the agency, subsequently leaving their groups and disbanding their trio unit at the same time when E-girls disband. Regardless, I can only respect their wishes and continue to support them regardless of having different paths with each others. As I believe that the agency also respected the artists' decisions.

 

E-girls Cake (©: reina.washio.official on Instagram)

In the end, I basically want to thank E-girls for ever existing. As their existence has given me enough evidence of their creativity, talent, and style. It has been a short two years and I may not have the chance to attend their concerts; but I have supported them in my own ways. Two memorable years and the members are set to step on their different paths. I would keep on supporting Happiness with their 5 members formation, as well as Reina Washio's solo project as Rei. I may check into their younger sister group Girls², but I might not check them that soon. Lastly, E-girls might disband but they have left their artistic footprint in the industry of Japanese entertainment. The footprint which most likely won't fade within my memory.

Lemony Hair

Lemon. A refreshing citrus which has benefits for both inner and outer sides of our body thanks to its acidity. The vitamin c is no doubt beneficial for our health. Lemon is also used in skincare and haircare. Specifically, this post is closely related to haircare since one of the side effect of using lemon on hair is lightening its color. Without further ado, let's get to my experience of using lemon for hair.

I initially used lemon because of my issue with dandruff. I squeezed an entire lemon and poured the juice into my shampoo. In the following year, I found out that it can lighten hair color. So I tried it. I squeezed out the lemons and poured the juice into a spray bottle. I sprayed it on my hair and leave it for several minutes. Sometimes later, I found that sunlight can accelerate the lightening process; so I got to my balcony to get some sunlight after I sprayed it onto my hair. I continued this process but my black hair stayed the same. The dandruff issue was gone and my hair got more shiny, but I was disappointed when the color stayed. I even used honey too which worked kinda quickly for my senior year classmate who used it for split ends, but it didn't work for me either. Maybe my virgin hair was just too stubborn.

Eventually, I dyed my hair around three years ago. I only dyed my hair again when the color faded. The last time I dyed my hair was last year in December, and the result was uneven although it was spread evenly to my hair. Probably cause it's not the usual hair dye that I used. My hair gradually had dark brown ombre highlights after that. I soon got bored again with my hair color; and after thinking about the current situation, I decided to try using lemon again with my hair conditions at that time.

I purchased four lemons from a nearby supermarket. With my current hair length and thickness, I only need half a lemon for my hair. I also used different method this time. I preserved the half and the other lemons in the fridge, while the half that I'm using for the day is cut into four tiny pieces. Then I squeezed the lemon straight to my hair and scalp. After that, I sat in my balcony for an hour. With a timer, of course. When an hour has passed, I rinsed it with water (and I rinse it with sulfate-free shampoo only during my scheduled shampoo-ing days). I'm pretty satisfied with the result that I decided to do it again. Four lemons, half a lemon a day, an hour in the sun, and wait for the magic to come.

Based on my experience, I've noted the pros and cons of lightening hair with lemon (and sunlight as its accelerator).

Pros	Cons
A natural source of hair lightening	Not recommended for impatient people, cause it's a  gradual progress
May not be as expensive as getting your hair colored in a saloon and/or buying the hair colorant kits (hair dye, bleach, etc.)	May not lighten hair, or it can take longer time for the result to show if the hair is too dark (like how my virgin hair was)
No burning sensation during the process, compared to using hair dye and bleach	Due to the high level of acidity, it can dry the hair and result in split ends if the juice stays too long; especially with the exposure to sunlight as the accelerator to lighten the hair.
Natural anti dandruff agent
Hair looks shiny
Promotes hair growth (my bangs noticeably grows faster)

I also listed two other things that may take into consideration when using this natural hair lightening agent:

1. Black/brown hair turns orange-ish, not blond (which I personally don't mind as long as the color changes)
2. The result might be uneven (only shown more prominently on the outer layer of hair or the strands which are exposed to the sunlight) which may be fine for those who don't mind with getting highlights but may not be fine for someone who wants even hair color

Here are my before and after photos, during my second time using the current method since I didn't think about sharing and writing this during the first time.

After

Before

I'm glad that my hair color is lightening. Some parts near my scalp is also lightened slightly, although it may not shown properly from my phone's camera. I think I'm gonna stop using lemon for awhile until either I get bored again or my split ends disappear.

So, this is my experience in changing (or lightening) my hair color using lemon with the help of sunlight. If anyone is interested in trying it, you can try what's the best method and precautions since it depends on your hair color and its conditions. Besides, there's not harm in exploring natural ways to change hair color (with several precautions, of course). Oh, and try not to cut yourself when cutting the lemons. You definitely don't want a stinging pain which is slightly more painful than using rubbing alcohol on your wound.

Tainted Destiny

The darkening sky somehow reflected sorrow

While someone out there might felt hollow

The constant state of nothingness felt tiresome

So did being strong for so long that it became lonesome

Interesting it was to see how the universe shown such pity

Alas, some people was just ignorant and silly

One might felt like everything was fated

Regardless of how cruel one's life might be fated

It was easy to think that one was merely a dust

In a whole wide world that began to rust

It was the complexity of being human

Yet it was why one might not want to stay as a human

As a human, there was the urge to have control

But it was foolish to think that everything was under control

For everything wouldn't get out of line

If everything was just fine

Being strong for too long felt tiring

Being weak for too long also felt tiring

Both ended up with losing it

And worst of all, it might went to ending it

Beautified Pain

Pain. It is associated with a feeling (either physically and/or emotionally) of getting hurt. It is a thing that may keep someone stronger, but it may also a thing that kills another. As humans tend to beautify things, or merely being optimistic in their language, it seems like this beautifying things may backfire as well.

It's a fact that humans are born with feelings, regardless of which become the dominant ones. And strangely enough, I believe that those who claims that they have no feelings do have a feeling either way. Only because feeling is technically an umbrella term, while specific ones may define more of what they truly feel. One may actually feel afraid of something so they feel like they need to protect themselves and came out as the "emotionless". Or perhaps they are angered of how the world turns like this. And pain is categorized as one of a feeling. Something that some people may like, but others may dislike and hate very much.

Pain is normal. Pain is something that everyone feels. Some may hide it. Some may openly talk about it. It cause different reactions to different people. Only because people are different. We have different lives as well. I'm not saying that it's bad to beautify things or being optimistic, but know that not everyone are as optimistic and lively.

I know how it feels like when you tell someone about the depressing state and they may seem like they're trying to make you feel better but it backfired when they beautify the pain by saying that pain is normal and it'll make you stronger. It's not the thing that need to be said, or written. It's the constant tiredness. The constant and what feels like endless. And to an extend, some can only tolerate so much during a range of time. Such dangerous, destructive combinations.

I feel like this might be another reason why some turns to solitude and even end it all without telling anyone else. Because no one understands, it's "me against the world". And saying "I understand" only to try to make it better doesn't help either. The truth will come out in any ways, so a white lie may even cut deeper and faster than any other things.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging people. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic. But do not throw away the fact that people have different reactions. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry that I can't help you with that" or "Sorry, I don't understand what you're going through but I sincerely hope that you're okay" is better than beautifying pain. It might sound kinda selfish to ask others to be extra gentle in case if a friend or someone you very much know are in that kind of a dark state, only because that state is a truly fragile state. And truthfully, being extra gentle also need patience since there's no definite range of time regarding of depression. What seems like an innocent joke in the wrong time might be a combination of prickling the wound with a dash of salt sprinkling into the unhealed wound. Or could be worse.

P.S.: I'm very aware that my recent posts are most likely dark and depressing, only because it's my blog and I might as well use it as a safe ground to write about what's going on in my mind. I often write about my experiences in several posts as well, and not caring that much about who have read them. Only because writing has some sort of a therapy to me. And I post them when I feel like it. I also understand that every single things that happen are fated, even me writing and posting this. But with the strong urge to post this from my point of view, God's energy is guiding me to share this view regardless.

Synced Sky

Another day had passed. Another sunset was present before her eyes. But unlike the previous ones before the darkness swallowed her whole, this sunset seemed rather timid. It still glowed its signature orange hue and turned pink before the sky went into a darker shade of blue. But the rays were decreasing. It didn't glow the same way; it weren't as bright and beautiful as it used to be. And most of the time, the setting sun and the glorious sunset glows were covered by several groups of clouds.

She sighed as she sipped her glass of Merlot. Strangely, it was the only thing that made her feel alive at that moment. The sensation of a slight warmness streaming from her throat into her abdomen. Her body feeling weightless. It was easy for her soul to feel the same temporary feeling given by her own body. She continued sipping her glass of Merlot while watching the elegy of sunset.

The sun had finally disappeared for that day, and it marked the transition into a darkness. The darkness that may be beautiful due to the moon and the scattered stars. The darkness that might symbolized hope that something pretty can stand out and shone in the dark. The darkness which was supposed to be the continuation of the beautiful sunset. Sadly, it seemed like the sky turned into a bolder view of the sunset of that day. While the sunset was timid with the loss of its original glow, the dark night continued to hide the moon and stars.

Thin translucent clouds were visible across the night sky. It was as if the sky lost its hope. "Or perhaps it's empathizing me," she spoke out loud with her fingers clutching the stem of the now empty glass. Maybe so. She noticed the sky more than anyone else in her neighborhood. She was the only one to see the changes in the sky. She was the only one whose mood was rather often in tune with the end of the day, somehow. But for now, she couldn't care less about the real reason of why the sky seemed in synced with her soul. She couldn't care if she somehow had a strange connection with the sky or if the universe was empathizing her. All she cared about was the moment she was waiting for. The moment when she would finally had new emotions filling her soul.

Being Humans

Humans. A part of living creatures in this earth, with a very distinctive difference from the flora and fauna. Physically, humans are mammals. Some suggested that humans have close physical resemblance to the ape family, although humans are not as hairy and the weigh & height are different as well. Furthermore, humans have one thing that animals don't have. When I was on my elementary school, my teacher who taught me about that explained that humans have the capability to think with our unique minds. And yes, we humans are gifted with our minds. We can think of anything with our minds, which are distinctively different than the minds of animals.

With our minds, us humans have been developing the society to what we are currently in. Any kinds of things to support the lives of humans are constantly created and reviewed, including every decisions that we make and the knowledge that we have. There's also this thing we call humanity. That word has a positive connotation, for it explains the good qualities humans have in order to maintain the existence of human beings. That includes kindness, compassion, sympathy and empathy, etc. Every kinds of positivity that we do for the sake of human's well-being are categorized as humanity.

Taken from Oxford Learner's Pocket Dictionary: Fourth Edition

But we must not forget that not every humans are positive. Throughout the time, history has proven that some humans in the past did not embrace humanity, even though until now I still have no knowledge on when the word humanity was created. Even until now, some people neglected that word for any reasons which made them do that. Whenever someone do any kinds of crimes; they are labelled as not humans, demons, and monsters. Perhaps at this era, those labels are attached to the true criminals as in those who do it out of pure evil, since there are some who committed crimes like stealing crops because they're poor and hungry with their limitations in life. Or some had to kill others in a situation where they were attacked, making it a murder out of self defense. Nonetheless, it's a completely different story if they really intended to do it for the sake of feeding their inner demons.

With the emergence of every cases that disregard humanity, including the current issue which has brought the whole world's attention, a single simplistic question formed in my mind: What makes us humans? Is it enough just for us being physically born as humans to have the rights to call ourselves humans? Then how about the connection between human and humanity? We all maybe humans physically, but what about our actions which defined our souls and characteristics?

Throughout my life, I've been thinking with this mind that I have. I've learned that even though humans have this enhanced mind which makes us more well-developed than the rest of living creatures, we're not perfect either. Throughout our lives, we make mistakes that disregard humanity such as wars and discrimination (be it racism, beliefs, gender and sexuality, etc.). I've learned that the mistakes happened so that we humans can learn by taking the message in order to create a better future for humankind. Yes, it's still unfortunate that some people decided to worship their inner demons and disregard humanity. It's unfortunate that someone must die to bring our attention of how such discrimination still scattered in some places around the world. But it's also unfortunate to blindly judge others for doing things in their own ways although their hearts stand with humanity. It's unfortunate as well that some people burn too much that they may not be able to control their flames. For flame can be considered as a double-edged sword. It can keep yo warm, but you might get burned if you got too close. And if you get burned too much, you may die eventually. Because I believe that things that are too much are not good, we may agree to disagree on this matter as we have different opinions.

Considering a lot of things that I've learned and known, I've come to my own conclusion on what makes someone a human. Perhaps it won't be as simple as "being humans means this and that", because we're naturally born as humans. Which means that we're al humans in physical matter. What makes the difference is the connection between humans and humanity, whereas the latter is categorized as our individual characteristics. We also cannot ignore the labels which applied to those who decided to disregard humanity in any kinds of ways. As well as the truth. Perhaps some of them do what seemed like a bad thing only because they have to. What matters is the real intention, for I have seen a lot of greys between the blacks and whites. Thus, I believe that what makes us humans (in case of our characteristics) is in where we stand as an individual. I know where I stand, and I stand with humanity. Some may decided to do the same, but we may have different ways and actions to protect and maintain humanity. And it's completely fine, because we are naturally different. Humans meant to have differences. Either way, it's basically more about our own decisions. To stand with humanity or not to do so.