A Wish for Peace

I could feel the warmth of the sun and the soft breeze fluttering by. The lovely scent of floral spring air dancing into my sense of smell. Sprouts of grass touching me lightly. And the soft glow of light trying to penetrate my still closed sight. Slowly, I opened my eyes and was greeted by the light blue sky; illuminated by the warm sunlight and decorated with streaks of white clouds. I raised my torso and peeked at my surroundings. Flowers were everywhere. Roses of all colors to my right, lavender to my left. I fully stood up then, only to be greeted by much more mesmerizing view. There were rows separating each flower rows, and I was standing in one. Sunflowers, tulips, gardenias, peonies, marigold. And even flower trees like cherry blossoms and aquatic flowers like lotus were present, as well as flowers I wasn’t familiar with. I then realized that somehow, I was standing in an endless floral garden.

Everything felt so peaceful, and I had the urge to lay back down and just submerge myself in this atmosphere. But just when I was about to descend myself, I felt a presence behind me. Impulsively, I turned around and saw a woman wearing lovely floral sundress with a brilliant smile on her face. Her smile was so contagious that I couldn’t help but smiled back at her. However, I was slightly curious.

“Where am I?” I asked her. “What can you remember?” she softly asked me with her melodic voice.

As if that question was a spell, I suddenly had flashes running before my eyes. The earliest memory I had of my life, the first few of friends I met, my family, my transition from a child as years passed by, how everything went downhill, my mental state, and my decision to…

“I killed myself,” I murmured with my gaze to the grassy land.

Her smile turned into a sad smile then. But she said nothing. As if she was waiting for me to say something, ask something. Should I ask her the aftermath of my death? Which people were terribly missing my presence? How my best friends took the news? How my family reacted? How many people knew of it? And the reason why I did it? But then again, did it even matter? I was already gone. And that left me a question to where this would lead me.

“Why am I here?” I asked her. “You wanted peace,” she simply said. It didn’t make sense. I heard stories of how suicide victims were condemned to hell or some sort of eternal anguish and suffering. So why was I standing in an endlessly beautiful floral garden?

As if she could hear my thoughts, she continued to elaborate her answer. “You believed that you’d be much more at peace by leaving the world. It made you suffer, yes, but you still clung into that one belief. And now, here you are,” she said. “Then why did I have to suffer so much? Why were all my friends’ comforts weren’t enough for me to go on? Just… why?” I burst out. “Because that’s the way the world’s supposed to be. Nothing can be completely fair out there. And most importantly, both opposing forces are needed to keep the world alive. As twisted as it sounded, that’s the way it is,” she gently explained.

Mixture of emotions were bubbling within me. I wanted to cry and shout and throw something at the same time. Yet, I was still rooted to the grassy lane. I wasn’t even sure if I could produce a single tear, considering that I was no longer alive. So I let the calming atmosphere of the garden soothe my winding emotions.

“All of my sufferings…” I started shakily, and I couldn’t say no more. “Weren’t for nothing,” she completed. “People will know. And the right people will continue to fight on your behalf, as well as the behalf of others who are suffering as well,” she explained. “And what about the wrong people? They always say mean things like how weak and ungrateful we are for taking our own lives! Some even consider it sinful, so why am I here instead of burning in inferno?” I exclaimed. “They just don’t understand. It appears that it’s the simplest solution to rule suicide as a sin to prevent it, without really learning the cause of suicide and even the consequences of that simplistic rule. They don’t know that death, whatever the form is, is destined. Just like how you were destined to die within your own hands,” she said before taking a moment to pause.

“But like I’ve mentioned, both opposing forces are needed there. The world might end if there’s nothing to fight anymore, nothing to do, nothing to pursue, nothing to continue. It’ll just stop,” she explained.

Somehow, I felt relieved. Perhaps it was the simplest closure that I needed. I finally understood, even if I didn’t like how my life eventually ended. Fate could be cruel sometimes, but so were some people. And to think that I ended up having what I truly deserved once I was no longer alive…

“But… what about the others? I mean, others like me?” I asked her. “Does it matter?” she asked me. “Well… maybe not so. I’m just wondering…,” I trailed off.

She gazed out to the wide garden before she continued. “Each souls are different. Different paths, different beliefs. That’s why only yours matters for you,” she explained. “What are you saying?” I asked her. She finally turned to look at me again. “All I’m saying is, you should decide where you go from here. With your own belief. You believed that you’ll find your peace, that’s why you’re not condemned in hell. So, where do you want to be? Do you want to stay here? Change the scenery? Explore the entire universe? Or do you want to live as a human again?” she asked me.

There was no way I wanted to live in that world again, even if there might be a chance that I wouldn’t go through the great suffering again. So that left me with other options.

“I… I can change the scenery and explore the universe?” I asked her. “This is your realm of peace, my dear. You can do anything you want. Just imagine, and it’ll come,” she smiled genuinely.

Immediately, I turned my back to her and imagined the first thing that rushed within my soul. All of a sudden, I was no longer standing in an endless floral garden. I was floating in space, surrounded by countless stars and colorful nebula. I could feel the abundant energy in this place, as if they were charging my soul. But somehow, I still wanted to feel the peaceful atmosphere of that floral garden; so I imagined that scenery returning.

Soft breeze fluttered around me, and that sweet floral scent were rushing to my sense of smell once more. A part in my mind thought that there were still so many unanswered questions, questions that were most likely cultivated from my own curiosity. As strange as it sounded, I was slightly curious even if I was no longer alive. But while immersing myself in this eternal peace, and hearing the explanation from that woman, perhaps it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that some answers were meant to stay as mysteries.

And speaking of which, I turned once more and found her secured on the very same spot. “You’re fine,” she smiled at me. “What about you?” I asked her. “I’m always watching over you, and I’ll come to you whenever you need me,” she said. I finally smiled in content and thanked her. “As long as you’re no longer tied to your past life, you’ll be alright,” she said before her form slowly faded away, leaving me to the endlessly eternal bliss.

DISCLAIMER: This story is by no means created to promote or romanticized suicide. What I'd like to press here is my belief that they deserve to be at peace after all they had gone through which made them decided to do so. I also wish that people could be more considerate in order to prevent more victims from taking their own lives.

My Brief Thought on Mental Health

The pandemic has been a challenge for some of us, if not all. Some are lucky enough to manage, some has their own struggles. I too, have my own struggles throughout my life. But I never thought that one of my friends who usually is a fighter and assertive turns 180° and told me she had just visited a psychiatrist. All these struggles got me thinking more and more about mental health. And there's nothing more familiar than writing from your own experience.

Mental health is as important as physical health, and I've learned it the hard way. Sort of. When it becomes too much, it can manifest through the physical health. Like decrease in appetite, headache, and stomachache. And since I'm writing through experience, different people might have different health impacts with various mental illnesses. On the mental side, it can be quite heavy. It can be messy, it can be numbing, it can be painful. Most of what they feel are all energy draining, as if they have the ability to suck the living soul out of you. Some people, like my friend I've mentioned, are lucky enough to have the help they need for recovery. But some end up taking things the wrong way, and even costed them their own lives.

Even with my struggles, I really hate it whenever those unfortunate people lose their lives. And my catchphrase goes by: "Even if it's fate, doesn't mean I like it." It's even more unfortunate to see some people still being inconsiderate about suicide victims and/or people with mental issues. Their lack of empathy, or at least sympathy, truly amazes me. They needed someone to be there and at least listen without any kinds of judgement on how weak they were. They don't need all those comparison bullshit which is usually slipped with how ungrateful they seemed for being alive despite of having those issues. They don't even need false hope that reconnecting with God can magically makes it disappear. It has nothing to do with that. Humans are known to be the social creature. It's instinctual. And when someone feels lonely during their struggles, it feels like everything falls apart. It's them against the world. The world that somehow makes everything worse for them.

Pandemic or not, some people have been struggling. It sure happens and might cause more damage to some living souls. And pandemic or not, it's still best to just be humans and at least try to get rid of those toxic thoughts which cause more harm than good to those who are struggling with their mental health. And honestly, those suicide victims might not take their own lives had they received proper help instead of those poisonous words some people can have the audacity to say to them. Even if it's fate, aren't those toxics triggered them to do so? Can it even be considered as indirect murder if some people triggered them to take their own lives?

The Journey

She was sitting in a train by the window, surrounded by the noise of the passengers boarding the train. She could've read a book, check her phone, or even listen to the music while waiting for the train to depart. She chose not to. She chose to be an observer, silently immersing herself in her surrounding. Watching people drift through the window of the train, hearing people walking down the aisle while looking for their seats.

Despite how hard she tried to focus on her surrounding, the memory of her last day with her friend managed to resurface. She could remember clearly that only a few months ago in the bright mid-summer, she drove past the blossoming sunflower fields toward an abandoned parking lot. She could remember them talking as the day turned to night, and the meteor shower appeared. And she could remember her friend's wish.

"When I'm gone..... I want you to explore, immerse in the unknown, and find yourself through the journey," she said

It was just a wish. Not a demand, nor a promise. It was made clear as her best friend stated it as her wish. And by that, she could decide not to do it. But she did, and she was right there sitting in the train waiting for it to depart; marking the beginning of her journey.

The sound of someone taking a seat directly next to her pulled her back to reality. Without glancing at that person, she knew who the person was. It was him. And sure enough, her green eyes met the same golden eyes that greeted her that night at the rooftop. They didn't speak to each other, there was no need of that. They only shared a look before they did their own thing. And hers was diving back into the reason why he was there by her side.

"You're leaving...," he whispered. She didn't give him a direct answer. Instead, she told him of her best friend's wish. She knew she didn't have to leave everything behind, but she wanted to explore. She wanted to see how it would affect her. She wanted to feel what it felt like to go out and be free. And more than anything, she wanted to know where she would end up.

"I want to go with you," he said. The way he said it was a statement the she couldn't argue for, because he said that instead of asking her permission to go with her. She exhaled her frustration since she planned to go on her own. But then an idea popped up in her head. "You can come with me, but we have to split up once the season changes," she said. He was confused as to why she said it. But after she explained that she needed to travel by herself at some point, he finally understood.

So there they were, travelling together as the train finally departed from the station. The leaves had turned orange, and some of them were easily flown by the wind.

They travelled from places to places, always together wherever they went. Connecting with the locals, finding hidden gems, and just immersing themselves with the variety of cultures they experienced. To her, it felt amazing to be free and explore. To him, however, it felt amazing to be with her.

One day, the first snowflake had appeared; marking the changing season. Their time together was up, and they must part per her condition.

Once again, she found herself in a train; waiting for it to depart. The scenery was very familiar, and he once again sat next to her. They didn't talk, nor did they look at each other. At some point, the train finally departed from the station.

The train driver had announced the first stop. He finally looked at her, and her eyes remained at the milky white snow covering the ground. He took a rectangular box from his bag and placed it on her lap. Her eyes moved from the window to the box before finally landing it to that pair of golden eyes. Once again, they didn't speak at all. As if they were handing their fate to The Universe.

After the train came to a stop, he stood and grabbed his duffle bag. He could've walked out from the station to the unknown that awaited his exploration. But he couldn't. He wanted, needed, to look at her one more time; if not for one last time. As if she could feel the intensity that radiated from the golden eyes, she looked out to the window and found him standing there looking at her with his duffle bag slung across his shoulder. And then, they finally parted as the train resumed its journey.

Her hands were still glued at the unopened box he had given her, and her eyes were still glued to the winter scenery along the journey. After passing a lone tree, she finally moved her eyes to the box and slowly opened the lid. It was a platinum bracelet. But what moved her the most was the flowers that decorated it: forget me not. A single tear escaped her right eye as she lifted it from it's nest. She found it both silly and perhaps touching. Silly, because she could never forget him no matter where she went and for how long they parted. But it was touching for him to give something to remind her of their bond.

She was sitting in a secluded forest. Her thick coat and layers of clothing protected her from the cold winter night. The bracelet clung onto the skin of her left wrist, covered by the coat's sleeve. The Northern Lights were dancing up at the sky, and The Milky Way remained as the backdrop. The Aurora continued to move until it touched a faint star, and the star immediately retained it's glow. The Aurora continued it's movement, but her eyes remained at that one star. "It's you," she whispered as the nostalgic feeling rushed over her soul. The same feeling when she met her best friend at the parking lot, the same feeling when she saw that one last star at the rooftop. She knew the star, and now that she realized the star had been watching over her throughout the journey, even if she couldn't see it during the day.

Believe It, Or Not

She continued walking in the light rain, with no direction in particular. The path seemed endless and dim, with mist coming here and there. She began to realize that the path might be truly endless, but she did not feel exhausted after walking for quite awhile. She did not even notice how long she had spent walking. So she stopped walking and slowly closed her eyes.

When she finally opened her eyes, a figure appeared before her. The figure seemed distorted, like a shadow forming a silhouette which mimicked her own. Realizing that she didn't feel any drops of water, she began noticing that the rain had stopped as well.

She waited for the figure to do something, but it stayed there still. Like a statue made of shadow. Growing impatient, she wondered why the figure was there. Until a chilling voice asked her, "where do you want this road leads you to?"

The voice sounded like it came from the figure. She figured that maybe this figure had a clue on what was about to happen to her. Without opening her mouth, she asked the figure the meaning of the question.

"You don't believe in heaven and hell, correct?" "Yes." "Then, where do you want to be?"

She pondered if she would actually gain what she wanted in this realm. It seemed too good to be true. But she felt the pull to convey what she believed to this mysterious shadow figure. So she did. "Very well," the figure responded and moved aside, revealing nothing in front of her. At that moment, the road where she stood appeared like the very end of the road with nothing in front of it. She knew that the road behind her existed, but she never wanted to look back. Nor did she want to go back. But then, a curiosity came over her.

"Wait," she frantically searched for the figure, which resided right next to her. "You would like to know something, do you?" At that, she realized that this figure might know everything. "I see you have realized something about me. And you are a curious soul after all," the figure stated.

Without her having to ask what made her curious, the scenery before them shifted. It was black and red. There were flames, and there were people screaming in pain. "These people believed in heaven and hell," the figure stated before the scenery shifted once more. "So are they," the figure stated. She gazed at the scenery before her, a very contrast to the previous one with people seemingly in content and the whole place was engulfed in warm light. "And then, there are these people who believed in something else," the figure state before the scenery changed once more. She saw blinding light which gradually dimmed down, revealing what seemed like personal resting places. An endless galaxy, a meadow in spring with freshly bloomed flowers, bed made of fluffy clouds, and more.

Suddenly, it all clicked. "It's all in the head," she whispered. "Yes. Some people believed in heaven and hell. Some people believed in seeing that one blinding light which served as the gateway for eternal peace. Some people believed that they would live in a body once more. And you? Your belief is quite rare, I suppose."

The scenery before them had returned to nothing. Now that she knew, she was ready to step into that blank space before her. She was satisfied enough with what she knew. She did not need to know how it was decided who went to hell and who went to heaven for those who believed in them. Because she believed that the decision was made fairly, unlike the place where she lived.

She turned her gaze to the figure once more, which seemed to wait for her to make the step. She felt the urge to thank the figure for revealing the information to her, so she did. Even if deep down, she felt like the figure might be able to feel her gratitude. Returning her gaze back to the nothingness, she stepped forward. And just like her surrounding, she became nothing. She finally disappeared; and soon, her physical existence would disappear as well in due time. It did not matter to her if she would be remembered or not, because she had truly disappeared into nothingness.

Goodbye

In the state I was in, nothing mattered. In the state I was in, time didn't matter. In the state I was in, nothing existed. In the state I was in, no one mattered. In the state I was in, no one existed. No one but me.

As if watching a movie in the theater, a rectangular shaped light flickered before me. Soon, I was watching my entire life. But instead of forward, it was moving backward.

I saw myself rushed backward on a hospital bed. I saw myself flipping the paged of my favorite book backward. I saw myself walking backward down the street, and all the vehicles & people were also moving backward. I saw myself returning the water into the glass from my mouth. I saw my younger self running backward along with my brother.

By then, I remembered something. When you saw flashes of your life rewinding, it meant that you were about to die.

The memory kept on playing even if I came to realize what was happening. I was not afraid. I fully understood that those who lived would eventually died. So I stayed there to watch all my rewinding memory until the very last end. I was calm, knowing that my life had come to an end. And when the film had come to an end, a white light blinded my sight.

When the intensity of the light decreased, I was lying in a closed wooden space. The wood seemed young as the color was light. It felt soft and comfortable. Then I noticed my attire. I was wearing a soft white dress which reached my knees. The dress, too, was comfortable.

I closed my eyes and let my smile blossomed, soaking in the atmosphere in the closed space. "Finally," I thought to myself before I felt another intense white light binding my sight.

It was dark and raining. I couldn't feel the rain at all even though I didn't have an umbrella. I was standing before a grave, my own grave. After awhile, I whispered softly, "Goodbye, my old self." I walked away without looking back.

Golden Trees and Fallen Fruits

She woke up in an unknown yet comfortable place. She took a moment to adjust to her surroundings, then she realized that she was finally on a trip with her best friend. She rose from her bed and exited the room to freshen up.

Knowing that her best friend tend to wake up later, she decided to fix a breakfast for both of them. She finished her breakfast and took a shower. When she had exited her room, already dressed up and freshly showered, she saw her best friend standing before the table with a hint of sleepiness in her eyes. She told her best friend that she would take a walk in the nearby park for awhile, and she had cooked breakfast for them. She exited the apartment with her beige trench coat to keep her warm.

Fallen autumn leaves were scattering across the park. The trees themselves had orange and yellow tinted leaves. Some people were running, cycling, having a picnic, and simply did the same activity as her. She kept on walking deeper into the park until she saw a group of oddly mesmerizing tree. The trees were tall and had golden leaves, almost identical to the hue of the precious metal. They also had several round fruits with the same color as the leaves. Suddenly, all of the fruits fell from the tree within the exact same time. She didn’t realize there were other people nearby, until she heard rustling and murmurs. She witnessed people gathering the golden fruits. Some of them ate it and had a smile on their faces.

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A woman approached her and offered her the fruit. The confusion must be obvious on her face, so the woman told her everything she knew about the trees. The autumn scenery provided a perfect camouflage, while the other seasons made them stood out since the color of the leaves didn’t change. The trees only produced ripened fruits on autumn, and those who tasted it would taste happiness. At that, her expression turned grim as she knew that happiness would never last. But before the woman before her could reply, she heard her best friend called her name. She turned around, and there she stood a couple of feet from her. The women gave her another fruit and told her to enjoy it while it last, then she walked away. 

She approached her best friend who stood there next to a bench. The people around them were still gathering and eating the fruit. She gave one of the fruits from the mysterious woman to her best friend and sat down on the bench. Just like those who were eating it, her best friend’s features radiated happiness after she took a bite of the golden fruit. She was curious, so she asked her best friend about the taste. Her best friend told her that she never encountered a taste like that, but it strangely made her happy. She internally sighed, thinking whether or not she deserved happiness while storing the fruit in her sling bag. She masked her true emotion with a smile so natural that her best friend seemed convinced that she already sampled the fruit.

Magical Calendula

As a tea lover, I was drawn into other types of tea like herbal and flower tea. And recently, I've been drawn into flower tea so much that I haven't purchased any regular tea bags which are easily found at the nearby stores and mini markets. Why do I put up with ordering flower tea from online shops when I can just walk several meters from my home and buy a box of tea bags, you might ask. The initial motive was the taste and benefits, since flower tea and herbal tea aren't from tea leaves and therefore contain no caffeine. My biggest curiosity was on the taste since I have to admit what makes me avoid coffee is the taste of the caffeine whilst tea have lower caffeine level thus making me able to tolerate the taste.

I think the first flower tea that I had was chamomile, but it was long ago that I'm beginning to forget the taste. Then rosebud tea, I fell in love with it. Next was forget-me-not, which might not be as popular as other flower tea. And now, I still have some calendula tea in my kitchen. Which is the star of this particular post.

I made a mistake of putting more than one flower buds and boiling them, so I was not prepared for how strong the taste was. Despite of the attack of the bitterness, I could tell that the bitterness was different with regular tea and other kinds of tea from tea leaves. Just like how the sweetness varies between sugar, honey, and maple. At that moment, I vowed to change my method to place only a bud of calendula into a cup and pour the boiled water in. And I always sip my calendula tea that way, leaving the bud in the cup when the tea was completely drained into my system.

Calendula is one of a variety of marigold, and I was impressed by how soothing the scent of the steaming tea make me feel although the effect isn't as strong as rosemary tea. After I drank it, I concluded that flower tea and herb tea may have more calming effect than regular tea for me regardless of how often I drink it. Which is why I only drink them when I'm feeling under the weather and not regularly. I only take them when I need them.

One day, I felt my eyes weakened as an effect of staring at a screen for quite a long time. I was aware that one of the most popular thing to soothe the eyes is sliced cucumber. Though I haven't tried it, I have tried using chilled teabags in the past. They worked, obviously, but I only have dried calendula. I wondered if I can use the used buds over my eyes since the buds aren't as small as rosebud and forget-me-not. Though I haven't found anyone who use extracted calendula buds to soothe their eyes, I found interesting benefits of calendula from healthline which noted the antioxidant properties in the flower among other benefits like anti aging and its healing properties. I also found that Kiehl's also launched a series of products featuring the flower.

Convinced by what I read, I began to slightly change my method. When the cup of calendula tea is warm enough for me to drink, I scooped the buds and petals into another cup and added some of the tea to keep them hydrated. Then I chilled them in the fridge. I use two buds for each of my eyes, so I repeated the same steps for the second bud and placed it into the same glass with extra water for both buds. I dabbed the buds over my eyes and felt my eyes refreshed and soothed. I discarded the buds and left with the extracted water which turned into deep orange liquid with several petals scattering in it. I didn't know what to do with it, but then I remembered what I read from my research and the fact that the flower is used in several skincare products. Then I had an idea.

I remembered something about the effect on acne, so I tentatively dabbed it over my stress caused acne and kept the rest of the extract in an empty bottle to let it chill in the fridge. The next morning came and the size of the acne was significantly reduced from my forehead. One thing led to another, so I kept dabbing my eyes with the buds and stored the extract into the bottle until it filled approximately a quarter of the bottle. I then bought a package of compressed sheet mask and used the extract to create DIY sheet mask. I use them twice a day and leave them on my face for less than 20 minutes.

The first thing I noticed after using it was how hydrated my skin felt, similar to what I feel whenever I use brand produced sheet masks. Now, my skin feels less oily and the acne is gradually decreasing. I also noted that it might take longer time for the acne mark to disappear, but the process of reducing the size and redness is relatively quick on my skin. Satisfied by the result, I made a decision to keep on using the dried calendula at this particular order: separate and chill the buds with some of the water, sip the tea, buds for eye, and extracts for sheet mask.

With this new-found knowledge, I think I might experiment when I try other types of flower tea. I'm really excited to experiment with lavender tea as it's another well-known flower used in skincare, although I might not use it for my eyes since the buds are way smaller than rosebuds. But until then, I'm using the dried calendula in those orders above until I'm running out of it. The only warning I'll give if anyone else is using calendula is allergy, which I have found in this website. Also, there are other methods to use calendula for skincare (like this one); but the only reason I use calendula extract (or technically tea) is that I have dried calendula while some may use ground calendula or calendula tincture with additional ingredients to complement the type of calendula they're using. I'm comfortable with using just the extract and sheet mask, so anyone else can use any type of calendula and other ingredients which are comfortable for their own skin.