Tainted Destiny

The darkening sky somehow reflected sorrow

While someone out there might felt hollow

The constant state of nothingness felt tiresome

So did being strong for so long that it became lonesome

Interesting it was to see how the universe shown such pity

Alas, some people was just ignorant and silly

One might felt like everything was fated

Regardless of how cruel one's life might be fated

It was easy to think that one was merely a dust

In a whole wide world that began to rust

It was the complexity of being human

Yet it was why one might not want to stay as a human

As a human, there was the urge to have control

But it was foolish to think that everything was under control

For everything wouldn't get out of line

If everything was just fine

Being strong for too long felt tiring

Being weak for too long also felt tiring

Both ended up with losing it

And worst of all, it might went to ending it

Beautified Pain

Pain. It is associated with a feeling (either physically and/or emotionally) of getting hurt. It is a thing that may keep someone stronger, but it may also a thing that kills another. As humans tend to beautify things, or merely being optimistic in their language, it seems like this beautifying things may backfire as well.

It's a fact that humans are born with feelings, regardless of which become the dominant ones. And strangely enough, I believe that those who claims that they have no feelings do have a feeling either way. Only because feeling is technically an umbrella term, while specific ones may define more of what they truly feel. One may actually feel afraid of something so they feel like they need to protect themselves and came out as the "emotionless". Or perhaps they are angered of how the world turns like this. And pain is categorized as one of a feeling. Something that some people may like, but others may dislike and hate very much.

Pain is normal. Pain is something that everyone feels. Some may hide it. Some may openly talk about it. It cause different reactions to different people. Only because people are different. We have different lives as well. I'm not saying that it's bad to beautify things or being optimistic, but know that not everyone are as optimistic and lively.

I know how it feels like when you tell someone about the depressing state and they may seem like they're trying to make you feel better but it backfired when they beautify the pain by saying that pain is normal and it'll make you stronger. It's not the thing that need to be said, or written. It's the constant tiredness. The constant and what feels like endless. And to an extend, some can only tolerate so much during a range of time. Such dangerous, destructive combinations.

I feel like this might be another reason why some turns to solitude and even end it all without telling anyone else. Because no one understands, it's "me against the world". And saying "I understand" only to try to make it better doesn't help either. The truth will come out in any ways, so a white lie may even cut deeper and faster than any other things.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging people. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic. But do not throw away the fact that people have different reactions. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry that I can't help you with that" or "Sorry, I don't understand what you're going through but I sincerely hope that you're okay" is better than beautifying pain. It might sound kinda selfish to ask others to be extra gentle in case if a friend or someone you very much know are in that kind of a dark state, only because that state is a truly fragile state. And truthfully, being extra gentle also need patience since there's no definite range of time regarding of depression. What seems like an innocent joke in the wrong time might be a combination of prickling the wound with a dash of salt sprinkling into the unhealed wound. Or could be worse.

P.S.: I'm very aware that my recent posts are most likely dark and depressing, only because it's my blog and I might as well use it as a safe ground to write about what's going on in my mind. I often write about my experiences in several posts as well, and not caring that much about who have read them. Only because writing has some sort of a therapy to me. And I post them when I feel like it. I also understand that every single things that happen are fated, even me writing and posting this. But with the strong urge to post this from my point of view, God's energy is guiding me to share this view regardless.

Synced Sky

Another day had passed. Another sunset was present before her eyes. But unlike the previous ones before the darkness swallowed her whole, this sunset seemed rather timid. It still glowed its signature orange hue and turned pink before the sky went into a darker shade of blue. But the rays were decreasing. It didn't glow the same way; it weren't as bright and beautiful as it used to be. And most of the time, the setting sun and the glorious sunset glows were covered by several groups of clouds.

She sighed as she sipped her glass of Merlot. Strangely, it was the only thing that made her feel alive at that moment. The sensation of a slight warmness streaming from her throat into her abdomen. Her body feeling weightless. It was easy for her soul to feel the same temporary feeling given by her own body. She continued sipping her glass of Merlot while watching the elegy of sunset.

The sun had finally disappeared for that day, and it marked the transition into a darkness. The darkness that may be beautiful due to the moon and the scattered stars. The darkness that might symbolized hope that something pretty can stand out and shone in the dark. The darkness which was supposed to be the continuation of the beautiful sunset. Sadly, it seemed like the sky turned into a bolder view of the sunset of that day. While the sunset was timid with the loss of its original glow, the dark night continued to hide the moon and stars.

Thin translucent clouds were visible across the night sky. It was as if the sky lost its hope. "Or perhaps it's empathizing me," she spoke out loud with her fingers clutching the stem of the now empty glass. Maybe so. She noticed the sky more than anyone else in her neighborhood. She was the only one to see the changes in the sky. She was the only one whose mood was rather often in tune with the end of the day, somehow. But for now, she couldn't care less about the real reason of why the sky seemed in synced with her soul. She couldn't care if she somehow had a strange connection with the sky or if the universe was empathizing her. All she cared about was the moment she was waiting for. The moment when she would finally had new emotions filling her soul.

Being Humans

Humans. A part of living creatures in this earth, with a very distinctive difference from the flora and fauna. Physically, humans are mammals. Some suggested that humans have close physical resemblance to the ape family, although humans are not as hairy and the weigh & height are different as well. Furthermore, humans have one thing that animals don't have. When I was on my elementary school, my teacher who taught me about that explained that humans have the capability to think with our unique minds. And yes, we humans are gifted with our minds. We can think of anything with our minds, which are distinctively different than the minds of animals.

With our minds, us humans have been developing the society to what we are currently in. Any kinds of things to support the lives of humans are constantly created and reviewed, including every decisions that we make and the knowledge that we have. There's also this thing we call humanity. That word has a positive connotation, for it explains the good qualities humans have in order to maintain the existence of human beings. That includes kindness, compassion, sympathy and empathy, etc. Every kinds of positivity that we do for the sake of human's well-being are categorized as humanity.

Taken from Oxford Learner's Pocket Dictionary: Fourth Edition

But we must not forget that not every humans are positive. Throughout the time, history has proven that some humans in the past did not embrace humanity, even though until now I still have no knowledge on when the word humanity was created. Even until now, some people neglected that word for any reasons which made them do that. Whenever someone do any kinds of crimes; they are labelled as not humans, demons, and monsters. Perhaps at this era, those labels are attached to the true criminals as in those who do it out of pure evil, since there are some who committed crimes like stealing crops because they're poor and hungry with their limitations in life. Or some had to kill others in a situation where they were attacked, making it a murder out of self defense. Nonetheless, it's a completely different story if they really intended to do it for the sake of feeding their inner demons.

With the emergence of every cases that disregard humanity, including the current issue which has brought the whole world's attention, a single simplistic question formed in my mind: What makes us humans? Is it enough just for us being physically born as humans to have the rights to call ourselves humans? Then how about the connection between human and humanity? We all maybe humans physically, but what about our actions which defined our souls and characteristics?

Throughout my life, I've been thinking with this mind that I have. I've learned that even though humans have this enhanced mind which makes us more well-developed than the rest of living creatures, we're not perfect either. Throughout our lives, we make mistakes that disregard humanity such as wars and discrimination (be it racism, beliefs, gender and sexuality, etc.). I've learned that the mistakes happened so that we humans can learn by taking the message in order to create a better future for humankind. Yes, it's still unfortunate that some people decided to worship their inner demons and disregard humanity. It's unfortunate that someone must die to bring our attention of how such discrimination still scattered in some places around the world. But it's also unfortunate to blindly judge others for doing things in their own ways although their hearts stand with humanity. It's unfortunate as well that some people burn too much that they may not be able to control their flames. For flame can be considered as a double-edged sword. It can keep yo warm, but you might get burned if you got too close. And if you get burned too much, you may die eventually. Because I believe that things that are too much are not good, we may agree to disagree on this matter as we have different opinions.

Considering a lot of things that I've learned and known, I've come to my own conclusion on what makes someone a human. Perhaps it won't be as simple as "being humans means this and that", because we're naturally born as humans. Which means that we're al humans in physical matter. What makes the difference is the connection between humans and humanity, whereas the latter is categorized as our individual characteristics. We also cannot ignore the labels which applied to those who decided to disregard humanity in any kinds of ways. As well as the truth. Perhaps some of them do what seemed like a bad thing only because they have to. What matters is the real intention, for I have seen a lot of greys between the blacks and whites. Thus, I believe that what makes us humans (in case of our characteristics) is in where we stand as an individual. I know where I stand, and I stand with humanity. Some may decided to do the same, but we may have different ways and actions to protect and maintain humanity. And it's completely fine, because we are naturally different. Humans meant to have differences. Either way, it's basically more about our own decisions. To stand with humanity or not to do so.

Soul Cycle

Another hazy night. Another cold night. Another dark night. And the difference? It felt as if the darkness had consumed my every emotions. I felt nothing. The full moon shone its yellow glow. It's glorious with its own glow. But I couldn't see any stars at all due to the haze. What I felt instantly after recognizing the starless state was my own emptiness. Perhaps I was not a moon person, for I could not connect my soul with the beauty of the full moon. My soul felt more in tune with the dark, starless night sky. Like the stars that I couldn't see, my soul felt empty. Overshadowed by the lurking darkness. I wondered if the full moon was shining its yellow glow due to the invisible stars.

I closed my eyes and let my soul drifted away. I kept chanting my dislikes toward my emotional state at the time. Soon, I heard a distant voice telling me that I needed it. "Be empty, so that I can fill your soul with fresh emotions." I was stunned. Those words made me lose my ability to think in several minutes. Maybe I needed it in a way. But it didn't mean that I liked the process. For emptiness was the darkest state that I had ever experienced, and merely experiencing emptiness once made me feel like I could not face another. But here I was. Drowned in the darkness. I was drowned too deep, and I could not feel any lights penetrating this darkness. As if there was any tiny speckle of light somewhere.

It seemed like the full moon symbolized the distant light that I saw in the darkness. But alas, my soul felt like it was too far for my reach. Or perhaps the darkness was shielding my soul from the light. If I let myself bask in the rays, maybe it would enlighten me. Just tiny amount of rays from the moonlight might fill up my soul with fresh emotions. And when the stars would finally be visible again, perhaps my soul would glow with fresh emotions. Perhaps this darkness would not last forever. Perhaps the light might be able to penetrate this shield someday. And the cycle of my soul would go on like this within its own pace. A cycle of a soul was not all that pleasant, but every passage of this cycle must happen.

Hazy Sky

I watched the sun goes down. The blue sky turned slightly darker. Red and orange glows filled the sky. It felt like they always told me that an ending can be beautiful. It was. I always enjoyed watching such beautiful sunset. But that day was so different. The sky was already darkening even before the sun was setting. The sky turned grey, the white clouds were also turning grey. The air felt colder, and the wind blew stronger. As if the darkness was finally creeping above the light. Thus, I couldn't see the sun nor the sunset at that day. It felt gloomy. Sad. Dark.

When it was clear that the day had turned to night, the atmosphere lingered like that. The night sky was barely visible. I couldn't even see the stars. Not even the moon was visible to my eyes. The night sky was hazy. And soon, the sky got the best of me. As it grew darker and colder, so was I. I wondered how long should I endure this darkness. How many more of this I could take. I was still trying my best at life, yet none of my efforts seemed to work. I wondered if the sky was a sign from the universe or the reflection of how sorrowful my life was.

Feeling disappointed, I went back to my room. I couldn't even feel anything as the wind continued to blew here and there. I curled myself on my bed with my blanket covering my body. I began to lose my feelings. It was like I was drown in this darkness. Somehow, I couldn't enjoyed the latest sunset which I witnessed. Not long after that, the sky was turning darker. It had been a week since then. I tried my best not to indulge, but I felt my life getting thinner. My mind was no longer getting restless, for it had been too tired to think about anything else. I gradually became numb as the darkness crept over my soul. I wondered whether this darkness would take my soul away, or would I miraculously manage to endure this somehow.